Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the pipes and emerge from your toilet
A new horror to urban living has emerged following the local election results with scientists calculating that those in built-up areas are never more than three metres from a UKIP supporter.
Residents in Harold’s most populous area, which is lived in almost exclusively by Vikings and locally known as Little Copenhagen, are terrified.
”I was always worried about being in close proximity to rats,’ said blacksmith Nigel Thorvald. ‘And of course spiders. Did you know in your lifetime you swallow between eight and twenty spiders while you’re sleeping plus at least three a year crawl across your face to drink from your eyeballs?”
Being informed that this was what the scientific community classify as ‘bollocks’ did not appease Thorvald’s fears. “I’m being anti-science,” he wailed. “Just like UKIP are with their support for climate change denial and homoeopathy. One must have bitten me in the night. I heard a strange noise but thought mice had got into the loft again.”
Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary says she is worried about a UKIP infestation from a health point of view. “UKIP keep talking about traditional values and the proper English way of life and there have even been some UKIP spokespersons talking about England’s Golden Age. What they mean but do not have the guts to say is a way of life without ethnic minorities and a golden age when everyone was white and from the same place which has absolutely never happened.”
“UKIP encourage people to blame certain small sections of society for the problems of the country as a whole and that is very unhealthy for all of us.”
One of Little Copenhagen”s few non-Viking residents said that he was not scared. “Don’t know what the Vikings are giving it,” said David Smith. “UKIP’s just one of those things you have to put up with being around like pigeons and those weird big green bugs that look they ought to sting but don’t seem to. What’s wrong with the English way of life anyway? It should be protected. Today I’m watching Vidić and the boys on the big screen at The Squirral Lickers, having a few Stellas and then chicken tikka bhuna to finish. You can’t get more English than that.”
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