Local school regrets sending children home with ‘Clandestine Affair Bear’

Could you love a little bear? No, not like that

St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.

“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:

‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’

‘I’d dreaded going to Shania’s house. I’d heard her mum was a crack whore, and her dad a pimp. I was surprised to discover that it’s the other way around and her dad is the crack whore. I was left in the kitchen all weekend, chopping lines of coke for punters but I’m much too young to use a razor blade’.

‘Here’s me on the London Eye. What you can’t see is Stacey’s Mum and Dad joining the 70 metre high club. I didn’t know where to look.’

‘When Patrick took me home, I overheard his mum talking about a sleepover. I was quite excited at the thought of lots of other children being there. Then I found it was his parents who were having a sleepover with Celine’s par ents, and they were making pig noises all night.’
 
Not all St Mary’s staff are critical of Billy though. Janice Logan, part-time caretaker and Chief Executive of Harold Neighbourhood Watch, thinks her furry friend should continue to snoop on the private lives of villagers. “If they’ve done nothing wrong, then they’ve nothing to fear.” says Logan “Ideally, Billy should be fitted with tiny CCTV cameras. Can you still get HD and slow-motion replay with the smaller ones?”

For the time being however, the last entry in ‘Billy’s Diary’ will remain:

‘I guess Billy Bear was excited to visit Imran’s home. Sadly though, he was mauled to death by the family’s pit-bulls. I am not Billy but a similar, cheaper bear from Toysrus. I’m sorry, but I had to say something. I can no longer go on living a lie.