Japan whale scientists still struggling with difficult ‘fried or boiled’ experiments

Japan’s Prime Minister – don’t try this at home!

Japan’s marine scientists are preparing to launch a major expedition to capture vast numbers of Pacific whales, in yet another attempt to answer the thorny question of whether Earth’s greatest mammal is better fried or boiled.

Environmentalists have long questioned why Japan needs to catch so many hundreds of whales purely for ‘scientific research’, and why nearly all of the captured whales happen to end up on the nation’s dinner tables. What is not widely understood in the West, however, is the significance of the “fried versus boiled” debate to Japanese science, and its greater importance to scientists’ understanding of the wonders of the natural world’s most magnificent creatures, and how best to eat them.

“The nature of the research, along with the many subtle varieties of cooking techniques, requires the slaughter of many many thousands of whales to reach a robust scientific conclusion,” explained Fisheries Minister Yoshimasa Hayashi, seen above enjoying a robust scientific meal of Whale Bourgignon. “We are fortunate that the Japanese public are so keep to help us with our research, at great personal inconvenience to them.”

“Whales are distributed for testing by means of several large supermarket chains – this is purely due to their existing delivery infrastructure, and in no way constitutes an economic element to the consumption of whalemeat. Yes, consumers are asked to make a mandatory contribution, which for practical reasons is collected at the checkout with other items of shopping.”

In March, the International Court of Justice ruled that the scientific explanation for the whaling programme was “a load of bollocks,” pointing out that in reality the Japanese are simply hunting whales to eat, as usual.

In a statement this morning, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said it was “regrettable that this part of Japanese culture is not understood”, before leaving for a twelve-course scientific banquet of whale stuffed with lies and broken promises.