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At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.
“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”
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Filed under breaking news, Royals
The Internet has been reacting angrily following the BBC’s “ridiculous decision” not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s contract after he beat up a producer.
The BBC made the decision that verbally abusing someone followed by a physical assault that sent them to A&E crossed the line, a decision that was “PC gone mad” according to the Internet.
“If you can’t punch a colleague when you are hungry, then what can you do?” one Daily Mail commenter said but with many more spelling mistakes.
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Filed under Entertainment, Lifestyle, News
The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.
There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading
Circle Finger, 3 rounds, contact wins contract.
With heavyweight Clarkson no longer a contender, James ‘Ironing’ May and Richard ‘Anklebiter’ Hammond are hoping to follow in his footsteps and get sacked by the BBC.
In a pay-per-view fight exclusive to Sky, the two featherwits will attempt to punch their way out of their contracts.
“May doesn’t scare me”, said Hammond. “Except when he stands up, looks disapprovingly at me, moves suddenly, wears a bright shirt or mentions me on Twitter.”
With a double knockout seen by many as the only way of getting out of a world Top Gear tour, both gladiators have been practising moving their arms.
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Filed under Entertainment, Motoring
A local from Harold is hoping to emulate the success of Richard III’s bone tour, using the remains of his once-missing gran.
Phil Evans, a farmer from a long line of dead people, claims to have discovered the remains of Evie Evans in a shallow grave behind his silage tanks.
“She’s all there”, revealed Evans. “And in surprisingly good condition, considering she must have buried herself after stamping on her own head around 2 years ago.”
Alive Evans and Deceased Evans have already begun their tour, on the top deck of the Number 63 bus. Using a ceremonial bus pass once thought to have belonged to the thin one, the couple were commented on all the way to Dunstable and back.
PC Flegg admitted she wasn’t sure if the tour was illegal, although she’s asked Phil Evans to stop claiming Evie’s state pension.
“A large IC1 male and a really skinny girl one were questioned by officers, but released after no sense could be made”, explained Flegg.
“We would encourage the public to refrain from making public transport smell any worse than normal, but on the positive side, that’s another missing person I can take off our records.”
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Filed under Around Harold
I’ll be off then…
Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision after studying opinion polls and talking to people.
Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.
“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015
Nigel Farage has been secretly filmed begging the EDL to protest his lunch next Sunday by chasing him out of the pub.
“I’ve done nothing wrong,” he told us. “I was going to be seen sitting down with the EDL over a pint and getting them to drop the protest which would prove I can listen to opposing points of view and mediate. As long as those points of view come from white English men of course. Let’s not get carried away here.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Campaign ‘left bad taste in the mouth’
A tea shop in Harold has been vilified on Twitter, after a racial equality promotion descended into farce.
Mick Clarkson, owner of the ‘Brew-ha-ha Tearoom’, claims he was trying to create a utopia when he gave his staff some permanent markers.
Unfortunately, police were called and two Moldavian workers arrested, after racist slogans were spotted on customer’s cups.
“We are not racist, we like at least one person from other side of village”, claimed Nikolai Spitz. “And we do not hate everyone else as has been suggested.”
The row erupted after Ron Ronsson was served a latté with the phrase ‘Some Kosabians wipe properly’ written roughly where his lips would have been.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business
Prince Harry’s choice of kit didn’t go down well
Sadly England lost the inaugural game, going down to a 134-0 defeat amid some questionable tactical decisions.
Leading the England forward attack were Prince William and Hugh Grant, two players considered to be the embodiment of Englishness.
Sadly the game was lost when these two giants in the game started talking in German from the first whistle
The team’s manager, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t hide her frustration from the touchline and was heard to shout to her players “was machst du?”
Speaking at her post match press conference, QE2 told reporters: “By speaking German they lost us the game. Obviously the rules state you need to speak perfect English, with more points awarded the more plums you have in your mouth.
“But speaking another language isn’t in the rules of being English. We tried to win the game back by having Steve McClaren come on and start speaking to foreigners in English but with a bad foreign accent and a slightly raised voice, but the game was already lost.”
England’s chances had already taken a blow before the match had even started. Typical English Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was due to be playing the vital midfield dynamo role but sent his Swiss nanny on instead.
The support from the fans was also disappointing from an English point of view. Known for following the England football team in a traditional brassy way, the England Supporters Band turned up to get behind the team. Although confusion set in when they substituted ‘The Great Escape’ for the French national anthem played on vuvuzelas.
A last minute attempt to win the game came as everyone on the England team indulged in a round of binge drinking, throwing up, and fighting each other for no apparent reason, but sadly this all came after the final whistle and outside the stadium.
Unfortunately, things don’t look good for the future of England in the new sport of being English. Losing this inaugural game so emphatically can only be a bad omen seeing as they didn’t yet have an opponent.
Andy heads off for a two dozen ’99’ Ice Cream cones, with extra grit
Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.
“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”
Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.
“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”
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Filed under environment, floods, idiots, News, Weather
Harold resident and owner of the village’s trendiest establishment with ‘Veggie!’ in its name, Pippa Delaney, has spoken exclusively to the Evening Harold about a nightmare she had on Friday morning during a brief nap at 9:30am where she dreamt she was voting Conservative.
Although the nightmare was purely in Pippa’s head, the lover of all things organic swimming in manure says the experience is one she will never forget, and hopes it is a once in a lifetime event.
