Microsoft admits new Xbox is ‘made of cheese’


Agreeably sophisticated gaming. With cheese.

Following a number of reports on internet forums, Microsoft has admitted that ‘a small number’ of its new Xbox One system are showing signs of being unexpectedly made of cheese.

Early adopters of the next-generation games console have been experiencing problems where consoles are overheating, refusing to load game discs, or, in extreme cases, exuding a sickly-sweet milky odour and oozing with the mammalian stomach enzyme rennet (often used in the production of cheese).

Gavin Barker from the village of Harold was one of the proud first customers to purchase a new Xbox, shortly after midnight from a boutique delicatessen in Oxford Street. He complained: “I had problems as soon as I plugged it in. Games wouldn’t load up, I couldn’t get a picture on the TV, and it was made of cheese.”

A defensive Microsoft spokesperson played down the problems, saying: “In any product launch there will be a small number of defective units. This is a perfectly normal part of the manufacturing process, and we are working closely with the affected customers as part of our Ploughman’s Exchange program to either replace their X Box with a fully-functional unit, or alternatively supply them with a complimentary set of crackers and pickled onion.

Capitalising on the opportunity for a publicity coup at their rival’s expense, the CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment issued a statement assuring consumers that the launch of the PlayStation 4 would not be plagued by similar quality issues.

“At PlayStation we perform rigorous testing to ensure that dairy-related issues are all but eliminated before we take a new product to market,” he insisted. “And in any case, the PlayStation 4 is far more mature than our competitors, with a full-bodied flavour and far greater compatibility with a wide range of third-party chutneys.”

“Of course, we are still alone among games consoles in featuring the latest high-definition Danish Blu-Ray players.”

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