Category Archives: Politics

by | May 30, 2013 · 11:30 am

Iain Duncan Smith declared unfit for work by Atos

rsz_iain-duncan-smith415

Is this man a danger to the public?

An attempt to prove that Atos assessments are fair and transparent spectacularly backfired today when the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, was declared unfit for work.

The assessor ruled that Duncan Smith lives largely in a fantasy world as evidenced by his misuse of statistics to prove points both in the media and the House of Commons and the lies which were present on his CV until a Newsnight exposé forced him to change it. Despite his highest qualifications merely being A’levels, Duncan Smith had claimed to be a graduate of the Universita di Perugia and to have been educated at Dunchurch College of Management. This inflation of his academic record was classified by Atos as being symptomatic of  a severe case of an illness commonly known as a touch of  the Archers. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

UK Government ready to release Lib Dem detainees

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

After Amnesty International described it as ‘unlawful detention’, the UK government has agreed to release its Lib Dem detainees. Believed to have been captured around the time of the 2010 election, the prisoners led by Nick Clegg have been ritually humiliated.

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained “these detainees were originally held for strategic purposes. Although some say it goes against the Geneva Convention, Clegg has proven himself to be a very useful human shield.”

Records show that the use of Lib Dem’s ended ‘many months ago’, yet David Cameron has decided to keep them locked up in coalition, a move the International Red Cross has called barbaric. However Mr Hammond defended his leader’s decision claiming he “could not guarantee the Lib Dem’s safety if they were handed back over to the public.”

The prison camp is believed to be located within the confines of 10 Downing Street, but those being held captive have only recently been able to get access to a lawyer to represent them. With many claiming this representation should have been offered at the tax payer’s expense long before now, the Defence Secretary told us that it had in fact been offered many times over a year ago.
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by | May 29, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Westboro Baptist Church modernise by allowing gay clergy

WBC protest with their new and improved signs

WBC protest with their new and improved signs

The controversial religious cult, the Westboro Baptist Church, have announced a set of reforms aimed at modernising the church and improving its public image. Although they have stopped short of banning incest and the brainwashing of children, they have come out and agreed to allow gay clergy.

The notoriously homophobic group have until now been bitterly against same-sex relationships, preaching their hatred with their infamous banners whilst protesting at military installations, schools and at the funerals of fallen soldiers. However in a bid to rebuild numbers in their church, the church’s founder Pastor Fred Phelps has decided to get right behind the gay community.
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by | · 11:30 am

Man joins English Defence League: disappointed by spelling

Makes "you're teeth", itch. Do'nt it?

Makes “you’re teeth”, itch. Do’nt it?

Harold man, Col. Thomas Hallet, today spoke of his disappointment on joining the English Defence League and discovering that the promotion and preservation of the correct use of the English language was the last thing on their minds.

“I happened to be in Dunstable last week and I popped into a pub I’d never been in before which turned out to be rather insalubrious but I thought I’d have a quick pint while I waited for my good lady wife to finish buying whatever women’s things she feels it necessary to procure from the town.” Continue reading →

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by | May 28, 2013 · 11:30 am

Will Smith to present Question Time

We'd let him chair our debate any day.

We’d let him chair our debate any day.

As part of the publicity tour for his new film Will Smith will present Question Time this Thursday. For the past few days the forty-four year old Hollywood star has been an ubiquitous media presence as he whips up enthusiasm for his latest sci-fi epic.

“Will has had a great time in the UK,” said his agent. “He’s gone on Graham Norton, been to a soccer match and in his downtime visited top London tourist attractions like Boris Johnson. Now with Question Time he’s trying something new.” Continue reading →

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by | May 27, 2013 · 7:30 am

Councillor defends sudden holiday, despite house being on fire

jollybobs

Still in control, at 30,000 feet

Councillor Ron Ronsson has been widely criticised for going on holiday, despite his house being ablaze for several hours before he left.

Ronsson is no stranger to dealing with emergencies, and has the people at Lastminute.com on speed-dial. But some in the council have claimed that looking for a reasonable deal in the sun should always play second-fiddle to calling the emergency services.

“I’m still in charge”, claimed Ronsson, on a note found in his drive way. “’All-inclusive’ doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become a commune.”
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by | May 25, 2013 · 7:30 am

Mayor offsets parish austerity measures ‘by buying massive car’

jackson limo

Mayor hopes car will support ‘up to six hookers’

Local Mayor Rufus D Jackson has reacted swiftly to criticisms of his austerity programme, by buying an ‘absolutely enormous’ car.

