Category Archives: News

by | May 23, 2014 · 3:00 pm

Further embarrassment for Ed Miliband as he accidentally votes for Ukip

Probably best if you just stay in the house for a while Ed

Probably best if you just stay in the house for a while Ed

A bad week for Ed Miliband ended on another embarrassing note today as it emerged that he had accidentally voted for Ukip in his local council elections.

The Labour leader had already struggled with the cost of his weekly shop, the name of the Labour candidate in Swindon, and eating a bacon sandwich like a normal human being. Now it appears that he has also forgotten the name of his local councillor and, after taking a stab in the dark, succeeded in getting the wrong party entirely. Continue reading →

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by | May 21, 2014 · 11:00 am

Manchester City pacify Yaya Toure with trip to Disney World

All smiles now, he was probably just overtired

All smiles now, he was probably just overtired

Yaya Toure has ended speculation over his future by confirming that he will stay at Manchester City after the club apologised for not adequately acknowledging his birthday, took him to Disney World and bought him a balloon.

The current African footballer of the year had fuelled speculation that he may leave after a row over the club’s owners ignoring his birthday, but after Manuel Pellegrini cut short his own holiday to take Toure to Orlando all seems to have been forgiven. Continue reading →

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by | May 18, 2014 · 2:00 pm

World peace brought about by hashtag

CaptureAfter #bringbackourgirls being tweeted millions of times was such a success other world problems are now being solved by hashtags. Over 3 million tweets have been made with the #bringbackourgirls tag since the abduction of 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and this has showed Boko Haram that their conduct is not acceptable to a huge number of Facebook and Twitter users. Continue reading →

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by | · 8:00 am

Arsenal celebrate start of next nine years without a trophy

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Players, management, and fans of Arsenal Football Club are celebrating this morning following their success at Wembley in the FA Cup final, marking the beginning of the club’s next nine years without a trophy.

The victory in the competition saw the team lift their first piece of silverware since 2005 and marks the start of a brand new era of quarter-final cup exits, fourth place in the league and the now traditional February capitulation.

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by | May 16, 2014 · 2:00 pm

E.on fined ‘for being bastards’

E.on's new logo

E.on’s new logo

E.on will pay out a record £12m penalty after being found guilty of ‘being bastards’ by industry regulator Ofgem. The verdict was initially something complicated about mis-selling and rule breaches, but has been amended to the more straightforward ‘bastards’ charge after many people were left unclear as to exactly what the energy giant had done wrong. Continue reading →

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by | May 14, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Research into ‘personal injury lawyers’ ads shows most accidents are caused by idiots

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An in-depth study of personal injury lawyer adverts has conclusively proven the vast majority of accidents are caused by idiots.

“We decided to look into the issue when we saw an advert claiming ‘Dave got paid £15,000 after he used the wrong ladder’,” said a researcher at the Harold Institute of Statistics.

“When we looked into it further and it turned out Dave had made his ladder out of damp cardboard boxes and Sellotape.”

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by | May 12, 2014 · 2:00 pm

HMRC attempt to attract celebrities by applying for charitable status

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Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs have announced the are to apply for charitable status in an attempt to get “celebrities” to pay some contribution towards society.

The move comes as Gary Barlow joins Jimmy Carr and Chris Moyles to be threatened with the naughty step over their dubious tax affairs.

Lin Homer, chief executive of HMRC explained: “Trying to get these wealthy people to pay their fair share is impossible. We’re sure it’s because you don’t get any publicity for filling in a self assessment form.
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by | · 7:00 am

Council funding crisis: London being closed to save money

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Some buildings are better when they’re empty

The government has arrived at a radical solution to alleviate the council funding crisis. When research confirmed that three out of five councils nationwide will have no money whatsoever by 2015 the decision was made to close London and redistribute its budget across the UK. Continue reading →

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by | May 11, 2014 · 11:10 am

Super-Rich List fallout: Chelsea to sack Abramovich?

mourinhoabramovic

“Spare change? Sorry mate, no.”

Chelsea fans have called for the sacking of Roman Abramovich, after a string of poor performances in the Sunday Times UK Super-Rich list.

“It’s got harder holding our heads high at the Bridge, since he dropped down the ‘How much?’ rankings,” complained fan Roger Brendan. Continue reading →

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by | May 10, 2014 · 8:00 am

UK set to lose ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia

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After over a decade of dominance in one area of the Eurovision song contest, the United Kingdom looks set to lose its ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia.

