Council funding crisis: London being closed to save money

Some buildings are better when they’re empty

The government has arrived at a radical solution to alleviate the council funding crisis. When research confirmed that three out of five councils nationwide will have no money whatsoever by 2015 the decision was made to close London and redistribute its budget across the UK.

“It may seem like an over-reaction,” said George Osborne. “However the only alternative is for councils to radically cut their public services especially in deprived areas. Only a sociopath would advocate that.”

“London is a huge drain on the rest of the country in terms of finances, use of resources and, of course, the rampant over-production of hipsters and wankers. Closing it will save billions and give everyone else a break from the sort of idiot who thinks anywhere not inside the M25 is the third world.”

The Chancellor went on to outline what would happen to the capital’s 8.3 million residents.

“I’ve been told that people are complaining about having nowhere else to go,” he said. “But that’s nonsense. When you can’t be in town you simply go to your second home down by the sea or move in either to the Dower House on your family’s estate or whichever wing of the main house is currently free. I really can’t see what the problem is.”

London will be closed at the end of the month. Thereafter anyone wishing to replicate the experience of being there is advised to sit in an over-lit bin and set fire to all their money.