by | September 19, 2014 · 5:26 am

‘See? I told you we’d keep the pound’ brays Salmond

'Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.'

‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’

Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.

“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”

In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.

What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2014, Independence referendum, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | September 18, 2014 · 11:00 am

Purpose of Ukraine aid convoy finally revealed: Putin sends Gerard Depardieu to disputed border

Depardieu claimed he drinks 'up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day'

Depardieu claimed he drinks ‘up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day’

Russia’s largest transport aircraft has been extensively refitted, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Ukraine frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe’s carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.

“As soon as I heard about Ukraine, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable”, said the actor. “Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. That’s when I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane.”

The logistics were difficult and involved several attempts at in-flight re-patéing. “The Russian airforce does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane”, explained Depardieu.

The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a ‘heart throb’ in his ex-native France, a diagnosis that was confirmed by his team of cardiac surgeons.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Purpose of Ukraine aid convoy finally revealed: Putin sends Gerard Depardieu to disputed border

Filed under News, Transport

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Scotland decides: twenty-four hours until Connery is king?

large_time_bandits_blu-ray4x

The man who would be king (caution: potential monarchs may be up to thirty-three years older than pictured).

Today Scotland goes to the polls to decide whether or not to go it alone or to give its loveless union with England another 300 hundred years for the sake of Wales and Northern Ireland. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2014, Independence referendum, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | September 17, 2014 · 2:00 pm

“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Health, News, science

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Astonishing! Queen tells Scots where to stuff Balmoral in accidentally released tirade

QueenThe Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.

In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.

“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”

After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading →

6 Comments

Filed under Independence referendum, News, Royals

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | September 16, 2014 · 11:00 am

U2 album removal tool wins Mercury prize for contribution to music

cheering_fans

Cheering music fans this morning

The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.

The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.

The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.

“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on U2 album removal tool wins Mercury prize for contribution to music

Filed under Around Harold, music

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Westminster leaders pledge to sell England to pay for Scottish utopia

westfinger

You can count the argument on one finger.

David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.

While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.

“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”

Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”

Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Election 2014, Independence referendum, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | September 15, 2014 · 4:18 pm

Minutes after acquiring Minecraft, Microsoft release their first ‘paper clip mod’.

IMG_2909.JPG
Following their takeover of the computer games firm Mojang, the makers of the popular game Minecraft, Microsoft have quickly started with the branding of the game by releasing their first mod, a helpful paper clip.

“We realised as soon as we took control of Minecraft that the help section was missing a little something,” Satya Nadella, the tech giant’s chief executive said.

“So we have brought back everyone favourite little unwanted helper from the 90s. It will use it’s old slap-dash approach to figure out what you might be doing and then offer you help with something completely different. It will keep the game interesting if anything.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Minutes after acquiring Minecraft, Microsoft release their first ‘paper clip mod’.

Filed under Culture

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Voters should “think very carefully” says woman who’s never had to

31947478576275534cb9Pvwzic

“I don’t care what you do. Just keep paying for me and mine.”

In a historical first for the House of Windsor the Queen has advocated the use of intellect. Yesterday she was asked for her opinion on the independence referendum and replied: “Well, I hope people will think very carefully about the future.” She then added “but as long as Bake Off gets another series One really doesn’t give one about anything else.” Continue reading →

4 Comments

Filed under Independence referendum, Politics, Royals

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 14, 2014 · 7:45 am

Daily Mail continues to wage its terror campaign against Britain

Paul-Dacre-GQ_10Jun13_rex_b_642x390

Wide-eyed and dangerous: the Daily Mail’s leader is a fanatic known only as Paul Dacre

Vicious tabloid the Daily Mail continues to wage war against us all with its tawdry and sensational coverage of world events. Today it has chosen to show pictures of the last moments of David Haines’ life before he was murdered by Isis. Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under News

Tagged as ,

by | September 13, 2014 · 12:27 pm

Whisky producers warn prices may go up in England after ‘no’ vote: “We can be petulant, too”

IMG_2903.JPG
Many whisky companies have shown that ‘two can play at that game’, and warned that if Scotland remained part of the UK they may be forced to put their prices up for customers south of the border.

So far many companies have said Scots face price hikes if they gain independence however the distilleries have said a ‘no’ vote would force them to show they could ‘act like petulant twats as well’.

Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Independence referendum

Tagged as , , ,

by | September 12, 2014 · 12:36 pm

Oscar Pistorius makes ‘huge strides’ in bringing equality to monstrous crimes

pistorius

Even realistic woman-shaped crutches failed to sway the jury.