The accolade – which is often associated with the coverted ‘nil points’ – is traditionally awarded to the country the rest of Europe decides has the most trigger happy leader.

Following the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq the UK has been guaranteed the title every year since, but with no troops left in Iraq and withdrawal imminent from Camp Bastion Europe has begun looking elsewhere for its pantomime warmonger.
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by | May 9, 2014 · 2:30 pm

UKIP landslide expected after Farage pledges to withdraw UK from Eurovision Song contest

Farage expresses his opinion.

Farage expresses his opinion.

In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.

“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”

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by | · 7:00 am

How do you like your steak done? Supermarkets label meat with choice of murders

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This sheep was stunned shortly before it was humanely run over.

In response to the uproar surrounding unmarked Halal meat, supermarkets have pledged to offer consumers much more choice in the way animals are killed.

Sifting through the meat aisle of her local Tesco, Harold resident Pippa Delaney welcomed the move.

“It’s so much better, now we’re properly and sometimes graphically informed”, she insisted. “Let’s see: cricket bat with a nail in it…bolt gun in the face…liver failure…ooh! This one sounds delicious AND guilt-free: ‘hit by a meteorite’. I bet that makes it tender as well.”

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by | May 8, 2014 · 2:00 pm

England players: ‘little time now left ‘ to avoid World Cup draft

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“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”

Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.

The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.

Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

‘Daily Mail, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of being a dick’ report says

More harmful than smoking #FACT

Many of us are being exposed to the Daily Mail unawares a report published today confirms. By not explicitly labelling content from the Daily Mail as reactionary bobbins people are exposed to a harmful cocktail of misogyny, xenophobia and many other shabby things ending in -ist, -ia and -ic.  Continue reading →

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by | May 7, 2014 · 2:08 pm

Tesco warned ‘stop selling suppliers’ souls for below cost price’

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The competition commission has warned Tesco to stop selling it’s suppliers’ souls for less than cost price.

The warning comes as more and more small and local suppliers who have spent hundreds of years selling their wares to local independent shops sell their souls to the supermarket giant.

One local brewery explained: “We used to sell good quality beer to retailers that knew what they were on about. We put our heart and soul into it.”

“But when the big boys come looking to buy a few more bottles but without the heart bit and even the beer part being optional, who can resist.”
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by | · 11:00 am

Today is not Tuesday

wednesday

See? Wed-nes-day

Experts have issued a warning to remind the working population that today is not Tuesday, despite yesterday feeling very much like Monday.

“I know you only went back to work yesterday after the weekend, but that doesn’t mean that yesterday was Monday, and therefore doesn’t mean that today is Tuesday.” confirmed Simon Johnson, managing director of a company that makes calendars, “Today is in fact Wednesday. So if there is somewhere you are supposed to be on Wednesday then you might want to get there as soon as possible. Because it’s today.” Continue reading →

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by | May 6, 2014 · 6:42 pm

Jeremy Clarkson to be new Chairman of BBC as Lord Patten steps down

Jeremy_clarkson_april_2013_five

“Try sacking me now, ****ers!”

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by | · 4:20 pm

UK politics gets ever more dignified as weasel calls cock-womble an eel

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“The lies I told about Iraq were this big…”

During his phone-in on LBC today Boris Johnson, a clever man pretending to be a golden retriever pretending to be an idiot, described Tony Blair as an “eel-like customer”. And in doing so lent a fresh dignity to British politics. Continue reading →

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by | May 4, 2014 · 3:30 pm

Tom Cruise set to play title role in new Elvis Presley biopic

The King hears the news and weeps

The King hears the news and weeps

Following fevered speculation, it has been announced that Tom Cruise, the half pint sized, Hollywood legend has signed to play the part of Elvis Presley when filming of the new biopic ‘Suspicious Minds’ starts in the autumn.

News of his casting is certain to cause a backlash of indignation amongst fans of ‘The King’ but it is believed producers were swayed by his excellent miming performance in the movie ‘Rock of Ages’ and the fact that he can supply all of his own wigs.

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by | · 12:16 pm

Festivals to ban ‘legal lows’ starting with Coldplay

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In a bid to cut down on the recent trend of public misery, a group of 20 festivals have banned the use of ‘legal depressants’ such as Coldplay and Radiohead.

“Although not widely used in public some festival goers have been known to sit in their tents getting low using headphones to inject legal lows such as ‘Yellow’ or ‘Creep’ directly into their ears,” one organiser told us.

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