The more wealthy among us can also use the Royal Bank of Mattress
In a speech at the University of London later on today, Labour leader Ed Miliband will criticise the current culture of banks being too big to fail and outline his plans for financial reform, a key part of which being that everyone should simply keep their money in a sock until this whole mess blows over. Continue reading
Plan will also make The North more prosperous.
Nearly 100 Tory MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150 miles North-West into the Atlantic.
“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading
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Filed under Economy, Europe, International News, News, Politics
It’s a Super Off-Peak!
Almost 750 train tickets have been bought via the Help to Buy train ticket guarantee scheme, the government has said.
The UK-wide initiative, which started in October, lets people buy single and return train tickets with a deposit as small as 5% of the total crippling cost, with the remainder of the loan backed by the taxpayer in case the traveller defaults or oversleeps.
Liberal Democrat Vince Cable recently said the scheme should be reassessed in light of a “raging ticket price bubble” which has seen some popular fares increase by 500% every few days, but Prime Minister David Cameron maintained that it is preventing people from being frozen out of the train ticket market. Continue reading
Office commode offers genuine alternative to self-soiling.
A firm in Harold that produces ergonomic, swivel commodes is increasing production, to meet the demands of an ever-rising retirement age.
‘Sit n’ Swivel’, Harold’s oldest commode manufacturer, is taking on two new members of staff to meet their new targets. Elsie Duggan, 86 and Harry Jones, 74, have been turfed out of the ‘Over The Hill’ retirement home and put on zero hour contracts to bolster the firm’s output.
“An ageing workforce offers some unique challenges”, explained factory owner Roland Ronsson. “But it’s better than getting teenagers in, because they complain when we put Radio 2 on.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Economy, Politics
It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.
The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced. “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement the full son-et-lumiere makeover. I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.” The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading
Is it better to forgive, or to forget?
Hello! It’s lovely of you to let me write a sermon for your long-standing and respected institution, let’s hope I don’t end up ruining it completely! I don’t have a lot of experience of not completely destroying everything I touch, but practice makes one even more perfect.
What I want to talk to you about today is something very dear to my heart: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of my faith, and not forgiving someone is nearly the same as doing the thing you haven’t forgiven me for yourself.
For instance, say a fine, upstanding member of the banking community were to accidentally take lots of drugs. Should you forgive them? My faith instinctively tells me ‘yes.’ Because not saying ‘that’s fine Paul, no real harm done, let’s forget it and move on’ means that you have effectively bought Crystal Meth off a rent boy yourself.
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Filed under Economy, From the Vicarage, Vicars
The thought of not being able to do this is too much for many to bear.
Politicians of all persuasions have spoken of their sadness that the UK can no longer build as many massive, deadly warships as it once did.
Massive, deadly warships have been a traditional part of British life for over 500 years, and a traditional part of the lives of many other countries that happen to have a shoreline.
From such historic facilities as Portsmouth, Rosyth and the Clyde, Britain has launched an endless stream of massive, deadly warships for the offspring of local families to use as killing platforms or a heroic, watery grave.
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Urangutans are delivered to ape rendering plant using low carbon transport
Following the discovery that Heinz ketchup doesn’t have any affect on rain forests, McDonald’s has announced it will phase the condiment out in favour of orangutan blood.
McDonald’s restaurants have served Heinz ketchup for over 40 years, despite the tomato-based product actually tasting of something. But now Heinz has realigned the product by popping it in the bin, and using something more typically bland that you don’t want to think about where it came from.
“Orangutans are the ideal source for orangutan blood and it’s a source that’s sustainable, for at least as long as there are orangutans”, explained Nigel Manning, the company’s head of near-human resauces. “There have been a few teething problems with this natural product being a little bit too runny, but our food scientists are busy tackling that problem.”
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Hunt: ‘swift action required’ to maximise potential of holiday let market
With winter fast approaching, Public Health England has published its Cold Weather Plan for people who have forgotten what a winter is or are too poor to do anything about it.
