Cocaine recategorised as Class ABC1

‘No’ to junkies, ‘yes’ to aspirational cocaine consumers.

Politicians have called for cocaine to be recategorised as Class ABC1, which would restrict its use to those with a demographic very similar to politicians.

While the use of recreational drugs by poor people has long been frowned upon, MPs and senior police believe ‘now is the time’ to reassess their impact on architects, dentists and TV chefs.

“We want the public to know that casual drug use will not be tolerated”, said Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe. “But smart-casual drug use is fine.”

Cocaine will be elevated to the same status as fine cognac and swan meat, which are now only illegal on council estates.  Marketing companies have largely welcomed the move, with the possible exception of Saatchi and Saatchi.

Hogan-Howe explained the reasoning behind his decision.

“By regulating the supply to keep it out of the nostrils of riff-raff, we should be able to limit its use to those capable of appreciating the finer nuances of an uncut bag of Colombian”, he said. “We’ll licence its sale to outlets such as Fortnum and Mason, or perhaps Waitrose if they can convince Delia to endorse it.”

Duchy Originals are already developing their ‘new line’. Packaged in a little tin box with a watercolour of a loch on the front, it also depicts a man in red trousers chewing his own face off.

“We’re expecting it to sell well, anything that the public see Nigella tucking into normally flies off the shelves”, said a spokesman. “And of course being organic, there’s less chance of it being cut with rat poison.”

The finer etiquette of cocaine use will need to be explained to the aspiring middle class. Fortunately it’s an area that the BBC thinks it can excel in. Saturday Kitchen will now start at 2 in the morning, just in time for the punters to come in from the opera.

“With some hints and tips about how to make the most of your stash, even a lowly banking intern should be able to stay off their tits until the Antiques Roadshow”, said Hogan-Howe. “The only problem will be if it’s ever repeated on Dave. There’s some right scumbags that can get hold of that.”

A seasonal special has been pencilled in from 24th December until New Year, featuring tips on note rolling, removing scratches from a Swarovski compact mirror and retrieving a septum from a Villeroy and Boch sink.

“Sophisticated cocaine use is something we can all aspire to”, said Hogan-Howe. “I’m certainly dreaming of a white Christmas.”