Category Archives: News

by | May 13, 2013 · 2:00 pm

New coronavirus means OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, say scientists

coronavirusspl

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

According to a statement from the World Health Organisation, the latest strain of the fast-spreading coronavirus can be passed from person to person in close contact, meaning NO NO NO WE’RE ALL DEAD OH GOD NO PLEASE.

The organisation’s latest advice comes after several people in Saudi Arabia died from the virus, followed by a second man in France contracting it from human-to-human transmission OH JESUS IT’S GETTING CLOSER – FRANCE IS ALMOST HERE AND THERE’S A CHANNEL TUNNEL NOW OH GOD WHY DID WE BUILD IT WE’RE ALL DOOMED!

NCoV is known to cause pneumonia and kidney failure AND PROBABLY YOUR BRAIN TURNS TO MUSHY GOO AND STINKING MUSHROOMS COVER YOUR WHOLE BODY OH CHRIST I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
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by | · 11:00 am

Third councillor ‘would back exit from Bedfordshire’

haroldsign copy

Signs will be printed very locally

With exiting organisations currently all the rage, a third Harold councillor has declared they would ‘happily walk away from Bedfordshire tomorrow’.

Harold has already declared independence from Europe, NATO and Groupon, but the latest move could see the village become ‘more insular than many dared dream’.

“There are some good things about being in Bedfordshire”, Ron Ronsson admitted. “It’s a relatively small county, and not many people visit. But given an in/out referendum, I’d have to say ‘out’. It doesn’t do to dwell too long on the positives.”
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by | May 12, 2013 · 1:30 pm

‘Incompetent’ vet confesses: ‘I did it for money and love of hurting animals’

badvet

Sick: vet bragged about exploits on social media

When officials first noticed all of Harold’s animals were missing, it didn’t take them long to point the finger at the new vet.

Arriving in the dead of night two years ago from a backwater suspiciously close to France, villagers were initially excited to find out that they now had ‘nurses for animals’.

But 24 months on there are no pets or livestock left, and the vet owns a new Bentley with a personalised plate.
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by | · 11:30 am

Traffic chaos as pensioner causes pedestrian pile-up

police car copyThere has been chaos on the High Street following a serious collision involving three people on the northbound pavement. The accident left the pavement closed for 3 hours.

Police were called to the collision at around 9.43am outside the charity shop. Eyewitnesses say it was caused by local resident, 86-year-old Elsie Duggan, stopping suddenly for no apparent reason.

Although we understand there are no fatalities, two have been taken to hospital for what are described as “minor injuries” and another was treated at the scene by a passing first aider.

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by | · 7:30 am

Fear as village buzzed by military drones

The new summer pest that’s harder to ignore than midges.

Harold was plunged into fear and confusion last night when it was repeatedly buzzed by military drones. “It was horrible,’ said villager, Carly Jeffery. ‘I was in the beer garden of the Squirrel Lickers and suddenly there were these massive planes swooping down on us. They were so low that some people got disorientated and fell over. Or that could have been due to the guest ale. I’m not sure Toss Goblin agreed with many people, it was pretty strong.”

After repeatedly circling and descending on the village the drones disappeared leaving a trail of disruption in their wake that saw llamas escaping from the animal sanctuary and going on the rampage across the recreation ground, soufflé’s collapsing in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! and reports of serious unrest coming from the dogging community. Continue reading →

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by | May 11, 2013 · 11:30 am

Atheists pull ad campaign after spate of members killed in bus accidents

Say it isn't so

Say it isn’t so

The worldwide trend for atheists to advertise on buses, with slogans such as ‘there is probably no God, now stop worrying and enjoy your life’, looks set to cease after a local study found that 95% of people killed in bus accidents didn’t believe in God.

Professor Paul Saunders, of Dunstable University, who headed the study into the religious affiliation of road accident victims, said the results were surprising.

“Until relatively recently, the incidence of atheists being killed by buses was around 8% of all victims, roughly in line with the prevalence of atheism in the general population. But the last few years has seen this inexplicable spike.”

Professor Saunders ruled out bus driver hatred of atheists as an explanation given that a Richard Dawkins t-shirt is harder to identify at a distance than, say, hijab clothing or a Priest’s cassock.

