Do I look like I want a pink collar?
Tiddles’ owner, Hilda Merton aged 78, and who owns 12 other cats, said she couldn’t understand why Tiddles was so depressed, especially after she had recently bought him a lovely pink collar with a pretty sounding bell.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Nature
Mayor Jackson in reflective mood.
The Mayor of the village of Harold has vowed not to resign, despite police confirmation that they have a video of him apparently eating a local pensioner.
Mayor Rufus D Jackson, who had previously denied being a murderous man-eating monster, appeared emotional as he insisted to journalists this morning that “a few isolated bouts of cannibalism” should not prevent him from doing his job.
After months of ducking the question, Mr Jackson acknowledged at a press conference outside Harold’s butcher supplies emporium that he had merely “eaten one or two people” while “really really hungry”.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Food, Lifestyle, Politics
Snooping at people through net curtains ‘defends people’s freedoms’, the head of Harold’s Neighbourhood Watch (HNW) has told the council’s ‘nosey bastards select committee’.
Janice Logan, Chief Executive of HNW, told the committee that since she took charge in 2010, her organisation has disrupted 3 cases of anti-social behaviour, identified the mystery dog owner that left their dog’s ‘suspicious packages’ all over the village without clearing them up, and had set-up surveillance on five separate bedrooms to counter the threat affairs may have on the local divorce rate.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News
The UK’s ability to effectively deal with terrorists was dealt another blow after the European Court of Justice ruled that it was unconstitutional and basically bad form to burn Guy Fawkes for the 407th year in a row.
The European Court noted that it was satisfied that Guy Fawkes was correctly found guilty of being Catholic, and hence a little burning was required, but said 407 times was excessive and amounted to torture or, at the very least, a breach of European clean air guidelines relating to open fires.
In a move that has inflamed public opinion, the Court has not only halted Guy Fawkes impending immolation, but has also said he must be released on bail.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
Eight out of ten cat owners have complained that their moggies have started to emit a smell similar to that of a new laptop computer.
Although the pong, first reported in September, has been identified by boffins as being identical to Dell’s Latitude 6430u laptop, experts are baffled by the cause of the ‘Dell Smell’ phenomenon. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News
Have you ever wondered how to dispose of excess cooking fat without clogging the sewers or your arteries?
Do you wish you George Foreman grill could be a ‘lean, green, death reducing, smugness machine’?
Well, Harold council have the solution to all your problems this winter with their new
‘Recycle Your Fat And Save a Skinny’ campaign
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Filed under Around Harold, Food
He doesn’t mind racing in countries with human rights issues, but he won’t race south of the river
Following Sebastian Vettel’s fourth Formula 1 world championship win in India, a local taxi driver has launched a scathing attack on the German saying “driving round in circles in a 200mph car is easy, he should try the M25 on a Friday lunchtime in a Ford Mondeo filled with a fragranced cloud of Magic Tree vanilla.”
Claiming he could do better with his eyes closed, Tommy Alwright from Harold continued his verbal assassination of Vettel’s achievement by comparing the standard of conversation each driving professional has to endure.
“If all I had to do was get from one place to another with someone telling me my tyres are okay and that I just need to go round again, life for this ‘real’ driver would be a piece of piss. But you get Christian Horner to ask him if he’s been busy at the beginning of every lap and see how long it is before he cracks.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport
A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.
The government has received a large boost in opinion polls with the announcement of the new prams in coffee shops tax.
“We believe in helping hard-working Britons,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “And our new tax will allow people who only have a few minutes to leave their workplace and grab a caffeinated beverage of their choice to be able to do so without being forced to fight their way into coffee shops stuffed with prams the size of shire horses or having to queue for ages as a parent insists on their three year old doing the ordering and paying no matter how long this takes or how many people are waiting to be served so said three year old can ‘have a learning experience’.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
What goes up, must stay up.
In an attempt to avoid increasing energy bills, Harold resident, Julie Kettle, has found herself back with her original energy provider after assiduously following Government advice by changing suppliers six times in three weeks to take advantage of the apparent competition.
