“I heard the message loud and clear that not all groups in society should be allowed to marry” said Cameron. “When I saw the activists foam at the mouth and roll their eyes randomly while spouting anti-gay hate, I realised something had to be done.”
“It was either ban swivel-eyed loons from marrying and breeding or transport them all to Australia. Unfortunately Australia has already filled their swivel-eyed loon quota so marriage ban it is.”
The move was welcomed in the gay community, with Graham Norton noting that he had concerns about full marriage equality for some time, citing Jeremy Clarkson and Nadine Dorries as reason for his hesitation.
When asked to comment, members of the swivel-eyed loon fraternity refused, or were unable, to reply in-depth, and instead muttered “UKIP”, “fabric of society”, and “genuine British sausages” in between grunts and rapid-eye movements.
Cameron also sought to resolve the divisive European question by promising Tory activists and UKIP supporters alike that he will take steps to shore up British sovereignty before the 2017 in/out referendum.
“I’ve reassured the swivel-eyed loons that I’ll build a moat at least 26 miles wide around all of Britain to stop the Bulgarians getting in” said Cameron.
“They seemed pretty happy with that if their momentarily non-swivelling eyes were anything to go by.”