Category Archives: science

Advertising Feature

For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.

Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.

Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.

Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.

Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.

No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.

Stop!

Stop!

Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.

No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized

Owl filmed in custard for first time

custard owl

Rare to see an owl in custard in daylight.

A natural historian in Harold has managed to obtain footage of an owl, deeply immersed in custard.

Until now, every other aspect of the owl’s tedious life has been filmed extensively. But this is the first time one has been shown in a dairy-based, vanilla-enhanced fluid.

Ben Evans, 57 and still living with his parents, captured the moment shortly after returning from the shops.

“It’s Bird’s custard, obviously”, quipped Evans. “And the owl is a medium one. I think it eats mice or something, using that sharp bit on the front.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, science

Scientists create ‘Enigma II’ – powerful enough to decipher greeting card price codes

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Scientists working at CERN say they have made a breakthrough that will have an affect on all our lives.

“We have finally developed a computer so powerful it can decide greeting card prices codes” the scientist leading the research explained.

“For many years looking for the price of a card in Clintons became a game of roulette with customers gambling on what number the till would land on when the cashier scanned it.

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Filed under Christmas, science

“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, science

EC gives AA energy rating to beards

darwin

EC scientists claim Darwin was ‘carbon neutral’.

Facial hair could soon become compulsory, after Brussels tested a range of beards for energy efficiency.

Experts measured thermal insulation, wet performance and harmful emissions from a selection of chin enhancements, using a delapidated woman as a control.

“That was due to a translation error, but we stand by our results”, said depilatory scientist André Rhesus. “Even a frigid climate sceptic would recognise I’m much hotter with this stubble.”

While a Fu Manchu and a lip-clump only managed a ‘B’ rating, double-A was achieved by a full-on Brian Blessed.
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Filed under environment, Fashion, science, Technology

Thatcher rises from grave to help save Union

Ironically, it's the only Union she didn't try to break.

Ironically, it’s the only union she didn’t try to break.

In a dramatic (and slightly gruesome) turn of events, former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has risen from the dead to wade into the battle to save the Union.

As polls show the pro-independence campaign taking the lead for the first time, Tory chiefs have made the momentous decision to deploy their ultimate weapon: the Thatchernator.

Using the dark arts of necromancy and voodoo, which many of the upper House are experienced practitioners of, Better Together leaders claim they had ‘no choice’ but to reanimate their dead leader.

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Filed under DNA, Election 2014, science, skeleton

Make up counter girl to Clown is natural evolution

test card

A make-up girl experiments with genetic modification.

After a 50 year quest, scientists have finally unravelled the bizarre origins of Clowns.

Love them or fear them, with their bright red noses and funny fall down trousers, Clowns are woven into our society. Since the first recorded sighting of a Clown in 1954 they have multiplied exponentially in number, and can be found everywhere from children’s parties, to younger children’s parties.

Geneticists studying Clowns have confirmed they are one of the strangest abnormalities in the animal kingdom with the first complete analysis of its fully decoded genome.

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Filed under Fashion, science

Ant engineers finally master secret of flight

flying ant

New ant design has experienced a few set-backs.

A team of ants working from a sandpit in Harold claim to have mastered the ability to fly.

Standing next to a prototype stuck to a cough sweet, chief engineer Brian Pharoah unveiled the new ‘flying ant’, before denying that the design may have been used before.

“Of course there are stories about our ancestors soaring into the clouds, and doing battle with those upstart b**tard wasps”, said Pharoah.

“My dad used to say my great, great, great, great grandmother embracing a sort of rudimentary ability to flap, but it’s clearly untrue”, he insisted. “According to my calculations that would make the world over 364 days old.”

Some have even suggested their current queen ‘fell from the sky’, a theory Pharoah dismisses as heresy.
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, science

Pub bans the word ‘So’ from beginning of sentences

so jar

Sewing club has moved to a new venue.

A pub in Harold has banned customers from starting their sentences with the word ‘so’, in a crack-down on pseudo-scientific intellectualism.

On the bar of the Squirrel Lickers Arms a ‘So’ box now stands, replacing the well-rattled swears jar. And it’s already beginning to fill up, according to Eddie the landlord. He explained how he got the idea.

“So I noti…b****cks”, said Eddie, flipping a coin into the container. “I noticed a lot of people in here think they can sound all knowledgeable and reasonable, just by adding the offending word to the beginning of any old shite”, he explained.

“So I took the…oh for f***s sake…(*chink*)…I took the initiative and decided to fine people for their cod GCSE chemistry report cock-whiskery. I won’t have people in here turning the air litmus blue.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, science

New crack in universe traced to Brazil football defeat

fissure

Brazilian net ‘like a black hole’

A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.

“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”

The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.

“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”

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Filed under science, Sport, World Cup

Glasgow tackles health crisis with heroin/fast food fusion cooking

fat junk

If only they could meet in the middle.

Glasgow could tackle its current health crisis by dropping an ‘either/or’ approach to heroin and yellow food that comes from the chip shop.

That’s the claim of a dietician who is trying to find out why so many Glaswegians are morbidly obese, despite the widespread availability of skag.

“I visited the morgue and was quietly poking a fat corpse when someone told me that the city was awash with diacetylmorphine”, said Dr Charlotte Bainbrough.

