Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. Or we could call her Granny Bling Hat.
In a controversial new report Harold academic Professor Julia Hogsburn is calling for the word royal to be banned from public life. In it she details how much money is spent each year by forelock tugging Brits insisting on writing royal in front of things.
“Initially the amount seems negligible,” Professor Hogsburn said. “But the ink wasted adding ‘Royal’ to organisations that would operate just as effectively without it: the Opera House, the Mail etc soon mounts up and ultimately costs tens of millions a year.”
However Professor Hogsburn says that the biggest waste isn’t measured in money but time.
“It’s the titles the Royal family have,” she explained. “All those precious seconds saying ‘Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second’ add up and see the UK economy lose thousands of working hours a week.”
The Professor’s report recommends that the Windsors be renamed.
“What’s wrong with calling The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh – Liz and Phil?” she asked. “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince George could collectively be referred to as ‘aw, bless’ and the rest don’t need words. A raised eyebrow and a knowing snigger would do for Prince Harry while all the others can be summed up by either an eye-roll, a snort of contempt, a flap of the wrist or a combination of all three.”
“This system is fast, effective and would save the UK immense amounts of time.”
Professor Hogsburn denied that what she is advocating is the thin end of the wedge which would lead to the monarchy being disbanded.
“Not at all,” she said. “Without them the UK wouldn’t be the seventh most popular tourist destination on earth. Beaten only by those proud constitutional monarchies: France, USA, China, Turkey, Italy and Germany…oh.”
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