Category Archives: News

Britain First boycott reading.

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Britain First leaders organising their now famous ‘library invasions’

Far­-right Facebook picture sharers Britain First have called on their supporters to boycott reading after some words were written about them that were critical and questioned their practices.

The group, which is a splinter group of the BNP set up by disgruntled party members, made the call to action following their boycott of The Sun for criticising their use of Lynda Bellingham’s death to garner support and on the Daily Mail for being too socialist and left wing.

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Developers look to nature to solve London’s housing crisis with the ‘Escar-Go’

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With London house prices getting beyond the reach of ordinary people, and affordable properties getting smaller and smaller, one developer has started putting a new range of properties on the market.

Modelled on a snail’s shell, the developer says their new ‘All-In-One Portable Studio Apartment’, named the Escar-Go, has everything a young aspiring professional could need and the homes fit in well with the environment, providing you spend the night in other people’s gardens.

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Prince Philip forced to delete first tweet

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Following in the footsteps of his wife, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip has sent and almost immediately deleted his first tweet.

Tweeting under the user name @Imnotracistbut, the Prince Philip dedicated his first 140 characters to insulting at least four races.
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Cameron to remind EU of British tax values: ‘just because you earn more, doesn’t mean you pay more’

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David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.

The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

North Korea reports Renee Zellweger looks different ‘because she’s dead’

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger's obituary.

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger’s obituary.

North Korea’s news agency is regretting using Google Translate, after it put Renee Zellweger’s new look down to her recent demise.

“I look like this because I’m finally at peace”, Zellweger told a Hollywood awards ceremony. Minutes later, a candle-lit vigil began in Pyongyang.

A spokesman for Kim Jong-un explained that the supreme leader felt an affinity with Zellweger. The dictator has also experienced rapid weight gain in his past, coupled with a powerful attraction to Hugh Grant that ultimately ended in rejection and recrimination.

“Zellweger will be best remembered for her voice work in Monsters V Aliens, a film about the oppression of the people by an evil US government”, said Jong-un in a statement from his recently no-longer-dead uncle. “Although over here, her character was of course voiced by someone else.”

“And just like Ms Zellweger, I also look like this because I’m dead”, said Jong-un’s statement. “You still love me, even though I’ve done a lot of cheese.”

 

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Badgers demand human cull to prevent spread of Ebola

Revenge? Moi?

Revenge? Moi?

Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.

“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”

“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading

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Arms companies welcome airdrop of guns and ammo in the global fight against falling sales

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Arms companies have welcomed America’s decision to supply guns and ammunition to Kurdish fighters.

There were concerns that a lack of ‘boots on the ground’ would see sales of arms reaching pre-Iraq levels.

“At the moment the world is fighting two wars,” a spokesman for arms dealers explained. “One against Ebola, and one against ISIS.

“Sadly you can’t bomb the hell out of Ebola, no matter how often we suggest it, so we are relying on a prolonged war against ISIS to help give us world peace and a decent Christmas bonus.

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NHS set to offer tape worms to fatties instead of gastric bands

Timmy the Tapeworm ..... and host

Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host

Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.

No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake.  There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.

“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident  Jane Fondant

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Filed under Health, Motoring, News

‘Lock up your kids’ a promise not a warning says Grayling

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Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.

Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.

Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Ched Evans urges public to ‘think hard’ over re-electing Nick Clegg

Not a suitable role model

Not a suitable role model

Convicted rapist Ched Evans has urged the public to “think really long and hard” before voting for Nick Clegg again in upcoming elections.

Evans, a Wales international footballer who was jailed in 2012 for raping a 19-year-old woman, said “When you elect an MP, you are not just taking on a representative for your community, you are electing a role model. You have to ask yourself ‘do this man’s actions over the last few years make him the sort of person we want our kids looking up to?’ and I would suggest the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” Continue reading

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Supermarkets under fire for ‘Morning Sickness Kate’ Halloween costume

uhbr1030l_10ltr_bucket_redBritain’s biggest retailers are today coming under pressure to withdraw from sale a Halloween costume that allows wearers to pretend to be the Duchess of Cambridge suffering from severe morning sickness. Continue reading

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Granny’s sliding out with a grin: NHS launch window exit scheme to free up beds

hospitalThe NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital.  Continue reading

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Waitrose trial bouncers in stores to keep out ‘wrong sort of customer’

I don't care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you're not coming in

I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in

Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.

The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading

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Animal rights activist resigns after possible ant killing incident

EH artist's impression of the victim in happier times

EH artist’s impression of the victim in happier times

Leading village animal rights campaigner Rachel Guest has resigned from her position of president of Harold’s Animal First movement after an ‘unforgivable incident’ in which she believes she may have killed a living creature, namely an ant.

Speaking candidly after her shock resignation Ms Guest told the Evening Harold how she had slaughtered the ant. “It was all a terrible accident,” she said with a quivering lip. “I inadvertently stepped on the ant as it was crossing the pavement, minding its own business.”

“I’m usually so careful,” she continued, “which is why it always takes so long for me to walk anywhere, but my mind elsewhere was on the big question  – Do potatoes feel pain? and the equally important Could I live without chips?Continue reading

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Filed under Nature, News

Blacked up Morris Dancers apologise for having photo taken with offensive person

IMG_0260.JPG Embarrassing, misjudged, and totally unacceptable. These are just some of the words some blacked-up Morris dancers have used to explain having their picture with someone most people in society find detestable, David Cameron.
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What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

A grim faced Returning Officer prepares to deliver verdict at Clacton.

Clacton’s returning officer last night

There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.

Where does it come from?  The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.

Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.

Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading

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Nation divided over who is disliked more as John Humphrys interviews Johny Rotten

This isn't going to gowell

“Don’t be a pr*ck all your life John”

Radio 4 listeners were left confused this morning about who they disliked more, after BBC’s chief-hectorer John Humphrys interviewed famously loud-mouthed former Sex Pistols ‘singer’ John Lydon (aka Johny Rotten).

St Mary’s Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery spoke for many in Harold today.

“I try to listen to the ‘Today’ programme, especially if John Humphrys is on. His wonderfully sneering voice gets me proper fired up for the school day. When I heard that oaf John Lydon was going to be on, I knew it’d be lively and phoned in sick so I wouldn’t miss it. You won’t print any of this stuff will you?”

As anticipated, the interview was heavily edited before transmission but the Evening Harold has seen a small section of the transcript. Continue reading

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Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website

BBC top 10The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.

Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news.  Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.

“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading

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EH investigates: do people only troll when hiding behind internet anonymity?

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Er…no?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Nope, not with us sadly living on the version of Earth where Richard Littlejohn is real.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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We rest our case.

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Cat owners open gardens for public defecation

I'd give it 5 minutes if I were you

“I’d give it five minutes. Make that ten”

Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.

This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.

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