Category Archives: Food

by | May 6, 2014 · 11:00 am

Man dies after ignoring ‘5 second rule’

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Ignoring 5 second rule ‘like playing Russian Roulette with biscuits’ warn experts.

Medical experts are calling for greater awareness of the ‘5 second rule’, the safe time limit for eating food after it’s fallen on the floor.

The campaign comes after the death of a man who ate a gravitied Hobnob, that had been on the carpet for over a quarter of a minute.

“Some jokers seem to think these rules don’t apply to them”, said Harold GP Doctor Evans. “Eating floor food after 5 seconds has passed can easily kill you. Or failing that, make you stronger.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Louis Vuitton enters ‘posh crisp bag’ market

vuiton crisps

Louis Vuitton crisp bags unlikely to be plundered by husbands.

Fashion giant Louis Vuitton is targeting fat cats, with a new range of impossibly posh potato-based snack bags.

The firm will offer exclusive flavours for the more discerning palate, including lamb n’ minted, cheese et privilege and ‘plain’ pomme de tiara.

With product placement key to success, celebrities from LA to St. Tropez have been spotted dipping into the designer delicacies, before wiping their fingers on a servant.
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by | April 29, 2014 · 2:30 pm

North Korean restaurant fails to make World ‘top 50’ list despite 99.9% customer satisfaction

Zhou prepares his signature dish 'Rice'

Zhou prepares his signature dish ‘Rice’

A restaurant specialising in North Korean cuisine reacted furiously to being left out of the World ‘top 50’ list despite consistently recording customer satisfaction ratings in excess of 99.9%.

Dave Zhou, supreme proprietor of ‘the 38th Parallel’ in the sleepy village of Harold, told reporters that the World ‘top 50’ snub showed that the Judges were mere prawns in the Western Capitalist Pig Dog Global Conspiracy before clarifying to a hungry member of the press that yes, he did in fact take American Express.

Zhou, who is well known for his signature, and in fact only, dish ‘Rice’, said the Judges had failed to appreciate his ground breaking fusion technique: “I just pound the rice and cook it for a few minutes longer than usual and it all sticks together.”
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by | April 13, 2014 · 5:00 pm

‘No cure’ for addiction to cold turkey

Connor Harris seen leaving the doctor’s surgery today.

You are what you eat.  This is Connor Harris.

Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.

Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.

“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”

“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”

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by | April 10, 2014 · 2:34 pm

No man can win Masterchef while new ‘washing up round’ remains

Male Masterchef contestants have complained that they ‘have no way of winning’ following new rules that mean they have to leave the kitchen tidy.

While soufflés and reductions hold no fear for men in the tea-cooking contest, wiping a damp cloth around the worktops afterwards is more than many can manage.

Hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode have winced at the attempts by some men to clean up after themselves. They fear that just the thought of having to leave the place spotless will make many contestants ‘dumb down’ their menus to avoid mess.

Extracts from last night’s show seem to support this.

wallacetorrodefinal

Fisher (voiceover): Ricky has made his signature dish of cooled-over beans served in a tin cylinder. His workstation remains spotless.
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by | March 21, 2014 · 11:00 am

New rules ‘may mean old people will blow pensions on heating and food’

fuel

Orgy of light and warmth

Charities are reporting growing concern that new pension rules will lead to old people recklessly squandering their retirement income on luxuries such as heating and food.

After 2015, people reaching retirement age will be able to use pension pots however they want, rather than having to buy a guaranteed annual income, and the fear is that many will rush out to buy tinned food, which they will then cook using fuel in an adequately-heated apartment. Continue reading →

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by | February 3, 2014 · 11:00 am

How did 4 million housewives boil an egg in WW1?

eggysoldier

An eggy soldier digs in and awaits the big push.

With this being the centenary year of the First World War™, we ask Harold’s oldest living conscientious objector about life in the second best conflict in history.

“Kids these days take a boiled egg for granted I suppose”, suggests George Butler, 119. “But back then, the warmed chicken foetus had only just been discovered, by a chap in Berlin who ate something that fell out of a hen and landed in a kettle.

“They weren’t called eggs straight away, no no no. Until 1915 they were known as ‘kaiser orbs’ or ‘hun balls’ if you were common. Anti-German feeling was so strong that omlettes were eventually considered an act of treason.

