Muslims in Harold and Dunstable are feeling the cold having been ordered by the local council to forgo clothes and instead wear giant poppies.
“It’s time we knew whose side they’re on,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson. “Muslims wearing poppies, and only poppies, is no more than the brave men and women of Her Majesty’s armed forces deserve. Anyone refusing to comply is letting Isis win.” Continue reading
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It’s the little details that shows the maker had given up caring.
Kyle Hostage hated his wife, and spent every waking hour in his shed making a ‘model village’. But in an act of painstaking passive-aggressive carpentry, Mr Hostage made sure it was a disappointing, shit village; a simile for his empty life and hollow marriage.
“I could have had an affair, I suppose”, Mr Hostage told us last year. “But you know where you are with tiny, wooden people, even if their faces are lopsided and painted on the wrong side of their heads. Some of them have two faces, actually”, Hostage said. “Especially the small woman I put in our bedroom. I hewed that one from dogwood.”
Opposite, Hostage carved a sad man in a shed, holding binoculars made from tootpaste caps. And on his tiny face he placed miniscule tears, which he’d painstakingly wittled from real ones.The bite marks in the head tell their own story.
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Leon Brittan retraces his steps hunting for the missing dossier “I’m sure I walked down this road.”
Having almost run out of idiots willing to chair the government’s child abuse inquiry, Theresa May has called in a favour from a semi-retired politician; all-time Spitting Image favourite Leon Brittan, who agreed to take on the role.
“Everybody else we’d asked knew Leon to some extent.” mumbled the gaffe-prone Home Secretary, through the red shoes stuck in her mouth,
Brittan never liked this Spitting Image puppet
“So I’ve cut out the middle-women and gone to the one man who probably knows what happened to the dossier he was given when he had this job”.
“We do know the papers were shredded, moulded into a papier-mache dunce’s hat and then fed to a herd of Longhorn Highland Cattle. But after that the trail went strangely cold”.
“We’ve not given up hope of finding it though” added Mrs May “if we can just trawl through enough old bull-shit.”
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Lollies don’t work with zombies
“They were very pale, with a fixed smile and vacant stare” said shopkeeper Julie Kettle. “I suspect they were zombies, or from Norwich.”
“I tried to get rid of them with a handful of lollies but they insisted they wanted my soul. In desperation I stabbed the younger one with scissors, but even then they left a pamphlet and said they would be back next week.”
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“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”
Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.
Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.
“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Drugs, Law and Order, News
X-X rated: no-one with a Y chromosome has so far read her message.
Dowdy working gal Harriet Harman stepped out today in a frumpy grey t-shirt…but still wanted men would take notice of her.
Wearing a baggy unisex top, perhaps borrowed from her husband or hurriedly retrieved from the laundry basket, frump-bencher Harman raised fears she may have gone frigid, or given up on herself.
Fashion expert Pippa Delaney fears the politician wasn’t wearing a bra, or at least not one that made the most of her assets.
Yet while blatantly wearing a shapeless sack that forlornly displayed last season’s font, the ageing Harman still expected David Cameron to stare at her tits.
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Actually, yes. It is all about me. It always is.
Robbie Williams tried to distract his wife Ayda from her recent labour pains, with a spirited rendition of his hit song ‘Candy’ whilst she was in the maternity suite. “It was difficult to tell if it was working, because she usually whimpers when I’m performing.” said Williams.
The celebrity couple’s second child made a much-delayed appearance at Dunstable Royal Infirmary maternity unit as nurse Ærndís Vigfusson explained. “We’d already seen the baby’s head. But when Mr Williams started prancing about, the wee mite crawled back up the birth canal.
We had to coax him back out with some jelly tots and an exclusive contract with ‘Hello’ magazine.” Continue reading
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Children spend a useful hour learning how to put on jumpers.
A school in Harold is letting parents take holidays in term time, but only if their offspring aren’t ‘promising’.
Head mistress of St. Mary’s primary school Alison Lee explained that her dimmest pupils can leave any time they like, but urged parents to ‘try at least’ to clash with OFSTED inspections.
“A lot of the brighter parents come to me and say that a holiday in some far-away paradise can be educational for their children”, said Lee. “But when they come back, their maths tends not to have improved in the slightest.”
“But when the Evans’ took their pair of mouth-breathers to a caravan in Rhyll in September, our SATS predictions climbed by 7%. It was an astonishing result; on average, even their two brainless dolts have benefited. As I told Mr Evans, I knew they’d have better luck educating them.”
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This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.
People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.
Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.
“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”
An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.
“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
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Fans say the flavour is the perfect accompaniment to drool.
Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.
Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.
“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”
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Filed under Advertisments, Around Harold, Food, Health
Customers also unsure whether to keep them in the fridge
A Farmer in Harold is under fire after claims his free-range eggs were actually ’round things he found in a field’.
PC Flegg confirmed she’d received a number of calls from disgruntled locals, mainly from the payphone in Dunstable A&E.
“It seems that rather than selling ova from happy hens, farmer David Evans has been boxing up small rocks, clumps of soil and the occasional dog’s egg”, explained Flegg.
“Aside from the obvious questions about hygiene and trading standards, my breakast was ruined by dipping my soldiers in an old doll’s head.”
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“I’d give it five minutes. Make that ten”
Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.
This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News, Uncategorized
Colleagues of Harold Council worker Neville Brand are still reeling after he collected his 50 million pound cheque and vowed ‘the win won’t change me’.
Mr Brand, 65, is the unofficial Harold Council social club secretary, keeper of the stationary cupboard keys, and a keen sharer of tennis updates in the staff tearoom, and he said he didn’t want to let his colleagues down by quitting. “The only way I’ll leave the council is in a box” said Mr Brand on nationwide TV.
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Even the local wildlife is included. Look at that naked show-off flaunting itself.
There is a sense of quiet triumph in Harold this afternoon as villagers hail the success of their new solution to the growing problem of hacking.
“Every day some anonymous sod behind a keyboard somewhere says that they’ve hacked people’s phones or clouds and will now distribute the photos of their victims that show the most flesh,” Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson explained. “So rather than waste time worrying about it we on the parish council worked out that if everyone took a naked selfie and everyone saw it then getting hacked wouldn’t be a worry and we can all get on with our lives.” Continue reading
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Dead husband turned out to be a raisin.
A spider from Harold has been convicted of fraud, after claiming a single person’s council tax discount and a widow’s pension.
Few would have thrown the ‘false widow’ spider a second glance in the village, except arachnophobes who might have instead thrown a shoe. But beneath her hideous exterior lay a hideouser secret, and it wasn’t an incey-wincey one.
“Ms Borisina has claimed over £15,000 in benefits, since claiming she ate her husband after mating with him in 2007”, explained PC Flegg.
“But we now know he’s very much alive, having smuggled himself abroad inside the door mirror of a Polish-registered Skoda Fabia.”
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Wives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
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Cheering music fans this morning
The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.
The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.
The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.
“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.” Continue reading
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PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.
Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.
The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.
PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.
Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
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Filed under Around Harold, Pagans, Religion, Vikings
Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.
A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.
Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.
“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
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