U2 album removal tool wins Mercury prize for contribution to music


Cheering music fans this morning

The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.

The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.

The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.

“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.”


The Sweetest Thing

Apple chief Tim Cook spoke of his delight at the removal tool’s reception: “We have a long-standing reputation for quality and perfection of the user experience,” he said in a statement. “And removal of this frankly terrible album fits the bill perfectly. We’re very proud.”

U2 themselves are reported to be ‘disappointed’ that the tool to remove their album has quickly become the most popular website of all time, but are reported to be far from giving up in their quest to inflict themselves upon the innocent. Bono’s band have already started a 12-month UK tour in which they will break into people’s houses and start playing their music in the front room without being asked.

Pensioner Albert Truss from the village of Harold is the latest victim – he came home from the Squirrel Lickers’ Arms last night to find the band in the middle of a soundcheck behind his sofa.

“I know it’s free, and I should be grateful,” he confided, “But.. they’re just not very good, are they?”

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