Under increasing pressure to reduce costs and boost income into the royal household, the Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to be considering auctioning off some of their assets, starting with Prince Charles.
“The idea came while the Queen was taking in her daily fix of Bargain Hunt,” her spokesman said.
Oxford University at night
Oxford students who attended last night’s Oxford Union debate during which Ukip MEP Godfrey Bloom interrupted a student to ask “are you Richard III or not” in clear reference to that student’s physical disability have today defended their braying reaction in support of Bloom’s comment by saying that he was too clever for them. Continue reading
Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity
Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.
“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?” Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
The irony of collecting tax in a Starbucks cup was lost on this tax collector
Corporation tax has long been a contentious issue politically, with HMRC doing their best to get multi-national companies to pay the correct levels of tax owed. These tactics have ranged from taking company directors out to dinner to the more drastic action of asking them really nicely.
Now HMRC have announced they are to try a new approach to collecting the millions of pounds owed to the public purse; begging.
The fist of history biffs Blair in the face
It seemed impossible but after only seven days of intensive talks at UN Geneva Headquarters there was unilateral agreement after both sides agreed that UN peace envoy, Tony Blair, should keep his nose out of the peace talks.
Waiting press were first alerted to the possibility of a surprise announcement when a UN aide hurried out the building, returning a few minutes later clutching a glasses and a magnum of champagne. This was enough to baffle seasoned observers, but when news leaked out that Tony Blair may have been at the centre of things, there was widespread disbelief that his involvement could have had such a positive effect.
UN mediator, Lakhdar Brahimi, explained how the historic breakthrough was achieved. Continue reading
Filed under International News, Politics
Right, now for my ‘shocked’ and ‘concerned’ face. What do you think?
Lib Dem Party leaders have denied persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have a rogue MP who is not a serial groper.
Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Farage enjoys a ciggie after polishing his gun
“Like all leaders, Farage wants to be seen as a strong, virile leader” said political scientist Jacob Heather. “But ‘downstairs’ he just doesn’t stack up. I think Farage thinks a Magnum 44 in his pocket would make all the difference.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
Where’s your bloody visa?
The Australian government has announced that this year’s Australia Day will be commemorated by finally dropping the lines in the second verse of the national anthem which go: “For those who’ve come across the seas, We’ve boundless plains to share”.
Prime Minister Tony Abbott announced the change at a press conference this morning, expressing his “deep concern” that the words ever got put there in the first place:
“I thought I ought to know a bit about the old anthem, being Prime Minister, and after reading through it a few times it just sort of leapt out – what the hell is this bullshit about people coming across the seas?”
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Moments later, Hodge wrestled a CEO to the floor and ate their face.
Margaret Hodge has been accused of discouraging investment in the UK by the sort of greedy, psycopathic companies that would otherwise be drawn to our unique taxation loop holes.
An anonymous source has claimed that Hodge’s obsession with legality and fairness is completely at odds with the ambitions of many of the globe’s most successful rampaging monsters.
“There’s an unspoken rule about how we deal with ruthless monopolies looking to relocate here”, said a spokesman from the treasury. “If they don’t say out loud how much they’re making, then we don’t have to tax them. Hodge is being very unfair when she points out that this is catastrophically unjust. She risks them moving abroad, and not paying any tax there either.”
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We know that this story should have a photo of Nigel Farage but we can’t bear to stare at his gaping maw yet again.
Ukip’s Nigel Farage has announced that the party has abandoned its previous manifesto and won’t be creating a new one until after the European elections. We at the Evening Harold are saddened to think of Ukip as being ruddy-faced and yet rudderless so we’ve put together a new manifesto for them.
Their previous one was 486 pages long however we’re confident we’ve got Ukip covered in just twelve simple points. Continue reading
Maybe it’s harder than it seems: photo shows the result of Duncan Smith being asked to point to his arse and his elbow.