There are on average 24,000 excess winter deaths, many of which might be worth preventing. It’s a situation which Health Secretary Jeremy ‘Hunt’ described as ‘completely unacceptable’, ‘someone else’s fault’ and ‘a welcome boost to the housing market’.
The Plan aims to alert people to the surprising fact that cold weather in England is, on the whole, not very warm and as in previous years the Met Office will trigger cold weather alerts at five levels:
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Cold? Frankincense? Brrr.
Britain’s freezing pensioners, children and other humans are putting their Christmas lists together early this year – and there’s just one must-have item on their minds: a lump of coal.
As energy prices soar for the 238th consecutive week, many in the UK have forgotten what it’s like to feel their feet. With many families ripping out their gas pipes, selling them to gypsies and using the proceeds to switch a light on for an hour, the thought of a string of Christmas lanterns is too much to bear.
“Struggling families face a stark choice this year”, explained Harold’s vicar Tansy Forster, “between having something to eat, or switching the heating on. Fortunately, coal can satisfy both of these desires: it’s flammable and not all that undelicious if you use it to make a smoothie. But remember that legally, you mustn’t call it ‘Coke’.”
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Filed under Economy, News, Uncategorized
Supplier insists wind turbine is ‘for novelty use only’
Harold’s green credentials were called into doubt last night, as the controversial village wind turbine finally ran out of puff.
Despite the vast cost of the equipment and 3 years of legal wrangling with local pressure groups, the windmill was only operable for 40 minutes before an engineer had to be called.
Norwegian wind experts Flattus were quickly on the scene and proceeded to remove panels from the lower sections of the tower. But a quick-eyed junior cameraman from the Evening Harold snapped the guts of the equipment, revealing an estimated 40,000 AA batteries being used to power the fan.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Economy, Technology
Chance to buy recently spoiled piece of history
A post box that appeared on a bridge across the Thames has been sold off to developers for £650k. With river views, a traditional design and easy access to the road just above it, the post box conversion is already the subject of a bidding war.
“When we first saw that there was a piece of social history in Sonning that hadn’t been despoiled yet, we just had to get our cheque book out”, exclaimed builder Jeremy Castle.
“It’s just the sort of impractical, showy design that a twat from London will pay big money for”, explained Castle. “There’s even plenty of space to park a Range Rover, if you gain access through the sunroof and remember to never open the doors.”
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No man is an island. And neither is Gibraltar (check this)
Top-dollar footballer Gareth Bale has been pressed into service by his Spanish owners – but unusually, he’s now playing in defence!
With Real Madrid relying so heavily on state aid from the Spanish government, it was inevitable Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy would want a slice of the action for his record £85 million deal.
And with no game more important than the political football that is Gibraltar, it was only a matter of time before Bale was working 18 hours a week guarding the border.
Looking spick and Spanish in his fetching new uniform, it’s the first time in a while he hasn’t had his name written on the back of his shirt.
The ‘Welsh Wizard’ has thrown himself into the task with typical zeal, even attempting to read the odd passport from the queue of adoring fans. But the ruse has worked even better than Rajoy could possibly have imagined, after Bale dived when a five-year old called him ‘a meany’.
That led to a stand-off and a rain of coins from the Gibraltans: confused Spanish officials first assumed they were trying to buy him back.
But with the chaos causing a tailback of some 5 and a half hours, Bale struggled to his feet and made his trademark ‘heart’ symbol.
While the player might be able to blame his actions on contractual obligations, his family back home aren’t too happy about his borderline behaviour.
They’ve been queuing for two days now following a shopping trip to Bristol. In a tit-for-tit response to the Spanish Bale-outrage, Cameron has strapped Fernando Torres into the only functioning toll booth on the westbound Severn Bridge.
More wasteful than a panda charity.
Ailing opposition leader Ed Miliband has lost his charitable status, according to union leaders.
The GMB’s General Secretary, Paul Kenny, explained that ‘like an elderly aunt who’s riddled with cancer, the time has come to stop throwing money at a lost cause’, before adding ‘we must accept that he isn’t going to get any better’.
