The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.
In a surprise move the government today formally legalised the hunting of Job Seeker’s Allowance claimants with dogs.
“It’s a practical measure in this time of austerity,” David Cameron told the press. “Yes, hunting foxes with dogs was made illegal in 2004 but let’s be honest that didn’t exactly put an end to the practice, now did it? So the hunts are there, the claimants are there, all we’re doing is putting the two together in a mutually beneficial arrangement that will cost the decent hard-working tax payer very little.”
It was left to Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith to explain the fine detail of this new law.
“Inevitably there will be some on the left who’ll see this as the needless persecution of the vulnerable but they are wrong,” he declared. “And I have the statistics to prove it. Which section of society is the least likely to visit wild, open spaces? Which is the least likely to take any form of exercise? Which, quite frankly, wouldn’t be in the mess they’re in if they just showed a bit of backbone whilst pulling themselves up by the bootstraps and getting on their bicycles and looking for work? JSA claimants, JSA claimants, JSA claimants!”
Pausing only to wipe flecks of spittle from the corners of his mouth Duncan Smith continued.
“A good run over the moors and a desperate fight for survival will give these layabouts a much-needed sense of discipline and achievement. And for those that don’t make it, well, we’re better off without them. This country needs winners not quitters.”
It was also announced that once the conversion of the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park is completed the government will be using it to test the mettle of claimants of other benefits such as Disability Living Allowance.
“Oh that’s tremendously exciting,” said Duncan Smith. “I can’t wait for the London 2013 Hunger Games to begin.”
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