Elton John to sing ‘Candle in the wind’ at Richard III’s funeral

At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.

“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”

An early Draft of order of service has been seen by the Evening Harold’s Royal Reporter:

Draft 2

Order of Service:

Sir Elton of John, at the pianoforte: A single light a single rose [isn’t this from ‘Starry starry night’ Elton?]

“Goodbye Richard Three

Though I never knew you at all

Still went to Interflora

And came back with a haul

Of ‘Wars of Roses’ roses

And other sim’lar tat

Now you’ll be re-buried

And that’s the end of that

[chorus]

I would have liked to know you

But you’da killed my kids

Young lives burned out long before

Their candles ever did

[continues etc.

Applause: To sweep into the Cathedral from the crowd outside

Eulogy: The 9th Earl Spencer [check script doesn’t blame Windsors for King Richard’s death]

More applause: To sweep into the Cathedral from the crowd outside

Archbishop Justin: Special thanks to the events sponsors ‘White Roses direct’ and then some religious stuff

Massed ranks of morons outside the Cathedral: To wave entirely inappropriate Union flags. Tears optional

Exeunt

Any remaining Richard III dust to be swept up from the inside Cathedral. Then sold on eBay.

How’s this?

Justin