Food bank for the super-rich opens so they can enjoy austerity ‘fun’

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

A Harold couple have caused controversy by opening a food bank for the super rich. Oofy and Lysander Eastoft reject accusations that their venture is in bad taste and say that it has been extremely popular amongst their social set which includes some of the wealthiest people in the country.

“It all started when we went to the food bank run by the church,” said Oofy, 32. “We going to get the three days emergency food that they give out and use it all for an ironic dinner party. But the vicar got majorly cross – seriously are vicars even allowed to know words like that? – and she said the food bank was only for people who were in desperate circumstances and had a voucher from their GP or social services.”

“We were absolutely gutted because food banks are so popular now,” Lysander, 37, told us. “Did you know that since Cameron got in the number of people relying on them has risen from 45,000 to 350,000? It’s such a growth industry so we thought with austerity being so hot right now why not open a food bank that lets our friends get in on the fun?”

The couple hired global advertising agency SnapDragon who after six months and £500,000 came up with the name Food: The Bank which the Eastofts hail as mind-blowing example of creative thought.

“We’ve kept it real,” said Oofy. “We give our customers handwritten vouchers in these incredible bespoke leather wallets and then they pretend to queue up for a few minutes which some have said has totally given them an insight into poverty and they all find the cheap plastic bags we use – we managed to source some like we saw at the church – a real scream! At other food banks you get non-brand cornflakes and a tinned pie or something at Food: The Bank we give our customers three days of essentials including Culatello di Zibello, donkey cheese and white truffles. Some food banks charge a token payment of £1:50 – we charge £12,000.”

Flush with the success of Food: The Bank Oofy and Lysander have plans to build on their social disadvantage theme.

“We got this building in Dunstable for pennies,” crowed Lysander. “And we’re going to create an exclusive nightclub. To keep out the riff-raff there will be actors dressed as nurses and everyone who wants to come in will be assessed to see if they are fit for entrance. It’ll be so funny – Club Atos is going to be mega.”