Ukip: A new manifesto


We know that this story should have a photo of Nigel Farage but we can’t bear to stare at his gaping maw yet again.

Ukip’s Nigel Farage has announced that the party has abandoned its previous manifesto and won’t be creating a new one until after the European elections. We at the Evening Harold are saddened to think of Ukip as being ruddy-faced and yet rudderless so we’ve put together a new manifesto for them.

Their previous one was 486 pages long however we’re confident we’ve got Ukip covered in just twelve simple points.

Crime: Rolling your eyes and/or snorting derisively when a chap begins a sentence “I’m not racist but…” to become illegal.

Education: Foreign language teaching to be overhauledFrench replaced with Loud English, German replaced with angry silence, Romanian replaced with contemptuous spitting.

Employment: Scullery maids to be properly trained and regulated. Any falling pregnant due to improper liaisons with their betters to receive an abortion and third class passage to the New World.

Environment: Homosexuality will be mandatory during hosepipe bans.

Equality: All citizens must have a minimum of two black and two gay best friends to prove they’re not a bigot.

Europe: Channel Tunnel to be sealed up at the halfway point and turned into a re-education camp where people will be sent to unlearn where France is and to stop enjoying Scandi noir, and olives.

Finance: Jane Austen, Adam Smith, Matthew Boulten and James Watt to be taken off the £10, £20 and £50 notes and replaced by Alf Garnett, Enoch Powell and Oswald Mosely.

Immigration: All immigrants must be fluent in cricket, queuing and deference.

Scottish Independence: Fully in favour of any type of unilateral door-closing so no waiting for the referendum the door will be closed. Same goes for the Welsh. And the Cornish. And Narnia.

Transport: Never get in a taxi driven by someone who isn’t English. It may well lead to you being kidnapped and murdered or worse enjoying a pleasant drive with someone whose is scrupulously polite and doesn’t overcharge or have talkSPORT on too loud.

Welfare: Benefits to scrapped to stop foreigners coming over here and stealing everyone’s job while simultaneously being work-shy and sitting around all day living it up on Job Seekers.

Women: No.

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