Category Archives: Politics

Cameron denies plans to ‘go a bit Falklands’ over Gibraltar

camerontank

Creepy, isn’t it?

As the row over fishing rights and a border tax in Gibraltar escalates tensions between the UK and Spain, David Cameron has denied that he is channelling Margaret Thatcher and planning to go a bit Falklands.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said the Prime Minister as he gripped his handbag tightly. “I am deeply concerned about the situation in Gibraltar and considering all available options. If one of them happens to be a small victorious war which I can secure another term as PM off the back of  then that doesn’t mean I’ll definitely chose it. Just almost definitely, which is entirely different.” Continue reading

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Revealed: Ed Miliband employed on zero hours contract

edinabox

Mr Miliband insists he is a valued member of the team, despite spending 98% of his time in a box.

Following an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Evening Harold has discovered that Labour leader Ed Miliband is employed on a ‘zero hours’ contract.

Despite ostensibly having a proper job that excludes him from claiming benefits, data shows that the MP for Doncaster North has done less than 35 minutes paid work in the last 3 years.

“It’s not ideal, but I have a strong work ethic”, insisted Miliband. “I’m prepared to do what it takes to stay on the job ladder. Obviously, it would be nice to feel wanted and to have something to say, but I must emphasise:  for those 35 minutes, I was fully committed to leading an effective opposition.”
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Filed under Economy, Politics

Royal Mail postman to pay back £120 from birthday cards

20130803-014617.jpgHarold’s long term postman, Jack Thornley, has announced he is to return £120 he earned last year from Royal Mail customers’ birthday cards.

The figure is a ‘posties bonus’ that is earned on top of their annual salary and is paid to reward employees who take the time to not only shake for coins, but also have the foresight to delve further in to the cards on the hunt for high value paper.

His offer to pay the money back to the intended recipients comes on the back of the decision by Royal Mail chief executive Moya Greene to pay back £120,000 she received towards the cost of a new house. This was on top of her nearly £500,000-a-year salary and other bonuses which all total £1.47m.

“I realise that in times of austerity it is wrong that I should continue to accept the money sent to villagers in birthday cards” Mr Thornley said. “If our chief executive can take moral stance on bonuses she shouldn’t be really have been paid in the first place, then so can I.”

Although the move has been welcomed by the village’s residents, it has been condemned by the Communication Workers Union.

“We have spent many years and numerous strikes trying to uphold our members pay and conditions” a spokesman for the CWU told us.

“The ‘finders keepers’ clause has been around since 1934 and Mr Thornley’s actions are an insult to all those posties that got arrested for theft, fighting for the right to intercept customers’ gifts”

Mr Thornley’s moral crusade will start next week when he will begin redistributing his gains, but he has warned his customers not to expect a lot.

“The total I earned from cards last year was actually £585 and an Ann Summers gift card, but as the cash element of the bonus has already been spent, I shall only be returning the named cheques I couldn’t cash in.”

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Levels of BS in central London reach dangerously low levels.

houses-of-parliamentEvaluations by environmental health officers in Westminster have shown that levels of bullshit (BS) have reached dangerously low levels. This has seen concerns for those in the media that feed off the BS, usually from a prime harvesting location outside 10 Downing Street.

The lower than usual levels of BS has been linked to the summer recess in parliament. As with honey production being down due to the lack of bees in the UK, BS production has hit an all time low as MPs pretend to do constituency work from yachts in the Mediterranean Continue reading

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Pope insists ‘homosexuality is OK as long as you follow me on Twitter’

rainbowpope

Pope attributes his softening to age.

Pope Francis has revealed a softening  on the Vatican’s homosexual position, insisting ‘you shouldn’t knock it until you’ve at least given it a try’.

Reflecting changing views in society and a new, more fluffy form of catholicism, the 266th Pope admitted he was partial to the odd ‘pink pound’.

“It’s a question of balance and including as many people as possible”, suggested His Holiness. “I’d be glad to be gay, although I draw the line at letting someone pop it in.”
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Council’s just like the Commons session ends in embarrassment

speakers chair copy

Mister Super Paws: the purrfect speaker. Eh? Eh? Oh please yourselves.

Members of Harold Council were left red-faced after trying to liven their last meeting up by holding it in true House of Commons style.

“It was a hot night and we were all a bit bored,” said Eileen Remnant, Chair of the Planning Committee. “So we thought we’d have a some fun and pretend to be real politicians.”

In the absence of a Speaker quick-thinking council members secured the services of Mister Super Paws, the village’s favourite kitten, who was content to sit on a chair in exchange for a tied-up handkerchief full of catnip. Once in place council members began their debate over recycling bins in the manner that MPs would. Continue reading

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Village welcomes Romanian gypsies with open arms, both holding a shotgun

GypsiesHarold became the first village in Britain to actively encourage Romanian gypsies after its council voted to fund a makeshift campsite on Harold Common. However, any thoughts that Harold was now a haven for tolerance quickly subsided after the council also legalised gypsy hunting. Continue reading

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Would you like access to this article?

Pencil making a check sign in a round cornered box. Isolated on white.

Harold authorities are planning a radical overhaul of crime and anti-social behaviour prevention techniques. In light of the Prime Minister’s recently announced plans to tackle on-line perverts by asking them if they wish to access porn before they access porn, Councillor Ron Ronsson has unveiled plans to replicate the strategy in a number of other areas.

In retail, shoppers visiting the Tesco Express on the high street will be asked when entering the store if they require access to alcohol and tobacco. Councillor Ronsson assures us he is almost certain someone somewhere has done a study to show this will reduce sales of these potentially harmful products. And Julie , owner of ‘Cuts Both Ways’, will be checking with all her customers that they want access to potentially sharp instruments before they are allowed entry to her scissor emporium.