“Also, previous research has identified that bus drivers tend to despise everybody fairly equally” clarified Professor Saunders.
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by | · 7:45 am

Professor Hawking boycotts church bungee jump

Church jump 'incompatible with string theory'

Church jump ‘incompatible with string theory’ (artist’s impression)

Organisers of a church bungee jump have reacted angrily to a snub by professor Hawking, after he claimed it would be ‘inappropriate’ for an atheist to take part.

Harold vicar Tansy Forster is trying to raise funds for a new gargoyle, after the last one was stolen by Goths.

But Forster was disappointed that the professor refused to support the event, because he doesn’t believe in the existence of a God.
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by | May 10, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured

vineish

Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick

One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.

Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.

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by | · 7:00 am

Boris Johnson’s popularity plummets as his hair goes solo

It's like seeing Darth Vader out of the suit, isn't it?

Bald men are typically up to 35% more evil

Boris Johnson’s personal approval ratings went into free fall yesterday when his hair announced that it is going solo. Since becoming MP for Henley in 2001, Johnson’s electoral success had mainly been credited to the fact that he looked like a golden retriever that had been groomed and blow-dried by a stoned and embittered conceptual artist who’d never known success. Now his hair has left him to pursue other projects revealing Johnson to be a middle-aged Eton, Oxford, Bullingdon Club toff.

“I don’t know much about politics,” said Harold resident and former Boris fan, Jane Hough. “I haven’t watched it since they sacked Angus Deayton but I always thought that Boris was better than other politicians because he had that mad hair and couldn’t do his jacket up on important occasions. It made him seem like one of us. Now the hair’s gone I’ve realised that he’s just another self-serving Tory.” Continue reading →

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by | May 9, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Football chairman rules out bid for Gareth Bale

Won't muddy his boots for HTFC

Won’t muddy his boots for HTFC

The chairman of struggling Harold Thursday football club has conceded that there was probably not ‘quite enough cash’ in the kitty to buy the £80m rated player, despite the fact that  the purchase of Tottenham Hotspur superstar Gareth Bale would ‘do wonders’ for the club’s prospects in the Crumble’s Biscuit League.

“Although we are a small football club which makes only a modest profit, we are technically better off than a club like Chelsea which loses zillions every year,’ pointed out club supremo Billy McKean. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:29 am

New lease of life for allotments as they turn to graveyard a plot at a time

Allotment take-up is a grave business

Allotment take-up is a grave business

Harold’s once-proud allotment plots are getting a long-overdue facelift, thanks to the astonishing average age of their owners.

For years, the village allotments have been a draw for the elderly, who pretend to grow potatoes while drinking gin in their sheds.

But with vegetables now widely available in shops, few youngsters see the point in subsistence farming.
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by | May 8, 2013 · 2:30 pm

BNP forced to admit website not hacked just stupid

Nothing to do with us

“Nothing to do with us.”

In order to counter the widespread belief that their website had been hacked the BNP were today forced to admit that it is intentionally full of stupidity and toss.

“The first thing you see on the BNP’s site is a headline saying ‘Rebuilding the ethnic British race‘,” said Evening Harold journalist S.F McCrossin. “So almost immediately I assumed they’d been hacked. The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has only existed in its current form since 1921. That’s not wanting to rebuild an ethnic race that’s wanting to rebuild Prince Philip. Or maybe not seeing as he was born in Greece and his dad was Greek. I don’t think the BNP are keen on that sort of thing.” Continue reading →

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by | · 10:57 am

Sir Alex leaves Manchester United in preparation to take over from the Queen

Previously crowned 'king of Europe' Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Previously crowned ‘king of Europe’ Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement from football today, positioning himself to take over managing the country from the Queen.

“I see Prince Charles is being sent to the commonwealth meeting in the Queen’s place to prepare him” Fergie told reporters. “These other countries need a leader they can trust and take seriously, so I will go with him.”

This move has led to speculation that not even the Queen can trust the Prince of Wales to take on the role as head of state when the time comes. Insiders at the palace have denied that claim, but with Sir Alex expected to sit beside the Queen during the state opening of Parliament, the rumours continue.

Earlier there were conflicting reports. Some had suggested he was going to take the top job at Reading FC, but the ‘royals’ he is going to manage turned out to be the Windsors.
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by | May 7, 2013 · 7:00 am

Local teen creates first 3D-printer artificial vagina

Why else would you want one?

Why else would you buy one of these?

A day after the world’s first gun made with 3D-printer technology was successfully fired in the Untied States one of Harold’s younger residents announced that he had become the first person to use a 3D-printer to create an artificial vagina.