In a speech yesterday Iain Duncan Smith announced that benefit recipients who aren’t in employment will become slaves as part of the Tory party’s “historic mission…to give people from chaotic lives security through hard work. And the security that they will get is knowing that the hard work will never end.” Continue reading
Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?
The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.
“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading
Medics eventually arrived to rub salt into his wounds.
Tony Blair is said to be in a critical condition after a member of the public carried out a routine citizen’s Stop and Search on the former PM.
‘have-a-go-hero’ Melanie Jones spotted Blair driving around in broad daylight, and instinctively knew she should bring him in.
“It was so brazen, this known criminal was just cruising around without so much as a by your leave”, said Jones. “So I slammed my car into the side of his before shooting him in citizen’s self defence.”
Police eventually arrived on the scene after consulting their lawyers and carrying out a risk assessment. Later they decided that they ought to email for an ambulance, as soon as they’d finished searching the scene for incriminating evidence.
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
Sad but inevitable. The Nick Clegg character had long ceased to be useful.
Viewers of the soap opera Coalition Street are advised to have the tissues handy for tonight’s episode which promises to be a serious tearjerker as Nick Clegg will be seen choosing assisted suicide over annihilation at the next general election. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics
Lord Rennard relaxing inside a swan’s bottom
Nick Clegg is considering a radical overhaul of the legal system, to create a compromise somewhere between guilty and innocent.
‘The third way’ will be trialled on the completely innocent sex peer Lord Rennard, who may not have done anything wrong but should still be forced to apologise.
“Sometimes, the extremes of ‘guilty’ and ‘not guilty’ can be far too judgmental”, said Clegg. “And choosing one or the other can leave the defendant or prosecutor feeling a bit dis-empowered.”
“Isn’t it better to leave both parties equally disgruntled and confused? Shouldn’t justice be a ‘no score draw’? Of course it should, that’s the Liberal Democrat way.”
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Filed under Law and Order, Politics, Sex
Ian Duncan Smith insists Universal Credit wouldn’t pour money into a black hole.
The government’s much-maligned Universal Credit reforms have again faced stinging criticism, this time from the gaseous creatures of Earth’s closest neighbouring star system.
Keen to avoid another u-turn, Ian Duncan Smith wants to keep the name ‘universal’ while making sure as few people as possible are eligible to claim.
In a compromise thrashed out with the Lib Dems, the benefit will be opened up to all known galaxies, but only to sentient beings that have lived in the UK for more than two years and that can speak English, Latin and Plutonian.
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Filed under Politics, Technology
God: sometimes He must really regret that promise to Noah.
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.
In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.” Continue reading
Which would you choose?
Cllr Ron Ronnson has attempted to justify to a committee why the local council spent £35k on a stapler expert last year.
Julia Evans is regarded as the country’s leading stationery expert, and has done some ground-breaking work in the area of staplers. What’s more, she claims to have ‘cracked the staple code’. Incredibly, she says she can tell a strip of No.10s from a rogue pair of 26/6s.
“Until quite recently, people in offices assumed the numbers written on the boxes of staples were entirely random”, explained Evans. “But thanks to my team of dedicated research fellows, we think we’re on the verge of understanding them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Politics
Following on from his comments that gay people can “feel free in your relationship but leave the children alone”, man of the world and Russian president Vladimir Putin has been rolling out the rainbow carpet to all people from all over the Globe.
“I would like to extend the strong yet moisturised manly hand of friendship to everyone,” Putin told media.
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Observers spot appallingly modified Range Rover near Wilmslow.
Cheshire has declared it has a ‘significant chemical weapon capability’ after winning an online auction for Syria’s old stock.
While its new deadly status is just beginning to sink in, the rogue county has already drawn up a series of demands and issued a statement of intent.
“These weapons will allow us to defend ourselves against anyone foolish enough to launch an attack”, claimed the northern territory.
“One more quip from Jeremy Clarkson about ‘onyx coffee tables’ or ‘Range Rooneys’ and we’ll have no option but to melt his big face.”
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