Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.
With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.
“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”
Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
“If he reaches world number one, then we’ll have a word with her majesty about abdication”, soothed Cameron. “Murray will play her for sovereignty, over three sets of televised lawn tennis. She may have been serving for 60 years and have an extensive collection of courts, but I doubt even she’s a match for Murray’s 120 miles an hour back hand smash.”
If Murray does make it to Monarch it will be a coup for the Scottish banks; Murray’s head has adorned all bank notes there since late on Sunday evening. His face is just visible behind a row of drawn-on wind turbines.
With his own currency, swathes of Scotland and a knighthood that he will later present to himself, Murray might be forgiven for considering an early retirement. But according to the royal racqueteer, he ‘just wants to play more tennis’.
“As my mum explained to me, this is all a bit too much”, said Murray. “She says I won’t be a pawn in a political game of patriotism.”
Cameron is understood to be disappointed that Murray has reacted so ungratefully, but confirmed that the offer of ‘a blow job off Nick Clegg’ would still stand.