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Filed under Crime, News, Politics

French parliament lifts ban on insulting bell-end President

sarkozy

Knob-jockey (now official)

A change in French law means it has now become legal to insult the French president, giant bell-end Francois Hollande.

Parliament agreed on Thursday to amend legislation dating back to 1881 in favour of freedom of speech. Previously, anyone tempted to offend the huge ringpiece  of a President risked a fine, but now it is completely legal to refer to the head of state as “cockpiece”, “arsegargle” or “turdroller”.

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Royal baby named George following William’s tattoo dilemma

Duke's new tattooThe Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have finally named the ‘royal baby’ George Alexander Louis after arguing over a suitable name. The arguments revolved around the length of the third-in-line to the throne’s first name.

In his continuing efforts to modernise the monarchy the Duke wanted to be seen driving his new family home himself, has changed two nappies to give their nanny a rest and is now going to get his child’s name tattooed onto his forearm.

“The idea of getting a tattoo has been set for a while but William is a bit of a wimp”, royal watcher Nicholas Witchell told us. “Catherine always wanted a Bartholomew, Montgomery or Slartibartfast, but he had his heart set on something short and relatively painless to ink such as Bob, Jon or 3.”
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Government legalise hunting JSA claimants with dogs

The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.

The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.

In a surprise move the government today formally legalised the hunting of Job Seeker’s Allowance claimants with dogs.

“It’s a practical measure in this time of austerity,” David Cameron told the press. “Yes, hunting foxes with dogs was made illegal in 2004 but let’s be honest that didn’t exactly put an end to the practice, now did it? So the hunts are there, the claimants are there, all we’re doing is putting the two together in a mutually beneficial arrangement that will cost the decent hard-working tax payer very little.” Continue reading

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The Sun launch their ‘unique and unrivalled’ royal baby coverage

Fake Sheikh Midwife

Young royals warned not to sheikh the baby

Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.

“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers. Continue reading

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US Marines invade Snowdonia National Park

He won't last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time

He won’t last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time

In a surprise move last night the 1st Battalion 6th Marines launched a full scale assault on Snowdonia involving the setting up of a beachhead on the coast roughly three miles south of Llandwrog for the landing of additional troops.

Official sources were initially alerted when locals reported seeing bright lights in the sky. These were quickly followed by more reports of shouting and shots being fired. Helen Brice, 54, who had been out walking her dog told us. “It was all very exciting. One minute it was just me and Bingo the next I was surrounded by all these soldiers. They were shouting at me and demanding to know where the traitor was. It was scary but one of them sounded just like Morgan Freeman so I quickly calmed down due to his incredibly soothing voice.” Continue reading

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‘Security firms defend charging for tagging prisoners and dead people, citing amount of criminals and Jimmy Savile’

One piece of jewellery Savile never owned

One piece of jewellery Savile never owned

Two security firms accused of charging tax-payers to tag people who have gone abroad, are in prison or who have died, have hit back saying that they were just keeping an eye on the most dangerous in society.

A spokesman for G4S, one of the companies involved, said “we have actually done a lot of research into the type of person we should be tagging and far from conning the government, we have actually been doing them a favour. For example, did you know that in prison, 100% of the inmates have a criminal record?
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Clegg confession: I like to dress as Gladstone at weekends

The world a better place when mens casual meant a cravat and not flaunting your moobs.

The world was a better place when men’s casual meant a slightly less restrictive waistcoat ;  not flaunting your moobs in the faces of the unwary.

Nick Clegg raised eyebrows during a speech last night when he confessed that he likes to dress up as William Gladstone – the towering political figure who served as a Liberal Prime Minister four times including two years during which he was simultaneously Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer.

“It’s not a sex thing,’ Clegg told a bemused audience of cycling proficiency instructors. “It just makes me feel safe. When I dress as Gladstone I feel that I look right that it’s the real me.” Continue reading

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EXCLUSIVE: Prince Charles’ letters to government

rsz_1article-2318064-158c6f82000005dc-505_306x423Yesterday the Lord Chief Justice upheld the block on the publication of letters from Prince Charles to various Whitehall ministers saying that the public does not have the right to know the details of his attempts to influence government policy.

We are defying the law and publishing a selection of Prince Charles’ letters over the years. Let’s just be grateful that this one is content with writing. Prince Philip seriously believed that he should be allowed to participate in Cabinet meetings which we’re sure would have led to some jaw-dropping foreign policies, especially when Enoch Powell was a minister. Continue reading

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Union to disassociate itself from Ed Miliband

The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband

The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband

Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite union, will come out today and announce plans to abolish the automatic enrolment of members into the Labour party. Wishing to bring the union back to values of equality and fairness, he believes the automatic affiliation of anyone to Ed Miliband may go against their human rights.

“We know that we had supported Ed Miliband in the past, even helping him win the leadership election despite the fact most people would have preferred his brother” Mr McCluskey told reporters.
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Salmond ‘trumps’ Murray knighthood with offer of discount on massive golf course

murray

Murray assumes position for knighting himself

Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.

With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.

“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”

Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
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Gove puts state-maintained schools in England on naughty step

A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.

A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.

Michael Gove yesterday released a new national curriculum which will only be applied to state-maintained schools in England leaving academies, free schools and independent schools to teach whatever they like.

“We are very much being placed on education’s naughty step,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s primary school in Harold. “And held hostage to a curriculum that is rushed, chaotic and reactionary.”

“The Secretary of State for Education is constantly calling for state-maintained schools to be tougher, harder and fiercely competitive. I just wish someone would give us the freedom and the finances to make them better.” Continue reading

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Andy Murray offered asylum in England

Our precioussss. It's our birthday and we wants him.

Our precioussss. It’s our birthday and we wants him.

David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.

“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.” Continue reading

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