Reoffending rates rocket as inmates seek to avoid Huhne

Suggestions by disgraced former cabinet minister Chris Huhne that he will embark on a new career helping rehabilitate prisoners are in doubt after inmates at Leyhill Prison said they would rather stay in jail for life than listen to Huhne for 5 more minutes.

Gavin Smith, an amateur shoplifter from Harold who was due to be released in 3 weeks, said he was panicking at the thought of having Huhne lecture him about the way he should live his life, and why the Lib-Dem energy policy would avoid melting the ice caps while keeping British industry moving.

“It was possibly an over-reaction to kill two inmates and three guards to avoid being released, but I was desperate” said Smith. “I’m just hoping my lawyer doesn’t think of any technical defence.”

Other inmates are committing petty offences en masse in the hope they can buy more time in prison until Huhne loses interest in helping prisoners.

“At first I thought he was a good-looking guy” said convicted career burglar and prison rapist Lyall Edwards. “But he banged on about the Lib-Dem gay marriage policy so much I just lost interest and became heterosexual.”

Inmates unfortunate enough to be recently released have resorted to tunnelling back into the prison seeking sanctuary from Huhne’s sanctimony.

Even the prison guards themselves are worried about seeing Huhne out in the community with many applying for overtime, while others are donning inmate clothing and locking themselves up just to be on the safe side.

Leyhill Prison Manager Alan Clarke said the prison has never been so overcrowded but the prisoners and guards all seem happy.

“I don’t blame them, Huhne really was an insufferable bore. Now excuse me while I go to sleep in my cell.”