Council’s just like the Commons session ends in embarrassment

speakers chair copy

Mister Super Paws: the purrfect speaker. Eh? Eh? Oh please yourselves.

Members of Harold Council were left red-faced after trying to liven their last meeting up by holding it in true House of Commons style.

“It was a hot night and we were all a bit bored,” said Eileen Remnant, Chair of the Planning Committee. “So we thought we’d have a some fun and pretend to be real politicians.”

In the absence of a Speaker quick-thinking council members secured the services of Mister Super Paws, the village’s favourite kitten, who was content to sit on a chair in exchange for a tied-up handkerchief full of catnip. Once in place council members began their debate over recycling bins in the manner that MPs would.

“I suppose it was fun at first,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson. “I waved some papers in the air and shouted a lot making sure that every time one of the women spoke I yelled ‘Melons! Melons!’ with an accompanying gesture to indicate that I most definitely was not referring to fruit. Then when one of them complained I said ‘Calm down, dear,’ which sounded amusing inside my head but out loud made me seem like an idiot.”

“We mooed at each other, made fart noises. I called Nigel Thorvald a ‘ginger rodent’ he called me ‘a stupid, sanctimonious dwarf’,” recalled Councillor Dave Cummerbund. “But after a while I began to feel sad. I mean shouting ‘resign’ over the top of people so they can’t finish a sentence, not listening to a word that’s being said, and shaking your head with such exaggerated disagreement that you look like a demented meerkat ought to be fun however we all felt like twats.”

“Yes, it wasn’t good,” said Councillor Nina O’Neil. “Not even when I used my hands to stretch out my cheeks and then made crude gestures to imply that like Bob Crossley I’ve got cerebral palsy and in return he said it was obvious that I was ‘extremely frustrated’ all leery so we knew it was about sex.”

Mayor Rufus D. Jackson explained how order was restored. “Just when we were beginning to feel really stupid having exhibited behaviour that would get you sacked from any other job, Mister Super Paws stood up then turned his back on us all and started licking his bits. Respecting his final word as Speaker we took that as our cue to bring things to a close and bugger off to The Squirrel Lickers.”

“Behaving like that was knackering,” he added. “Don’t know how MPs do it so consistently. I assume all those long holidays they get are so they can recover.”


All insults and behaviours in this piece are taken from real House of Commons debates as documented in Hansard and other sources. 

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