Since he was first discovered in 2010, Ed Miliband has absorbed millions of pounds of funding. But experts admit that they’ve found out virtually nothing about him, what he thinks or why his face doesn’t work properly.
Supporters of Miliband insist he’s not going to give in without a fight, and have released a ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture to prove he’s on the mend. But some claim the move was a catastrophic ‘own goal’, because the ‘after’ image turned out to be his brother, David.
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C’est Fin.
Following its acquisition of Nokia phones, Microsoft has surprised cartographers by withdrawing all support for Finland.
Famed for its ability to absorb popular things and then fundamentally ruin them, Microsoft has already gained valuable experience in making phones virtually unusable with its Windows 8 operating system.
But while the corporate giant has been happy with only wrecking trivial things such as Skype, video games and social media, it now feels the time is right to bugger up a whole country.
Nokia’s vice-president Stephen Elop moved to the company from Microsoft in 2010, but disappointed the software giant by making their phones slightly better. Unwilling to risk another resurgence of the once-great mobile manufacturer, Microsoft is taking immediate steps to remove all traces of Finland.
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Filed under Business, Economy, Technology
Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank
A Harold couple have caused controversy by opening a food bank for the super rich. Oofy and Lysander Eastoft reject accusations that their venture is in bad taste and say that it has been extremely popular amongst their social set which includes some of the wealthiest people in the country.
“It all started when we went to the food bank run by the church,” said Oofy, 32. “We going to get the three days emergency food that they give out and use it all for an ironic dinner party. But the vicar got majorly cross – seriously are vicars even allowed to know words like that? – and she said the food bank was only for people who were in desperate circumstances and had a voucher from their GP or social services.” Continue reading
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A better year: Dave and friends off to bag themselves a pauper or two.
From a cottage in Cornwall as he enjoys his fourth holiday of the summer, David Cameron has spoken of his regret that his ‘phenomenally bad back’ ruined his third holiday on the Island of Jura as it prevented him from taking part in one of his favourite sports – hunting the poor.
The Prime Minister has previously called poor hunting one of the most defensible field sports and is known to have been an enthusiast since his Eton days when he was a member of the Eton College Stalkers and regularly strode out with the school’s hounds in the pursuit of anyone whose standard of living left them marginalised and socially excluded. Continue reading
‘Wedding video’ was widely watched.
A womaniser from Harold’s Shippam’s Estate is celebrating tonight, after securing his eighth full year of paternity leave. Dave Grobbelaar, 27, received the happy news by text message from ‘girlfriend’ Sandy Twittock, while feeling up her sister in the snug of The Squirrel Licker’s Arms.
While Grobbelaar claims to be ‘an all-round handyman’, those too close to him claim he’s inexperienced with all but one tool. Confirmed father of around 15% of the local population, Grobbelaar now has his own parking space at the Tarbuck antenatal clinic.
“Being a serial father can be a risky business”, claimed Grobbelaar, ‘you can’t rely on paternity leave, unless you’re sure the mum is working.”
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Mr Miliband insists he is a valued member of the team, despite spending 98% of his time in a box.
Following an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Evening Harold has discovered that Labour leader Ed Miliband is employed on a ‘zero hours’ contract.
Despite ostensibly having a proper job that excludes him from claiming benefits, data shows that the MP for Doncaster North has done less than 35 minutes paid work in the last 3 years.
“It’s not ideal, but I have a strong work ethic”, insisted Miliband. “I’m prepared to do what it takes to stay on the job ladder. Obviously, it would be nice to feel wanted and to have something to say, but I must emphasise: for those 35 minutes, I was fully committed to leading an effective opposition.”
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Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable
Duncan Smith said the idea came to him when he visited the Westminster McDonalds and he noticed that none of the employee of the month winners were still working there.
“There they were posing in a photo with a McDonalds uniform, a silly hat, and a forced smile” said Duncan Smith. “Obviously the humiliation of it all meant they soon got another job and left. We thought the same concept could work with beneficiaries.”
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