“That’s why in Harold, we had the famous ‘chicken trials’ of 1914. All the kids cheered when a bantam broiler was found guilty of Germanism and tied to the church and shot. You could still see the bullet holes in the old vicar right up until his death in 1986.”
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by | January 31, 2014 · 7:00 am

Horse is ‘so last year’ UK tells China

horseface

A horse doing an impression of the Princess Royal.

His Excellency Liu Xiaoming, the Chinese Ambassador to the UK, has been summoned to appear before an Environment Agency Committee to answer a charge of ‘insensitivity’ over introducing yet another Year of the Horse so soon after last year’s horsemeat scandal.

“We only just put the whole sorry business of horse behind us,” said Owen Patterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.  “Now the Chinese seem intent on stirring up all the bad memories again.”

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by | January 19, 2014 · 11:00 am

Internet-connected fridge found watching porn, ordering pizza

scaryfridge

Oh God, not that!

Following reports of an internet-connected fridge being caught sending out spam emails, another fridge has been discovered taking advantage of its online capability by ordering takeaway pizza and watching pornography late into the night.

The device, an LG Chillmaster 4000, is one of the new generation of fridges which have access to the internet, although what this could be used for has not been clear until now.

Security firm Proofpoint were investigating a recent virus attack which has compromised media PCs and smart TV sets when they raided a private house in the UK village of Harold, expecting to find the hacker responsible. Instead, they burst in on the large silver fridge slumped in a corner of the kitchen, surrounded by empty beer bottles, doors akimbo and “acting in a threatening manner.” Continue reading →

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by | December 22, 2013 · 7:30 am

Cocaine recategorised as Class ABC1

cocaine

‘No’ to junkies, ‘yes’ to aspirational cocaine consumers.

Politicians have called for cocaine to be recategorised as Class ABC1, which would restrict its use to those with a demographic very similar to politicians.

While the use of recreational drugs by poor people has long been frowned upon, MPs and senior police believe ‘now is the time’ to reassess their impact on architects, dentists and TV chefs.

“We want the public to know that casual drug use will not be tolerated”, said Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe. “But smart-casual drug use is fine.”
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by | December 20, 2013 · 7:00 am

Celebration as woman finally discovers what the flaps on the end of kitchen foil boxes are for

plastic-wrap-and-foil-box-trick-2-web

You didn’t know these things were there either, did you?

There was celebration in Harold as a woman discovered what the flaps on the ends of kitchen foil boxes are for and used a roll of foil correctly for the very first time.

“I’d always used it the way God intended,” said Sally Lloyd owner of Sally’z Cut’z hair and beauty salon. “You open the box, tug on it a bit, then struggle to get the serrated edge to work and nine times out of ten the whole roll falls out at that point so you have a little but heartfelt swear and try again.” Continue reading →

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by | December 2, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Aldi employ sheepdogs to ‘herd’ customers around their shops

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Discount supermarket, Aldi, has announced its plan to get customers in and out as quickly as possible in the run up to Christmas. From Thursday stores will employ sheepdogs to herd people around the stores and to the tills.

“We often see an increase in customers this time of year, and many are here for first time,” joint chief executive, Matthew Barnes said.

“We make no money from people standing around in the aisles or taking time to read the ingredients, so we have partially trained Bull Terriers to herd them round as quickly as possible.
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by | November 29, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Protected status sought for Harold Frog Sandwich

frogsandwich

Harold Frog Sandwich has ‘spawned’ imitators.

A campaign has been launched in the village of Harold, to seek EC recognition for their traditional frog sandwich.

But Residents of the nearby village of Drone! – regarded by generations of Haroldites as their rivals and inferiors –  insist the snack is a pale imitation of their own signature dish, the marginally bulkier Drone! Toad Panini.

Harold councillor Ron Ronnson dismissed such claims, and called on Drone! to ‘eat up or put up’.

“If anything, Drone! blatantly copied us”, insisted Ronnson. “Those buggers are always trying to cause trouble. They only added the exclamation mark to their name to make the place seem more interesting. But let me tell you: no self-respecting frog would find itself dead being eaten in Drone!.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Human civet coffee on sale for first time at Christmas Fayre

Mocha Regrets

Mocha Regrets

Harold’s annual Christmas Fayre will be held at the weekend and promises to be another exciting occasion.

