Q1: It is the middle of the night. You wake up feeling hungry. Do you:
a: Reach under the bed and whip out a ‘night banana’.
b: Pop downstairs and make a snack from an orange preserve and two slices of bread.
c: Tear the arm off a large Marine and eat it up in one gulp.
d: Transfer a portion of pulped grass from your first stomach to your second.
Q2: You have survived the night and it is now time for breakfast. What do you fancy?
a: A nice grapefruit, or a fruit salad. Perhaps with a slice of wholegrain toast.
b: The remains of the sticky, orange substance that is matted into your fur.
c: The back fat off a sniper.
d: A squidgy, oozing blob of green that has just passed to your third stomach.
Q3: Mid-morning, and you need something to tide you over until lunch. What can I tempt you with?
a: I’ve got a little airtight pot full of grapes, thanks. Look Tracy, I’m eating grapes. Not biscuits, YOU FAT PIG.
b: I’ve prepared for just such an emergency. I keep a reserve marmalade sandwich under my hat.
c: A couple of ears from the chain I wear around my neck.
d: A big clod of grass, and maybe a hoop of metal from a sky lantern.
Q4: Hooray! It’s dinner time! What’ll it be?
a: A salad, or a vegetable soup. As long as its on a smaller plate than Tracy’s.
b: I’m not sure. I’ve looked through the whole shelf and I can’t find a marmalade sandwich that doesn’t have f***ing mayonnaise in it.
c: The face off a pygmy assassin.
d: Some grass, with a side of ground-up dead chickens and antibiotics.
Q5: It’s been a long day, and it’s finally tea time. What do you think you’ll have?
a: A stirfry, with lots of fresh pak choi and bean sprouts. The picture you took has already got 5 ‘likes’ on Facebook. Tracy has unfriended you.
b: I’m still quite full after devouring the lady in the sandwich shop. Doesn’t she know not to wind up a 300-lb grizzly?
c: Arnold Schwarzenegger, if you can get it.
d: That last meal disagreed with me. I am now a hexadecimal cheese unicorn.
How did you do? Let’s find out!
Mostly a’s: You are a noisy vegetarian. You will live for ever if Tracy doesn’t strangle you with her fat hands tomorrow.
Mostly b’s: You are Paddington.
Mostly c’s: You are Predator.
Mostly d’s: You are a cow.