“At first I thought ‘Does that mean heroin is fattening?’ but then remembered it probably wasn’t. Could the problem be a lack of dietary balance?”
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Filed under Food, Health, science

Local scientist finally develops technology to glue two cats together

catglue

The breakthrough could one day answer the question: ‘why do cats have a back?’

A Harold scientist has been hailed a hero after developing an adhesive that can bond two cats together.

After years of experimenting with dozens of tacky tabbies, Rachel Guest finally made the breakthrough that enabled two felines to be combined into one octo-puss.

Guest explained why the glue had been so difficult to create. “There’s the fur to contend with, and obviously given their claws and teeth,  it’s useful if it’s quick drying”, she explained. “And it needs to be resistant to shear forces, so they don’t come apart when they run through a cat flap.”
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Filed under Around Harold, science

‘Earliest’ man bag suggests neanderthals moisturised

neanderthal

Neanderthal man: hunter gathering no excuse for bad skin.

Just days after the revelation that neanderthals ate salad, archeologists have unearthed an ancient hemp bag full of male vanity products.

The shoulder bag features exquisite stitching on the shoulder strap and a pouch for some tweezers. The team think the items inside were used for daily rituals, and may give clues as to how our ancestors died out.

“These people obviously took male grooming seriously”, said researcher Karl Fronzt. “We found this in an area with a high density of discarded woolen swabs and an earthenware pot full of chlorine.”

“That points to a highly evolved society that wasn’t afraid to suffer for beauty. It’s clear to me that this area was used for anal bleaching.”
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Filed under Health, Nature, science

Japan whale scientists still struggling with difficult ‘fried or boiled’ experiments

Japan's Prime Minister - don't try this at home!

Japan’s Prime Minister – don’t try this at home!

Japan’s marine scientists are preparing to launch a major expedition to capture vast numbers of Pacific whales, in yet another attempt to answer the thorny question of whether Earth’s greatest mammal is better fried or boiled.

Environmentalists have long questioned why Japan needs to catch so many hundreds of whales purely for ‘scientific research’, and why nearly all of the captured whales happen to end up on the nation’s dinner tables. What is not widely understood in the West, however, is the significance of the “fried versus boiled” debate to Japanese science, and its greater importance to scientists’ understanding of the wonders of the natural world’s most magnificent creatures, and how best to eat them. Continue reading

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Filed under Nature, science

13 year-old convinces class mates he’s a real computer

bad robot

Unusually for a super computer, AD-1 runs on biscuits and crisps.

A 13 year-old from Harold has passed the Turing Test, convincing a number of his ‘friends’ that he’s really a computer.

Adrian Evans, or AD-1 has he prefers to be known, has worked tirelessly to adopt traits that only a computer would exhibit.

“BZZT”, said Evans. “IT IS THE LITTLE THINGS THAT…BZZT…CAN GIVE YOU AWAY”. Before adding, “THIS WOMAN’S SKIN LOOKS 10 YEARS YOUNGER, DOCTORS HATE HER.”

Evans’ attention to detail is truly astounding. He refuses to speak to anyone in areas that don’t have a wifi signal, and always leaves a small printed circuit board in the bowl after using the toilet.
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Filed under Around Harold, science, Technology

Atheists urged to stop believing in Richard Dawkins

dawkinsfrog

Dawkins claimed such a situation was statistically improbable.

Atheist parents should stop reading Richard Dawkins to their children, in case they grow up thinking the world isn’t magical.

That’s the advice being given by a leading pagan, who thinks religion is OK as long as it involves drinking, dancing and some really cool tricks.

‘Although Richard is real, there’s a lot about him that’s unbelievable’ said Nigel Pendragon, a self-styled druid and ukulele enthusiast. ‘Most youngsters wouldn’t seriously think that anyone was such a joyless monster.  If you thought church was dull, wait until you bump into Dawkins at a Christmas party. He’ll go on and on about evergreens, Romans and turkeys.’
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Filed under Religion, science

Night-time light linked to obesity is usually ‘the fridge door light’

piewithslicemissing

Might pies give off a gas which makes you fat?

Researchers studying a large group of women for 40 years say data collected shows the risk of obesity increases with over-exposure to any light-at-night, such as the problematic ‘light in the fridge’. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Health, Lifestyle, Medicine, science

Village to become carbon neutral using new ‘testi-scratch energy capture’ technology

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A local scientist has said he has possibly found a way to make Harold the UK’s first carbon-neutral village.

Using patented ‘testi-scratch energy capture’ technology he believes he can harness the energy created by men scratching themselves on the sofa and use it to heat and power homes around Harold.
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Filed under News, science

Statin ‘safe’ judgement welcomed by pie-eating smokers

tablets

Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.

Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.

With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.

But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.

“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Lifestyle, Medicine, science

Man dies after ignoring ‘5 second rule’

food

Ignoring 5 second rule ‘like playing Russian Roulette with biscuits’ warn experts.

Medical experts are calling for greater awareness of the ‘5 second rule’, the safe time limit for eating food after it’s fallen on the floor.

The campaign comes after the death of a man who ate a gravitied Hobnob, that had been on the carpet for over a quarter of a minute.

“Some jokers seem to think these rules don’t apply to them”, said Harold GP Doctor Evans. “Eating floor food after 5 seconds has passed can easily kill you. Or failing that, make you stronger.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Medicine, science