As the row over fishing rights and a border tax in Gibraltar escalates tensions between the UK and Spain, David Cameron has denied that he is channelling Margaret Thatcher and planning to go a bit Falklands.
“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said the Prime Minister as he gripped his handbag tightly. “I am deeply concerned about the situation in Gibraltar and considering all available options. If one of them happens to be a small victorious war which I can secure another term as PM off the back of then that doesn’t mean I’ll definitely chose it. Just almost definitely, which is entirely different.”
“People have asked what my specific intentions towards Gibraltar are and to them I say this: where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope.”
“As I said earlier to my wife, Dennis, it really is ridiculous for critics to insinuate that I would love to stir up nationalism over somewhere that most people couldn’t find on the map first go as a distraction from the complete failure of my government’s domestic policies. For a start not all our domestic policies have failed – the one to stealth privatise the NHS is going brilliantly.”
While Spain claims sovereignty over Gibraltar it has been a British Overseas Territory since 1713 and the Prime Minister is determined it will remain so.
“One or two of the Wets in my Cabinet have wobbled on this issue but I’ve said to them ‘you turn if you like, the Davey’s not for turning’ and that put an end to the dissent.”
“What we need now is a gesture of togetherness, to bring Gibraltar closer and make it feel truly a part of Britain,” Cameron declared. “So we’ve changed the proposed route of the HS2 railway. It’s now going to start at Euston, ignore the desolate North completely, and end in Gib.”
“Not only will this be populist it will be profitable. After all a big rock covered in monkey shit is a far more attractive destination than Birmingham.”