Pest control ‘struggling to cope’ with dangerous mythical creatures


Not so much as a pooper scooper.

Pest control officers are struggling to cope with a growing number of dangerous mythical creatures around Harold.

Already this week, Elvis Smith has been called out to tackle a Cerberus and five centaurs, and one vague description of a pegasus.

“Fortunately the Cerberus turned out to be a man walking three dogs at once”, revealed Smith, “and the centaurs were all girls on ponies. But it’s only a matter of time before I have to deal with something properly incredible. The council ought to give me some magical armour, or a super power or something.”

Despite so far only finding false alarms, Smith insists villains are drawn to owning mythical animals. Perhaps for home defence, to intimidate rivals or as a show of masculinity.

“It’s one thing owning a pitbull, but can you imagine the balls it takes to show up to a drug deal on a unicorn?” asked Smith. “Although to be fair, that turned out to be a cow with a Cornetto on its head.”

As Smith uncellotaped a swan from the back of a horse after yet another ‘Pegasus’ tip-off, we asked if anyone had a reason to undermine him and make him look stupid.

“I shouldn’t have thought so”, he said defensively. “Although this did all start after I found Eddie in his cellar with his head wedged up half a sow. He tried to claim he was a ‘manbearpig’, but I know a godless, pagan ritual when I see one.”

Smith admitted he had wavered at first, Eddie’s luxuriant back hair making a convincing case for the presence of bear DNA. But according to the pest controller, most mythical creatures aren’t quite so roaring drunk.

By the end of the week, however, Smith had proved his worth after receiving reports of a Medusa in the village. “It’ll be Ms Delaney doing a selfie for cancer,” he had written in his diary, which they found later at the feet of his statue.

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