With budgets for the local library, citizen’s advice bureau and most bin collections cut by up to 100%, some villagers had started to question how this would lead to more growth.

But while Jackson admitted that the tactic was causing hardship for the sort of people he didn’t care for, he insisted that owning a massive car would help cheer up those that mattered the most.
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by | May 22, 2013 · 7:00 am

Government bans maths

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg's purpose.

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.

David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.

“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading →

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by | May 20, 2013 · 2:05 pm

Picture evidence shows Di Canio only 25% fascist

20130520-140212.jpg

(20% if you include the thumbs)

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by | · 2:00 pm

Cameron listens to grassroots – bans “swivel-eyed loon” marriage

Where are all the canapes?

Where are all the canapes?

After listening to grass-roots Tory concerns about the Marriage Equality Bill, Prime Minister David Cameron says he has reconsidered his views, and as a compromise he will ban marriages between swivel-eyed loons while allowing same-sex couples to marry.

“I heard the message loud and clear that not all groups in society should be allowed to marry” said Cameron. “When I saw the activists foam at the mouth and roll their eyes randomly while spouting anti-gay hate, I realised something had to be done.”

“It was either ban swivel-eyed loons from marrying and breeding or transport them all to Australia. Unfortunately Australia has already filled their swivel-eyed loon quota so marriage ban it is.”
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by | May 18, 2013 · 7:00 am

Widespread support for “slashing MPs”

Fire Brigade Union launch new 'cost effective' Westminster fire station.

Fire Brigade Union launch new ‘cost effective’ Westminster fire station.

A report into the cost of MPs in Westminster has recommended the whole system needs to be “transformed” to become more efficient and effective. This comes hot on the heels of a similar review that suggested the fire service also needed major reforming.

Reported incidences of competent MPs have fallen by 40% in the last decade but the number of £65,000-a-year parliamentarians has remained roughly the same. The report has stated having 650 separate “headless chickens” was not sensible.

“With some MPs being half as effective as others, tens of millions of pounds could be saved each year” the report’s author said. “I recommend cutting back on some of the non-effective ones such as George Galloway, Michael Gove and Ed Miliband.”

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by | May 15, 2013 · 2:30 pm

“Rio ferdinand’s England retirement a ‘victory’ for the BNP” claims Griffin

Although a blatent racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Although a blatant racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has said the news that Rio Ferdinand has retired from playing for England a victory for racists everywhere.

Ferdinand’s announcement comes after John Terry was picked for the last European championship ahead of him despite being due in court for racially abusing his brother, Anton. Although the court cleared Terry of the charges, the FA found him guilty and banned him accordingly.

“Rio’s decision is the right one, and shows the growing support for fascism in the footballing community” Griffin told reporters.

“I think we need to thank John Terry, the England fans accused of racially abusing him at a recent game and Paolo Di Canio for raising the profile of right-wing nut jobs in the game.”
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by | May 14, 2013 · 11:30 am

Reoffending rates rocket as inmates seek to avoid Huhne

I'm here to help

I’m here to help

Suggestions by disgraced former cabinet minister Chris Huhne that he will embark on a new career helping rehabilitate prisoners are in doubt after inmates at Leyhill Prison said they would rather stay in jail for life than listen to Huhne for 5 more minutes.

Gavin Smith, an amateur shoplifter from Harold who was due to be released in 3 weeks, said he was panicking at the thought of having Huhne lecture him about the way he should live his life, and why the Lib-Dem energy policy would avoid melting the ice caps while keeping British industry moving.

“It was possibly an over-reaction to kill two inmates and three guards to avoid being released, but I was desperate” said Smith. “I’m just hoping my lawyer doesn’t think of any technical defence.”

Other inmates are committing petty offences en masse in the hope they can buy more time in prison until Huhne loses interest in helping prisoners.
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by | May 13, 2013 · 11:00 am

Third councillor ‘would back exit from Bedfordshire’

haroldsign copy

Signs will be printed very locally

With exiting organisations currently all the rage, a third Harold councillor has declared they would ‘happily walk away from Bedfordshire tomorrow’.

Harold has already declared independence from Europe, NATO and Groupon, but the latest move could see the village become ‘more insular than many dared dream’.