‘When I got the printer I thought about what I really wanted,’ said seventeen year old Simon Delaney. ‘Guns are cool and that I suppose but I’d rather shag something than use it to fire at some cans. When I asked all my mates they said the same.’ Continue reading →

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by | May 6, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Dementia sufferer charged for wasting police time then tagged

HappyPensioneer

Not as daft as she looks?

An elderly lady has been charged with wasting police time after she apparently became disorientated on a routine shopping trip.

Police were called out after Elsie Duggan, 86, became lost on her way back from a visit to the Tesco Express after appearing confused at the checkout. After a search, she was found sitting on a bench near the war memorial.

“It is true that we have charged an elderly woman with wasting police time,” said PC Anita Flegg defending police actions. “Were supposed to do exciting things like driving fast patrol cars and chasing international villains – not spend our time looking for lost cats or rescuing senile pensioners from trees. Do you know how much it costs to call out a police helicopter these days?”

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by | May 4, 2013 · 2:02 pm

Retired German brothers restore V2 rocket

V2 Rocket

Organizers advise spectators to wear ear muffs

Two brothers from Harold’s German twin town of Koch have successfully restored a V2 rocket.

Despite us all being friends now, the brothers share a love of WW2 technology and are keen to demonstrate their superior engineering.

The projectile, which features an ethanol powerplant, a primitive guidance system and 200 kilos of high explosive, could be the first one of its type to fly for nearly 70 years.

“We have worked on this project for several years now”, said Klaus Hummel. “There are none of these magnificent machines currently in service, we think it will go down rather well at one of your popular airshows.”
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by | · 11:30 am

New urban horror: you’re never more than three metres away from a UKIP supporter

Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the u-bend and out of your toilet.

Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the pipes and emerge from your toilet

A new horror to urban living has emerged following the local election results with scientists calculating that those in built-up areas are never more than three metres from a UKIP supporter.

Residents in Harold’s most populous area, which is lived in almost exclusively by Vikings and locally known as Little Copenhagen,  are terrified.

”I was always worried about being in close proximity to rats,’ said blacksmith Nigel Thorvald. ‘And of course spiders. Did you know in your lifetime you swallow between eight and twenty spiders while you’re sleeping plus at least three a year crawl across your face to drink from your eyeballs?” Continue reading →

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by | May 3, 2013 · 1:53 pm

Goths successfully appeal for ‘return’ of Jim Morrison’s remains

Morrison: Been Down So Long

Morrison: Been Down So Long

Goths in Harold have finally met one of their idols this week, after the decayed remains of Jim Morrison paid them a visit.

Doors frontman Jim Morrison, originally buried in the Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris in 1971, has until now spent very little time in the UK. But local legend tells how he once visited Harold’s famed twin bun shops, while he should have been performing at the Isle of Wight festival.

“When The Doors took to the stage in 1970, the set was entirely shrouded in darkness”, explained local Goth Josh Fenning. “Historians will tell you that it was because he didn’t want to be blinded by spotlights, but in truth it was because he was 120 miles away, enthusiastically tonguing a vanilla slice.”

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by | · 11:00 am

First time buyers flock to village with an ‘interest only’ in repossessed properties

Harold for saleThe village of Harold has seen a large rise in the amount of interest from first time buyers as a result of the latest financial ticking time bomb. The village has more interest only mortgages than anywhere else in the UK. The concern is that people will have not saved enough money to pay the final lump sum, leading to repossessions and cheap properties going to auction.

One hopeful home-owner explained “from what I have heard the whole village will be up for sale at this rate. I’ve got my eye on a nice three bedroom property at the moment, but I’ve heard rumours even the church could be up for grabs.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Records smashed ‘in a bad way’ as local election turnout hits an all-time low

Polling_Station_2008Records were broken at the local parish elections yesterday when it was revealed that the turnout of just five votes was 50% lower than the previous record low.

At a press conference, attended exclusively by the Evening Harold, Mayor Rufus D Jackson conceded that the polls were nothing to be proud of: “This is an historic day for our community but in a bad way. The fact that each of the candidates received just one vote each is not good, but at least I’ve retained office so it’s not all bad. It sustains my faith in democracy.”

Jackson admitted that it appeared that only the five candidates actually voted: “We will have to look into this of course,” adding “Questions will be asked in the Jackson household as to why I only received one vote.” Continue reading →

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