Global despair as U2 album added to everyone’s iTunes music library

Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?

The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.

“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.”

Villager Sean Pavey explained what led to him calling the Samaritans last night:

“Things have been rough lately, you know? Then I read that smug blurb about the album where Bono compares his plodding dad-rock shitfest with the Ramones and The Clash and I just couldn’t take it any more. Had the woman on the end of the line not listened to my woe I don’t think I’d be here now.”

“U2 say this is a gift for all of us,” said Pavey. “If they really want to give us all a present how about they stop being so far up the arse of a sweatshop owning, slave wage paying ubercorporation that they could clean the back of its teeth and, while they’re at it, pay some fucking tax.”