Category Archives: Around Harold

‘No cure’ for addiction to cold turkey

Connor Harris seen leaving the doctor’s surgery today.

You are what you eat.  This is Connor Harris.

Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.

Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.

“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”

“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Food, Health, Lifestyle, Medicine, spam

Local school regrets sending children home with ‘Clandestine Affair Bear’

teddy1

Could you love a little bear? No, not like that

St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.

“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:

‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’ Continue reading

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Children ‘asked to bring in bricks for school renovations’

Following cuts to school budgets, many parents are being asked to make voluntary contributions to building materials needed for urgent school renovation work, a survey says.

schoolbuilders

For fuck’s sake, get me a wheelbarrow over here!

The Association of Teachers and Lecturers survey of 500 staff members in schools found 46% of parents were asked to bring in bricks or breezeblocks, with a futher 15% required to contribute cement, concrete or waterproof grouting.

Department for Education guidance says: “Nothing in legislation prevents a school governing body or local authority from asking for voluntary contributions for the benefit of the school or any school activities, especially a nice bit or tarmac for that dodgy carpark or some scaffolding if you don’t mind.”

It adds: “When making requests for voluntary contributions, parents must not be made to feel pressurised into paying as it is voluntary and not compulsory. However, children who do not contribute to building work may be required to sit outside in the rain, the tight-arsed little bastards.” Continue reading

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Translator wins Chinese contract, joy radiance abounds

A happy, long man is upwording for China, in a moneybelt stuffer to glory.

grass

Unenglishing backwards can also be attend.

Malcolm ‘Translator’ Evans, clear minded and winsome, will do english from the stuff China are pouting.

“Its been a mind tapper for some period of doubt in my wallet”, beamed Evans, taller now and communistically handsome. “I word to the wise, harsh wood softly poken. Never capitals, you bellowing prannet.”
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Self-sufficient couple dream of retiring to London ex-council estate

cockney gothic

Happy at last: couple can’t wait to retire to the city.

A Harold couple who grow vegetables on their organic small-holding can’t wait to sell everything and buy an ex-council house in London.

Jeanette and Ted Evans have worked tirelessly on their farm for the last 18 years, sometimes waking as early as 9.30am to tend to their radishes and spring cabbages.

Ted has dreamed for some time of giving it all up and moving to a sink estate, perhaps somewhere pebble-dashed with a shared communal area.
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, Farming

Rare goat-sheep-donkey-boy born on local farm

DNA pool getting a bit murky.

DNA pool getting a bit murky.

A rare hybrid being that is part goat, part sheep, part donkey and part human boy child has been born on a farm on the outskirts of Harold Village.

The animal, referred to as a gooney boy, was born about two weeks ago on local farmer Lionel Garage’s farm.

The unexpected arrival is thought to be the result of mating between a goat, a sheep, a donkey and one of the potato-pickers.

Mr Garage said the cross-breeding was not intentional.  “It was a pure shock to the system,” he said, “definitely a one-off.”

“I’ve never seen anything like him before,” he told the Evening Harold, “and I come from a long line of sheep-shaggers.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, DNA, Farming, Lifestyle, Nature, Pets, Sex

Mrs Miller’s Tale: Chaucer manuscript found in local kitchen drawer

Miller 2An expert from Sotheby’s has confirmed that a medieval-looking manuscript he found in the kitchen of a vegetarian restaurant in Harold is an authentic Chaucerian artefact from the mid-fourteenth century.

Restaurant owner Pippa Delaney was incredulous on hearing the news. “I can’t believe how long I’ve been saying I must sort out that kitchen drawer,” she said.

“Quaint little villages like Harold are full of priceless gems from yesteryear, tucked away in cupboards and attics,” said the Sotheby’s expert. “I just had a gut feeling in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! although that may have been the lentil and three-bean soup.”

“Well, thank goodness he asked for a rummage in my drawers,” said Pippa, “I would have put that smelly scrap of paper in the bin for sure. The mustiness was bad enough, but the handwriting and spelling were a disgrace.”

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Are you getting 7 a day? Take our quiz and find out!

pak choiThe government is recommending that we all eat 7 portions of fruit and veg a day. Are you consuming a sufficiently large volume of plant matter?

Q1: It is the middle of the night. You wake up feeling hungry. Do you:
a: Reach under the bed and whip out a ‘night banana’.
b: Pop downstairs and make a snack from an orange preserve and two slices of bread.
c: Tear the arm off a large Marine and eat it up in one gulp.
d: Transfer a portion of pulped grass from your first stomach to your second.

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Police force admit ‘ant terrorism’ initiative result of typing error

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

The Harold police force has admitted that a recent focus on ant terrorism was “almost certainly” a result of a typing error, with the number of arrests still standing at zero after more than six months of hard work.

“I went to a regional conference on policing in Luton and there was a lot going on so I struggled to keep up but made the best notes I could.” explained an embarrassed PC Flegg, “There was a whole section on anti-terrorism techniques, but it would appear that when I came to type up my notes I missed the i off anti.” Continue reading

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Cat with tuberculosis ‘was actually a bagpipe’

bagpuss

Cat or bagpipe? Experts can tell just by blowing into it.

Council health officials have confirmed that a suspected cat with TB was actually just a feral set of bagpipes.

Residents had complained about a wretched animal with rasping, asthmatic breath which had left many unable to sleep. “It went right through you, I felt so sorry for the little fella”, said local Pippa Delaney. “But at the same time, I sort of wanted to kill it.”

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Pest control ‘struggling to cope’ with dangerous mythical creatures

cerberus

Not so much as a pooper scooper.

Pest control officers are struggling to cope with a growing number of dangerous mythical creatures around Harold.

