The lot of them
Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.
In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.
“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.
“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”
“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”
Filed under News, Politics, Sex
Oh God, not that!
Following reports of an internet-connected fridge being caught sending out spam emails, another fridge has been discovered taking advantage of its online capability by ordering takeaway pizza and watching pornography late into the night.
The device, an LG Chillmaster 4000, is one of the new generation of fridges which have access to the internet, although what this could be used for has not been clear until now.
Security firm Proofpoint were investigating a recent virus attack which has compromised media PCs and smart TV sets when they raided a private house in the UK village of Harold, expecting to find the hacker responsible. Instead, they burst in on the large silver fridge slumped in a corner of the kitchen, surrounded by empty beer bottles, doors akimbo and “acting in a threatening manner.” Continue reading
Unknown interpreter enjoying post-ejaculatory cigarette
News outlets worldwide have been left red-faced today after it emerged that the man they assumed was the official sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was, in fact, merely standing next to the stage masturbating.
Viewers were at first confused that during President Obama’s address the man did not seem to be using recognised sign language, and this confusion was redoubled when it became apparent that the interpreter had removed his trousers and, giving up all pretence of communication, was frantically beating his male organ.
The Deaf Federation of South Africa told the BBC the man’s signs were “arbitrary”, “did not make sense”, and “he was clearly tugging himself off during the key points of the speech.” Continue reading
When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is terribly sexy but it was still quite a surprise.
The news that an app has been launched to encourage female masturbation has been met with despair from Harold’s older generation.
“Young people today,” grumbled Ruby Butler, 83. “They’ll need an app to tell them when to breathe in-and-out next. In my day we didn’t have iPhones explaining at us about having fun with our otter’s pockets we had to make our own entertainment and it was lovely.” Continue reading