The sensation of last year’s event was Mavis Bottomley’s Nettle & Blackcurrant Jelly which she later revealed had been strained through a vintage pair underpants belonging to her husband, Ted, to “obtain that unique earthy flavour”.

This year the couple have had a crack at producing their own human civet coffee. “Initially we tried enlisting the assistance of the cat, but eventually Ted threw his hat into the ring and we started production,” said Mavis.

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by | November 27, 2013 · 7:00 am

Microsoft admits new Xbox is ‘made of cheese’

xboxcheese

Agreeably sophisticated gaming. With cheese.

Following a number of reports on internet forums, Microsoft has admitted that ‘a small number’ of its new Xbox One system are showing signs of being unexpectedly made of cheese.

Early adopters of the next-generation games console have been experiencing problems where consoles are overheating, refusing to load game discs, or, in extreme cases, exuding a sickly-sweet milky odour and oozing with the mammalian stomach enzyme rennet (often used in the production of cheese). Continue reading →

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by | November 20, 2013 · 7:00 am

Potato found in field near Harold

spudfield

Potato ‘undressed me with his eyes’ claimed Jane Fondant.

There was much excitement in Harold today following local tramp John Horse’s lucky find of a solitary late-season King Edward in a field on the outskirts of the village.

“We had a long chat about the England back four,” said Horse, “and shared a couple of jokes about Rio Ferdinand before I realised I was dealing with an organism with far more intelligence than any English footballer.  So I popped ’im in me pocket.”

Horse successfully fought off an imaginary mob of ‘bastard thieving scavengers’ clearly intent on snatching the precious vegetable from his grasp as he made his way along the central reservation of Chiggley Moor Lane, finally reaching the sanctuary of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms.
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by | November 16, 2013 · 1:35 pm

‘Butter up your elderly relatives in time for Christmas’, says Prince Charles

queenBanquet

I suppose an OBE’s out of the question, then?

Following the suggestion by Princess Anne that Britons should eat horsemeat to improve the animals’ quality of life, another member of the Royal Family has come forward with his own alternative to traditional beef.

Prince Charles, who has a range of organic and inordinately expensive products from his Duchy of Cornwall range, has stepped into the row with his ‘Queen Bessie’ line.

While many have been put off the idea of eating elderly or infirm relatives by the poor quality of the meat, weeping sores and lack of good recipes, HRH thinks that it is an option which will garner more and more popularity as rising energy, food and residential care costs bite harder.
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by | November 9, 2013 · 12:00 pm

Richard Littlejohn reveals his secret life as a tattooed single mother

littlejohnmother

Tired of living a lie

In a tearful confession to journalists at his Florida mansion, Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn has finally admitted that he is actually a single mother of two, named Tracy.

Littlejohn’s femaleness has been an open secret for years among Fleet Street insiders, but the reading public might be surprised, given his outspoken views on everyone else.

Arm in arm with life partner Janet, Richard ‘Tracy’ Littlejohn revealed that his brash, unpleasant journalist persona was merely “a facade to get paid work”, and explained to crowds of sympathetic reporters how things had gone too far:
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by | · 8:00 am

‘Cannibal Mayor’ vows to stay in office

Mayor Jackson in reflective mood.

Mayor Jackson in reflective mood.

The Mayor of the village of Harold has vowed not to resign, despite police confirmation that they have a video of him apparently eating a local pensioner.

Mayor Rufus D Jackson, who had previously denied being a murderous man-eating monster, appeared emotional as he insisted to journalists this morning that “a few isolated bouts of cannibalism” should not prevent him from doing his job.

After months of ducking the question, Mr Jackson acknowledged at a press conference outside Harold’s butcher supplies emporium that he had merely “eaten one or two people” while “really really hungry”.
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by | October 31, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Winter Campaign: Recycle Your Fat And Save a Skinny

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Have you ever wondered how to dispose of excess cooking fat without clogging the sewers or your arteries?

Do you wish you George Foreman grill could be a ‘lean, green, death reducing, smugness machine’?

Well, Harold council have the solution to all your problems this winter with their new

‘Recycle Your Fat And Save a Skinny’ campaign

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