The NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital.
“There’s not enough beds,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. “But by getting a patient to ‘chute off’ as soon as all of that time-wasting wishing other people well and thanking the medical staff is eliminated and a bed is free to be used again faster than you can say Nye Bevan.”
“Critics have said that shoving pyjama-clad people who are not physically robust out a window and down a storeys high slide could lead to relapses and fatalities,” Hunt said. “To those critics I say, totally did already during the pilot scheme.”
“But I also say that we’ve all got to go sometime, and slides are fun! So let’s get granny down that chute and let her last moments be filled with adrenalin and exhilaration.”
NHS evacuation slides are currently free at the point of use. Mr Hunt dismissed the fact that in May 2015 he will take a place on the board of Patient Drop Inc as a mere coincidence.
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