FEATURE: ‘Mending Good’ – the true story of a drug dealer’s tragic descent into teaching


“Bring me the head of Michael Gove!”

Harold district’s local education authority is struggling to cope with the massive influx of former drug dealers seeking the easy route to riches by secretly entering the teaching profession.

Many drug dealers have come to the conclusion that they could do a better job than the disorganised collection of misfits who currently staff the education system, and by getting into the ‘business’ are finding riches and excitement they could previously only dream of. Such are the rewards available, many dealers are prepared to put up with the danger, drop in status and lowly social position that comes with teaching.

The hard stuff

There have always been the reckless few who, believing it to be innocent, have supplemented their income by means of a little soft Drama or French coaching in their spare time, purely for their own private pupils, but inspectors are now seeing a serious trend towards the harder subjects, like Maths and Economics.

The case of one recent newcomer is typical. Bernard Brown, a struggling amphetamine manufacturer, spoke of the pressures which pushed him over the edge into education. “Money was always tight, even with a little Saturday job selling weed I wasn’t bringing in enough. And I hadn’t been feeling too good for a while. Then my doctor broke it to me that I had an advanced attack of piles, and things didn’t look good.”

Fearing the worst

“I didn’t want to worry my wife, but eventually she was bound to notice. She was starting to comment on how I wasn’t looking comfortable at mealtimes, and I knew I couldn’t keep the news from her forever. And I had to provide for the future – not just for my treatment, but what if the worst happened? At any day my condition could deteriorate into the nightmare scenario – I could be forced to splash out on some kind of continental seatless toilet. Doing nothing wasn’t an option. Then my brother-in-law, who happens to be an Ofsted inspector, took me along to a local school open day. I was amazed at the lifestyles of these teachers – the money, the glamour – I knew I had to give it a try, no matter what society might think of me.”


Mr Brown’s previous drug business experience meant he was quickly able to teach Pure Maths to a much higher standard than the existing teachers, and he has quickly moved up the ladder to become Head of Department at Harold Comprehensive school. But for Brown, and the other former dealers, many dangers await:

“I got into a staffroom argument with the Deputy Head,” Brown confessed, “It got pretty nasty. In the end I had to use the whiteboard to demonstrate that the model of recursive theory he’d been teaching for years was fundamentally flawed. I had no idea how messy this profession could get – he ended up in tears. But I WON. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a bag full of marking to do this evening.”

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