“The dream was so vivid I remember it like it was real,” Pippa told us. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
And cue human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria
Local priest, Rev Tansy Forster, has warned villagers that today’s solar eclipse is a sign that God just can’t be having with straight marriage.
“It’s abhorrent,” Rev Forster told us. “Look at the world: think of the stress and the debt fuelled by heterosexual couplings. And, worse, think of all the terrible pop songs. Today’s eclipse and the fact that it coincides with the Super Moon and Spring Equinox is a clear sign from the Almighty that these are the end times.” Continue reading
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Filed under science
No smiles from Brian after he learns of his temporary eclipse
Keen skywatchers and other lonely men have been warned not to watch tomorrow’s total eclipse with the naked eye.
The largest glowing orb in the firmament will be temporarily out of sight, as Dara O’Briain passes briefly in front of the cameras focused on Professor Cox’s shiny visage.
John Harris, producer of BBC’s Stargazing explained the moon-faced comic’s relationship with Britain’s smiley-est man “Dara’s been running around Brian since our first series. Having only a scraped ‘pass’ in theoretical physics, he is held in orbit by the gravitational pull of Cox’s many doctorates.”
With a finite amount of cameras, it’s almost inevitable that O’Briain’s studio directions will occasionally take him in front of the pre-eminent star in the galaxy. This will happen again tomorrow but there are dangers for the unwary says Harris.
“Anyone tempted to stare directly at Professor Cox, even in eclipse, must only do so through something really opaque. Super-strong sunglasses, welding goggles or Ed Ball’s plans for the economy.”
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Filed under Intergalactic News, Media, News, science
Prince Harry demonstrates ‘the royal wave’.
Prince Harry has revealed he will be offering hand relief to the homeless, as he quests to fill a hole left by his exit from the army.
‘Happy Ending’ is a charity that’s particularly close to his heart, and was started by his mother when she first met Will Carling.
“For some vagrants, the thought of a warm hand on their ‘little tramp’ is too much to hope for”, explained Harry. “Particularly in the winter, or with fingerless gloves.”
Harry admitted that he isn’t the most academic member of the royal family, but insisted he was still capable of joylessly bringing relief to ‘literally five or six’ hobos a day.
“I’m in a privileged position, I have plenty of masturbatiers ‘on hand’ day or night”, revealed Harry. “But rough sleepers don’t even have a simple butler to fall back on.”
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We’ve never felt this strongly about anything
Cyberspace’s neediest puppy, Internet Explorer, is being killed off by Microsoft. Having lurked on desktops since 1995 begging the unwary to make it their default browser at the slightest, briefest click of attention, it will now join Netscape Navigator and All Your Base Are Belong To Us in the great internet file simply titled ‘meh – forgotten’. Continue reading
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Filed under Technology
So long and thanks for the drinks
Kensington Palace has confirmed Prince Harry will be leaving the Royal Family at the end of June.
A spokesman was keen to stress that the red headed action man was not being thrown out of the Family, saying, “It’s not so much he’s being kicked out of the Royal Family; more, he was never a member of the Family in the first place.”
Palace insiders admitted things had come to a head recently with the lack of any family resemblance becoming increasingly obvious as Prince William’s hair has decided to recede faster than a Sandringham hare at the sight of a royal gun. Continue reading
Some oafs believe the world rotates around Clarkson.
Students at Harold’s Shining Future Academy will be allowed to miss lessons on Friday morning, so they can experience 35 minutes with a reduced view of Clarkson.
But teachers have warned that staring directly at Clarkson can cause a loss of perspective, and they worry about the effect he might have on pupils.
The Clarkson Eclipse is expected to start during the 8.00am news bulletins, but there’s a slim chance someone might not see it.
“It could be clouded out by more important news”, revealed headmaster Clive Morris, “such as the outbreak of nuclear war, an alien invasion, or…well, nothing else really. It’s such a big deal, if the hype is to be believed.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Religion, Showbusiness
Branson promised the train would soon be pulling out of the station.
A Virgin train from Manchester to Euston was cancelled today, after the toilet in one of the carriages was found to be bearable.
The rail operator apologised to passengers but insisted that it was ‘more than their franchise was worth’ to attempt the journey without a foul-smelling pan trout.
“Our staff are trained to inspect the toilets on a regular basis, and deal quickly with anything that looks remotely hygenic”, said PR director Gordon Keeble.
“Unfortunately this train has been the scene of some vigorous flushing, and on this occasion, none of our staff were fully ‘up to the job’.”
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Filed under Transport
Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps has used his Alter ego Michael Green to deny being Grant Shapps.
Speaking outside the party’s HQ he said: “I know I look like Grant Shapps, and I sound like Grant Shapps but I think it’s important that I separate my lying, dishonest business persona from my lying, dishonest politician persona in order to keep my integrity. Continue reading
The face of someone who’s been visited by the three ghosts but didn’t get the Christmas morning redemption
Stranger to reality and best friend to human rights abusing dictators the world over, Tony Blair, is to step back from his role as Peace Envoy in the Middle East. Citizens of Palestine and Israel have breathed a sigh of relief and spoken of a renewed belief in the process now it won’t be held back by the presence of a man who in the course of his political career has done as much for peace as Jack the Ripper did for feminism. Continue reading
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Filed under News
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