At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.
“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”
An early Draft of order of service has been seen by the Evening Harold’s Royal Reporter:
Order of Service:
Sir Elton of John, at the pianoforte: A single light a single rose [isn’t this from ‘Starry starry night’ Elton?]
“Goodbye Richard Three
Though I never knew you at all
Still went to Interflora
And came back with a haul
Of ‘Wars of Roses’ roses
And other sim’lar tat
Now you’ll be re-buried
And that’s the end of that[chorus]
I would have liked to know you
But you’da killed my kids
Young lives burned out long before
Their candles ever did[continues etc.
Applause: To sweep into the Cathedral from the crowd outside
Eulogy: The 9th Earl Spencer [check script doesn’t blame Windsors for King Richard’s death]
More applause: To sweep into the Cathedral from the crowd outside
Archbishop Justin: Special thanks to the events sponsors ‘White Roses direct’ and then some religious stuff
Massed ranks of morons outside the Cathedral: To wave entirely inappropriate Union flags. Tears optional
Any remaining Richard III dust to be swept up from the inside Cathedral. Then sold on eBay.