Oscar Pistorius has been hailed by the Equalities Commission for smashing the last taboo for disabled people.

After sort-of-standing trial for a crime typically associated with the able bodied, Pistorius has shown the world that the disadvantaged are just as capable of evil as the next man.

“This is a huge step forward in recognising that having a disability doesn’t exclude anyone for acting like a prick”, said commissioner Margaret Long. “You don’t have to have a full complement of limbs to shoot down a loved one in cold blood, and being differently abled no longer means cynically playing the victim card will definitely get you off. It may reduce the charge, but it won’t get you off.”

Before Pistorius stepped up to the mark and pretended to shoot a burglar, homicide had been considered by many to be the preserve of ‘normal’ people. “But the physically disabled can be mentals too, you don’t need toes to fire a gun”, revealed Long.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Oscar Pistorius makes ‘huge strides’ in bringing equality to monstrous crimes

Filed under Crime, Society

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

EC gives AA energy rating to beards

darwin

EC scientists claim Darwin was ‘carbon neutral’.

Facial hair could soon become compulsory, after Brussels tested a range of beards for energy efficiency.

Experts measured thermal insulation, wet performance and harmful emissions from a selection of chin enhancements, using a delapidated woman as a control.

“That was due to a translation error, but we stand by our results”, said depilatory scientist André Rhesus. “Even a frigid climate sceptic would recognise I’m much hotter with this stubble.”

While a Fu Manchu and a lip-clump only managed a ‘B’ rating, double-A was achieved by a full-on Brian Blessed.
Continue reading →

4 Comments

Filed under environment, Fashion, science, Technology

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 11, 2014 · 10:07 am

Judge in Pistorius trial eyes up Dermot O’Leary’s ‘result delivery length’ record

IMG_2896.JPG
Judge Masipa, the Judge delivering her verdict in the Oscar Pistorius murder trail has stated she may take two days to sum up the case and deliver the verdict, beating the current result delivery record held by The X-Factor’s Dermot O’Leary.

O’Leary has become well-known for dragging a result out for as long as possible for effect, often carrying it over two highly lucrative advertising breaks.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Judge in Pistorius trial eyes up Dermot O’Leary’s ‘result delivery length’ record

Filed under Crime, International News, News

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Nobel Peace Prize winner announces plans to bomb Syria and Iraq

090114-barack-obama-600

He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…

In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under International News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 10, 2014 · 6:00 am

Global despair as U2 album added to everyone’s iTunes music library

contract_5edb2e4c-6204-1639-76c5-602142c27afe

Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?

The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.

“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.” Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | September 9, 2014 · 10:20 pm

iPhone 6 introduces convenient way to pay for iPhone 7

iphone

iPhone 6 will feature pre-shattered screen, so owners can boast of being first to break one.

Apple has announced that the new iPhone 6 will make electronic purchases easier, so owners can splash out on must-have gadgets such as the forthcoming iPhone 7.

“When we were designing the iPhone 6, we asked ourselves ‘what do our customers really want?'” revealed CEO Tim Cook. “We quickly realised that what they desire most in the world is the future iPhone 7.”

The newish iPhone 6, available in lamb and bacon flavours, is compatible with most of the tills in Apple’s stores. Pundits predict that should help boost sales when the iPhone 7 is released in October.
Continue reading →

3 Comments

Filed under Business, Technology

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 3:00 pm

Dumfries twinned with Calais as border security increased in case of Yes vote

DumContingency plans are well advanced on both sides of the border in readiness to respond to the inevitable rush of economic migrants from Scotland in the event of a “Yes” vote for independence.

With Gordon Brown’s initiative to save the Union doomed by definition of it being a Gordon Brown initiative, the Coalition Government is treating the possible invasion of hordes of insurgent Scots, once reality kicks in and they realise they have nothing to live on other than pride, porridge and potatoes, as a real threat to the Disunited Kingdom.

Realising that his, as yet unveiled, programme of ethnic cleansing may frighten off second generation Scots, Alex Salmond is said to be keen to maintain border security. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Dumfries twinned with Calais as border security increased in case of Yes vote

Filed under Election 2014, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | · 11:07 am

‘Super moon’ damages church roof

mooon

PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.

Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.

The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.

PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.

Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Super moon’ damages church roof

Filed under Around Harold, Pagans, Religion, Vikings

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Proton Therapy Centre optimistic Ashya’s family’s finances ‘sufficiently robust to withstand treatment’

No, not your vital signs, it's your stock market performance

No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance

Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.

The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.

Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Health, Media, Medicine, News

Tagged as , , , ,