“There are some good things about being in Bedfordshire”, Ron Ronsson admitted. “It’s a relatively small county, and not many people visit. But given an in/out referendum, I’d have to say ‘out’. It doesn’t do to dwell too long on the positives.”
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by | May 12, 2013 · 7:30 am

Fear as village buzzed by military drones

The new summer pest that’s harder to ignore than midges.

Harold was plunged into fear and confusion last night when it was repeatedly buzzed by military drones. “It was horrible,’ said villager, Carly Jeffery. ‘I was in the beer garden of the Squirrel Lickers and suddenly there were these massive planes swooping down on us. They were so low that some people got disorientated and fell over. Or that could have been due to the guest ale. I’m not sure Toss Goblin agreed with many people, it was pretty strong.”

After repeatedly circling and descending on the village the drones disappeared leaving a trail of disruption in their wake that saw llamas escaping from the animal sanctuary and going on the rampage across the recreation ground, soufflé’s collapsing in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! and reports of serious unrest coming from the dogging community. Continue reading →

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by | May 11, 2013 · 7:45 am

Professor Hawking boycotts church bungee jump

Church jump 'incompatible with string theory'

Church jump ‘incompatible with string theory’ (artist’s impression)

Organisers of a church bungee jump have reacted angrily to a snub by professor Hawking, after he claimed it would be ‘inappropriate’ for an atheist to take part.

Harold vicar Tansy Forster is trying to raise funds for a new gargoyle, after the last one was stolen by Goths.

But Forster was disappointed that the professor refused to support the event, because he doesn’t believe in the existence of a God.
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by | May 10, 2013 · 1:02 pm

NEWS UPDATE: Boris Johnson’s hair defects to UKIP

Ooh, that's tickly, but nice!

Ooh, that’s tickly, but nice!

Please share the news if you like it! Thanks.

After this morning’s shock revelation that Boris Johnson and his hair have separated, journalists from the Evening Harold can now announce the sensational news that the flyaway thatch has defected to UKIP.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage is seen here looking understandably delighted in front of an industrial hair dryer.

More news as we get it…

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by | · 7:00 am

Boris Johnson’s popularity plummets as his hair goes solo

It's like seeing Darth Vader out of the suit, isn't it?

Bald men are typically up to 35% more evil

Boris Johnson’s personal approval ratings went into free fall yesterday when his hair announced that it is going solo. Since becoming MP for Henley in 2001, Johnson’s electoral success had mainly been credited to the fact that he looked like a golden retriever that had been groomed and blow-dried by a stoned and embittered conceptual artist who’d never known success. Now his hair has left him to pursue other projects revealing Johnson to be a middle-aged Eton, Oxford, Bullingdon Club toff.

“I don’t know much about politics,” said Harold resident and former Boris fan, Jane Hough. “I haven’t watched it since they sacked Angus Deayton but I always thought that Boris was better than other politicians because he had that mad hair and couldn’t do his jacket up on important occasions. It made him seem like one of us. Now the hair’s gone I’ve realised that he’s just another self-serving Tory.” Continue reading →

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by | May 8, 2013 · 2:30 pm

BNP forced to admit website not hacked just stupid

Nothing to do with us

“Nothing to do with us.”

In order to counter the widespread belief that their website had been hacked the BNP were today forced to admit that it is intentionally full of stupidity and toss.

“The first thing you see on the BNP’s site is a headline saying ‘Rebuilding the ethnic British race‘,” said Evening Harold journalist S.F McCrossin. “So almost immediately I assumed they’d been hacked. The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has only existed in its current form since 1921. That’s not wanting to rebuild an ethnic race that’s wanting to rebuild Prince Philip. Or maybe not seeing as he was born in Greece and his dad was Greek. I don’t think the BNP are keen on that sort of thing.” Continue reading →

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by | · 10:57 am

Sir Alex leaves Manchester United in preparation to take over from the Queen

Previously crowned 'king of Europe' Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Previously crowned ‘king of Europe’ Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement from football today, positioning himself to take over managing the country from the Queen.

“I see Prince Charles is being sent to the commonwealth meeting in the Queen’s place to prepare him” Fergie told reporters. “These other countries need a leader they can trust and take seriously, so I will go with him.”

This move has led to speculation that not even the Queen can trust the Prince of Wales to take on the role as head of state when the time comes. Insiders at the palace have denied that claim, but with Sir Alex expected to sit beside the Queen during the state opening of Parliament, the rumours continue.

Earlier there were conflicting reports. Some had suggested he was going to take the top job at Reading FC, but the ‘royals’ he is going to manage turned out to be the Windsors.
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