Workmates devastated as man says lottery win won’t change him

Colleagues of Harold Council worker Neville Brand are still reeling after he collected his 50 million pound cheque and vowed ‘the win won’t change me’.

Mr Brand, 65, is the unofficial Harold Council social club secretary, keeper of the stationary cupboard keys, and a keen sharer of tennis updates in the staff tearoom, and he said he didn’t want to let his colleagues down by quitting. “The only way I’ll leave the council is in a box” said Mr Brand on nationwide TV.

‘Jason’, who was reluctant to give his real name, said when news of the huge win filtered through, most of the staff went to the pub to celebrate what they thought was Brand’s imminent departure.

“We were laughing and joking, and drinking and drinking. Someone mentioned that if we hadn’t pulled out of Neville’s lottery syndicate last week, we would have had 2 million euro each but that only dampened the mood for a moment as we reminded ourselves that Neville was leaving. Later we saw him on TV and everyone sat in stunned silence when it became clear he was staying” said ‘Jason’, whose real name is Richard.

Another colleague, ‘Jazz’, said the thought of Mr Brand organising the office Xmas party was giving her wind.

“He has organised the Xmas party for what seems like eternity or possibly longer, and each year it is at a restaurant that is indistinguishable from a rest home. Neville doesn’t even have the decency to make inappropriate remarks and get a hard-on when people sit on his lap for Secret Santa” said ‘Jazz’.

“Compare that to my sister’s office party – last year there were 4 affairs (with one pregnancy), 3 punch-ups, an expired condom as a Secret Santa present, a sexual harassment allegation that was vegetable-based, and a murder.”

‘Timmy’, from ‘accounts’, said Mr Brand’s policy of only letting people have a new blue pen after their red and green ones had run out was annoying, but it was tennis anecdotes that led to him putting the Samaritans’ number on speed-dial.

“Each Monday and Thursday morning, we hear about Neville’s tennis match the previous day. It’s not so much that the point by point description is slower than real-time, but that it is always followed by an update on how his hip flared up and the subsequent physio visit” said ‘Timmy’.

“Last April ‘big Steve’ ran the London Marathon to raise money for a new hip for Neville. Everyone pitched in and over £20,000 was raised. But Neville just thought it was a joke and refused to take the money. In the end ‘Steve’ just had to give the money away to skinny kids in Africa who as far as I know had perfectly good hips.”