We’ve never felt this strongly about anything
Cyberspace’s neediest puppy, Internet Explorer, is being killed off by Microsoft. Having lurked on desktops since 1995 begging the unwary to make it their default browser at the slightest, briefest click of attention, it will now join Netscape Navigator and All Your Base Are Belong To Us in the great internet file simply titled ‘meh – forgotten’. Continue reading
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At last!
Microsoft has announced that its new Windows 10 operating system will come with a free hand job for every user, in an attempt to increase popular uptake.
Windows 8, which suffered from a confusing touch-screen interface and no hand job, has only reached a 10% market share, leaving Microsoft shareholders disappointed and consumers squirming in agonies of sexual frustration.
Analysts are predicting that the new version of Windows could take off in a big way, reversing a decline going back to the catastrophic decision to package every copy of Windows Vista with a free kick in the goolies.
“Microsoft has listened to what its customers want,” explained industry expert and keen self-abuser Florian Munter. “What they want is a familiar interface, with solid performance. And a hand job.” Continue reading
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Filed under Sex, Technology
Following their takeover of the computer games firm Mojang, the makers of the popular game Minecraft, Microsoft have quickly started with the branding of the game by releasing their first mod, a helpful paper clip.
“We realised as soon as we took control of Minecraft that the help section was missing a little something,” Satya Nadella, the tech giant’s chief executive said.
“So we have brought back everyone favourite little unwanted helper from the 90s. It will use it’s old slap-dash approach to figure out what you might be doing and then offer you help with something completely different. It will keep the game interesting if anything.”
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Microsoft researchers have designed a “smart bra” which is so advanced that it can actually be removed by male video game enthusiasts and sport fans.
The prototype is made from patent graphene “NoStick” fabric and has a rear clasp based on the new XBox controller for added thumb gripability.
The aim was to find out if wearable technology could reduce the average time taken for men to unhook and remove ladies’ underwear from ‘forever’ to something more in keeping with today’s busy lifestyles.
Testing in real-life scenarios with specially fitted crash test shop window dummies has proved encouraging, with several male volunteers managing to remove the bras from at least one shoulder inside three weeks. Progress has been slowed by the unexpected tendency for the dummies to eventually grow disheartened with the whole experience, feign headaches and form attachments to each other.
As expected by today’s consumers, the smart bra contains a host of other high-tech wizardry. A discreet LCD display slides out of the underwired front panels when the masculine removal attempt begins, allowing the female wearer to while away the time watching episodes of Downton Abbey as the male fumbles behind her. Road tests of this feature were inconclusive however, with experts predicting that a fifth series may be required before complete removal.
Kevin Planck, chief programmer on the team, spoke to journalists of his excitement over the cutting edge underwear: “It’s amazing! The bra has an embedded electrocardiogram as well as a gyroscope and accelerometer, this thing could put a man on the moon!” Before adding wistfully: “It’s just such a shame that I’m unlikely to ever see one for real.”
Less fun than a Spectrum 48k
Following its disastrous launch earlier in the year when fans were up in arms over the fact that the new Xbox would have to be always connected to the Internet, then the further revelation that it was not designed to support vertical orientation, Microsoft have finally admitted that their newest toy won’t actually play games either.
“We worked hard to give our customers the best experience with this next generation console,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dale Tice. “But at the end of the day the technology just isn’t in place for us deliver and so with a heavy heart we’re taking the gaming component out of the Xbox One.” Continue reading
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Why not save yourself some money and simply wear a badge with ‘I’m an arse’ printed on it?
At a glitzy press conference held at their campus in Cupertino, California the CEO of Apple Tim Cook took to the stage to announce that Apple’s forthcoming smartwatch will be called the iTwatBangle.
“We’ve looked at our existing products, analysed the market and we’ve created something that people are going to fall in love with,” Cook told reporters.
“The key to the iTwatBangle’s appeal is its simplicity. You’ll meet someone wearing one and with just a single glance get all the information you need to know that that person is a twat.” Continue reading
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C’est Fin.
Following its acquisition of Nokia phones, Microsoft has surprised cartographers by withdrawing all support for Finland.
Famed for its ability to absorb popular things and then fundamentally ruin them, Microsoft has already gained valuable experience in making phones virtually unusable with its Windows 8 operating system.
But while the corporate giant has been happy with only wrecking trivial things such as Skype, video games and social media, it now feels the time is right to bugger up a whole country.
Nokia’s vice-president Stephen Elop moved to the company from Microsoft in 2010, but disappointed the software giant by making their phones slightly better. Unwilling to risk another resurgence of the once-great mobile manufacturer, Microsoft is taking immediate steps to remove all traces of Finland.
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