Makes “you’re teeth”, itch. Do’nt it?
Harold man, Col. Thomas Hallet, today spoke of his disappointment on joining the English Defence League and discovering that the promotion and preservation of the correct use of the English language was the last thing on their minds.
“I happened to be in Dunstable last week and I popped into a pub I’d never been in before which turned out to be rather insalubrious but I thought I’d have a quick pint while I waited for my good lady wife to finish buying whatever women’s things she feels it necessary to procure from the town.”
However this quiet interlude quickly took a more sinister turn.
“I think it was my regimental tie which provided the initial attraction. I soon found myself joined by three plump and shaved-headed men who wanted to talk about English matters which was rather cheery as I’m quite the admirer of Lynne Truss and always ready to take my trusty fountain pen to any signs that are badly misspelled.”
“My interlocutors seemed a little puzzled but after much repeating of words like English and pride and excellence we appeared to find common ground and I agreed to attended one of their meetings. I did think it was strange that they gave the location of this meeting as outside Dunstable Central Mosque and told me to wear a balaclava and bring some bacon but I always say that the first rule on joining anything new is to keep it buttoned and take your lead from the old hands.”
On turning up to what he thought was a meeting to discuss the use and abuse of the English language Col. Hallet was appalled to discover that the English Defence League were racist thugs and that their crude and offensive banners were riddled with errors.
“One said ‘no more mosks and muslamic law’ and that was the most coherent,” recalled the Colonel with a shudder. “Happily though as I stood there feeling a bit of a Terry Titmouse I espied my dear friend Qaasim Mohammed on the other side of the line as it were. So we decided to leave everyone to it and nipped off for well-earned cup of tea.”
Looking back on his brush with extremism Col. Hallet says he feels embarrassed to have been so gullible. “If I’ve learned anything from this it’s that I shouldn’t drink alcohol before lunchtime and to never trust a chap who has had his Union Jack tattoos inked on upside down.”
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