Boris Johnson’s popularity plummets as his hair goes solo

Bald men are typically up to 35% more evil

Boris Johnson’s personal approval ratings went into free fall yesterday when his hair announced that it is going solo. Since becoming MP for Henley in 2001, Johnson’s electoral success had mainly been credited to the fact that he looked like a golden retriever that had been groomed and blow-dried by a stoned and embittered conceptual artist who’d never known success. Now his hair has left him to pursue other projects revealing Johnson to be a middle-aged Eton, Oxford, Bullingdon Club toff.

“I don’t know much about politics,” said Harold resident and former Boris fan, Jane Hough. “I haven’t watched it since they sacked Angus Deayton but I always thought that Boris was better than other politicians because he had that mad hair and couldn’t do his jacket up on important occasions. It made him seem like one of us. Now the hair’s gone I’ve realised that he’s just another self-serving Tory.”

It has long been assumed in the Westminster Village that Boris Johnson would acquire a safe seat in the 2015 general election and use that as the springboard to become Tory leader in 2016 once his term as Mayor of London expired however the loss of his hair has thrown those plans into disarray.

“I’m gutted,’ said now ex-Tory voter Dave Zhou. “I used to see Boris looking bonkers and think ‘yeah, get in BoJo! On you go riding your bike and talking about the Romans and that’ he seemed really down-to-earth and like if he was Prime Minister it would be better because he’s a good bloke but seeing him today I get that he’s actually dead clever and that Eddie Mair wasn’t messing around when he called him ‘a nasty piece of work’.”

Rumours that a desperate Ed Miliband has attempted to take over Johnson’s role in public life as a loveable maverick by sporting a purple mohawk have yet to be confirmed. Although it is true that Nick Clegg has shaved his head but Downing Street insiders says that’s more a cry for help than anything else.