Already this week, Elvis Smith has been called out to tackle a Cerberus and five centaurs, and one vague description of a pegasus.

“Fortunately the Cerberus turned out to be a man walking three dogs at once”, revealed Smith, “and the centaurs were all girls on ponies. But it’s only a matter of time before I have to deal with something properly incredible. The council ought to give me some magical armour, or a super power or something.”

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Anger as hetero couple is prevented from downgrading their marriage to a civil partnership

"Lucky buggers"

“Lucky buggers”

The arrival of gay marriage has finally introduced equality into all partnerships whether homosexual, lesbian or heterosexual. Or so it was thought.

However, when Harold couple, Chantel and Dave Brooke, felt their marriage was a in a rut and becoming a little too secure, they looked around for a solution that would loosened the shackles of marriage. Since they had no wish to become totally decoupled they hit upon the idea of having their two year marriage downgraded to the status of civil partnership. Continue reading

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Tesco inflicts superstore on model village

mini tesco

Visitors can earn Clubcard points just by staring at the monstrosity.

Lawyers for Tesco are celebrating a famous victory, after successfully imposing a massive superstore on a model village.

‘Lillyharold’, a miniature village filled with tudor cottages, duck ponds and a perfectly-to-scale plague pit, has delighted visitors for over 50 years.

But now tourists are finding themselves drawn to a monstrous glass-and-steel carbuncle, stifling interest in the nearby greengrocers, butchers and turn-of-the-century phone shop.

Capability Evans has tended Lillyharold for the past 25 years, and is devastated by the effect the small enormous Tesco has had.

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Hands off your forelocks, feet in your socks: new report says Brits waste money and time overusing the word royal

rsz_queen-7

Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. Or we could call her Granny Bling Hat.

In a controversial new report Harold academic Professor Julia Hogsburn is calling for the word royal to be banned from public life. In it she details how much money is spent each year by forelock tugging Brits insisting on writing royal in front of things. Continue reading

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‘Brave’ men to go into work unshaven and dishevelled for bollock cancer charity

John Virgo - Everyday Hero

John Virgo – Everyday Hero

With over £2m raised by the recent “no make-up selfie” viral campaign, men are now being inspired to go even further to do their bit.

In the past few days, hundreds of thousands of ‘courageous and empowered’ women have posted pictures of themselves without make-up on social media, raising awareness for a charity, earning praise for their fearlessness, and inspiring the men working at Harold’s Knife and Scissors factory to do something – and now their idea has gone viral under the hashtag ‪#‎WeCanBeHeroes‬ .

‘We don’t wear make-up, but we knew that if we had the guts to do it, we could look a proper mess showing our inner beauty if we didn’t shave or brush our teeth for a few days,’ said Ben Chobham who helped come up with the idea. ‘Then things just snowballed from there!’

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The Beast of Harold (an unsolved mystery)

Beast of Harold  (artist's impression)

Beast of Harold (artist’s impression)

Villagers on the outskirts of Harold spoke yesterday of their fear and horror after numerous sightings of a mysterious beast were reported.

Residents spoke of hearing a continuous low growl, the sound of claws scraping over stone, a heavy chain dragging and other sinister and otherworldly noises.

Those who saw what has been called The Beast of Harold, describe it as a large, dog-like dark-furred animal, around the size of a Shetland pony and with amber eyes which blazed an iridescent green in torchlight.

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Big Sneeze Theory: local cosmologist ‘in with a shout for a Nobel’

Cosmic Microwave Background.  Now wash your hands.

Cosmic Microwave Background. Now wash your hands.

The beginning of the Universe has always perplexed the human mind.

But new findings by some of the most powerful telescopes in the world have given credence to the Big Sneeze Theory first propounded by Harold cosmologist Alec Fairchild ten years ago in the Squirrel Lickers’ Arms.

‘Professor’ Fairchild, as he’s known locally, has put in his claim for a Nobel Prize, supported by Eddie, landlord of the SLA.  “I remember it well,” Eddie told the Evening Harold, “he was expounding his sneezing theory left, right and centre.  In the end, I had to ask him to leave to prevent a flu epidemic.”

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Ofsted inspectors found to be roving pack of baboons

baboons

Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw in combative mood yesterday

Following reports that many Ofsted inspectors do not have the skills or teaching experience needed to judge schools, is has emerged that what was assumed to be a body of humans is in fact largely made up of a roving pack of baboons, missing from London Zoo for several years.

The problem seems to have started as Ofsted became increasingly reliant on private firms to provide inspectors, with the obvious lack of quality controls that brings.

Motivated purely by profits, the outsourcing companies seem to have employed the cheapest inspectors possible, with the baboons undercutting even the foreign or dead candidates.

Many schools did not notice any difference at first, so low were their expectations of the inspectors, and suspicions only came to light after a recent think tank report mentioned that the majority of inspectors “Lacked teaching experience, and seemed to be covered in fur matted with faeces”. Continue reading

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Harold architect planning to convert his house back into a barn

barn

Artist’s impression of completed barn re-conversion.

Touched by the plight of lambing sheep stranded on the Somerset Levels, Harold architect Joseph Blythe has applied to Harold Council for permission to convert his high-spec open-plan living accommodation back into the barn from which he created it a decade ago.

“It’s a long-term job that’s going to cost a lot of money,” he said, but remains undaunted by the scale of the project, which involves ripping out the balconied mezzanine above the main living area and replacing it with a simple hayloft and digging up the Italian stone floor tiles to create a soil-level sleeping area for the sheep. Continue reading

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Harold Dog Rescue needs more dogs. Can you help?

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Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available

Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.

“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”

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