“Keep your money in a sock”: Miliband outlines plans for banking reform

The more wealthy among us can also use the Royal Bank of Mattress

In a speech at the University of London later on today, Labour leader Ed Miliband will criticise the current culture of banks being too big to fail and outline his plans for financial reform, a key part of which being that everyone should simply keep their money in a sock until this whole mess blows over.

While he will also talk about putting a cap on the size of banks and introducing more competition the bulk of his speech will be given over to sockonomics.

“Under a Labour government,” Miliband will say. “You will no longer be serving the banks. Instead, the sock will be serving you.”

Sockonomics is based on two principals. One: you must keep your sock at home. However tempting it may be do not hand your sock over to someone who works either in the City or at Canary Wharf and promises to look after it wisely. That way lies madness and an £850 billion tax-payer funded bailout. Two: the sock offers no debit or credit cards. Carrying a heavy lump of notes and coins around makes sockonomics not only an effective method of cutting back on personal spending but also a great way to keep fit.

“We need a reckoning with our banking system, not for retribution, but for reform,” Miliband will say before paraphrasing Matthew 7:24. “This is about being smart with our money and in control of our money. And like the wise man we too must build our house upon the sock.”

The coalition government have already been critical about the contents of Miliband’s speech with George Osborne saying “Me no like. George angry” then making the oft-repeated Tory threat that any attempt at banking regulation will result in bankers leaving the UK. Thereafter his words were smothered by the profound silence of many people trying to work out exactly why this would be a bad thing.