You’ve let yourselves down but worse you’ve let him down
U2 frontman Bono has filmed an apology for the gift many iTunes users found to be their most unwelcome since chlamydia when all 500 million of them were given U2’s new album.
“I’m sorry people can’t appreciate my genius and the remarkable gift I gave unto them,” he said before raising his right hand and clicking his fingers. “Every time I do this a child in Africa says ‘why is this shite in my iTunes library’ and deletes Songs of Innocence. It’s probably something to do with their ears and such. Together, we can use your money to help these kids to grow and fully grasp the wonder of me.” Continue reading
Cheering music fans this morning
The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.
The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.
The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.
“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.” Continue reading
Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?
The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.
“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.” Continue reading