Opposition grows to intensive Panda farm


Abattoir workers lure in a panda with scampi nik-naks and half a Bulmers

One farmer’s move into the lucrative ‘exotic meats’ market has drawn crowds of protesters to the village.

With people growing bored with eating cows, pigs and baby baa-lambs, market prices have seen a corresponding tumble. But thanks to local farmer Phil Evans’ efforts to intensively rear pandas, Harold’s gourmands have something new to chew over.

First-time visitors to Harold might not notice the food revolution straight away, but they’ll soon get the gist from the angry placards, and chants for Evans’ blood.

“From a distance, pandas do look a bit like stumpy, fat heifers”, explained Evans. “But look more closely, and you’ll notice that they’re useless, lazy twats.”

Evans faced a number of hurdles before he could get his herd ‘up and running’, although after a couple of days he gave up on that approach and now leaves them laying around, chewing sticks.

“Breeding Pandas is notoriously difficult”, revealed Evans, “but if you give them high-fat snacks and cider, they’re a lot more keen to ‘get it on’.” But with protesters camping on his lawn and the threat of legal action from Greenpeace, Evans admitted that he sometimes wonders if he’s doing the right thing.

“Of course he is”, insisted part-time restaurant critic Melody Hallet. “Eating pandas is my guilty pleasure, my kids love them now as well. They did have nightmares for the first couple of months, but the sedentary lifestyle of a boozed up panda makes them as tender as newborn veal.”

Hallet isn’t alone. Others have been philosophical about the farm, and claim panda meat isn’t black and white.

“Morally it’s hard to object, pandas are no brighter than your average pig”, suggested her husband Thomas. “And if he keeps this up Evans might single-handedly get the delicious critters off the endangered list.”

Evans isn’t so sure. “That’s terrible news, I hadn’t thought of that, it’s going to seriously affect the prices. I’ll have to send my lad off to Madagascar again, see if we can’t breed up some lovely slack gibbons.”

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