“At the start of this my provider was SSE,” said Mrs Kettle, “so I was rather distraught when they announced that they were pushing up their bills by 8.2%. The last straw for me was when they announced that their Economy 7 tariff was now going to become ‘Economy 7.57’ in line with the price rise.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
The councillor’s other plan to paint all the squirrels red and get Harold declared a wildlife haven is thought to be equally doomed. It’s harder than you might think to paint a squirrel. Trust us, we know. We’re not proud of this but we do know.
A local councillor has expressed disappointment after his bid for a reduction in road fuel duty was rejected by bureaucrats in Brussels. ‘Apparently, we’re simply not remotely rural enough,’ said Councillor Crossley.
Factors cited by Brussels in rejecting the claim were the lack of any significant distance from one place to another within the general area or any long views or muddy pathways stretching across miles of vast, open wilderness. But mainly it was because the application was sent in late. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
This one’s laughed so hard it’s fallen over
Badgers across the UK are currently laughing themselves moist over the panic about false widow spiders.
“It’s hilarious. The government made out that we were public enemy number one,” said Harold badger Manky Kevin. “Now you humans think a spider nip can make your cock drop off you’re not so worried about us possibly giving a few cows a bit of a cold, are you?” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers
Out of my way sonny!
The breakthrough GPS technology maps all the common routes taken by the driver so it can then automatically indicate when the driver retraces one of their common routes, like popping down to the Post Office to queue just when everyone else is taking their lunch break. If the elderly driver for some reason takes a new route, the GPS will defensively indicate both left and right so that other drivers know to beware.
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Filed under Around Harold, Technology
Teenage lads lurking on the recreation ground: much less scary than when in hoodies and baseball caps.
Under ancient village law a proposal to ban wearing the niqab within the boundaries of Harold resulted in everyone wearing one.
“A couple recently moved to the village and in a first for this community she wears the niqab,” explained Councillor Nina O’Neill. “Unfortunately someone made a complaint to the council so we invoked Suck it and See a fourteenth century bylaw that states that for a week villagers have to engage in the activity being complained about in order to create an informed opinion.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Religion
Supplier insists wind turbine is ‘for novelty use only’
Harold’s green credentials were called into doubt last night, as the controversial village wind turbine finally ran out of puff.
Despite the vast cost of the equipment and 3 years of legal wrangling with local pressure groups, the windmill was only operable for 40 minutes before an engineer had to be called.
Norwegian wind experts Flattus were quickly on the scene and proceeded to remove panels from the lower sections of the tower. But a quick-eyed junior cameraman from the Evening Harold snapped the guts of the equipment, revealing an estimated 40,000 AA batteries being used to power the fan.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Economy, Technology
A village council in Buckinghamshire have decided to axe its team of three traffic wardens in the latest rounds of budget cuts. The move by Harold council is set to save the taxpayers £66,000 a year.
Unlike similar cuts in other areas, local residents have started a petition to keep the parking enforcement officers, saying they are so nice, helpful and courteous people. “They are always willing to help, and have often saved me a space outside my café” Pippa Delaney told us.
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Move along, nothing to see here
Harold’s Women’s Institute has formally apologised for a misunderstanding which lead to great disappointment for members and potential members alike.
“My apologies to all who came expecting the advertised lecture on dogging at our August meeting.” explained WI Chair Jane Moorhead “It seems that a simple spellchecking and proof reading error had replaced the original ‘dog-walking’”.
“Full marks to our guest speaker Daphne Rogers though, whose inspiring talk on her work with the RNIBin Dunstable did much to dispel the evident frustration of some more vocal members and their, uninvited, husbands.
“Just a few procedural points here for some WI members, who really should know better. Booing is never acceptable, nor is throwing things, particularly at the speaker. Finally, we’re exempt from the Equality Act so husbands or male partners may only attend specific events. No names, no pack drill, Alice.”
Given the level of interest though, Moorhead wants to hear from anyone able to give a talk on dogging. “We’ve slot in October, which may be a better bet than August. The clocks will have gone back by then but the pub car park lighting will probably still be out”.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing? No idea, but I’m looking forward to finding out.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized
Fruit machine runs jelly bean and supports candy crush
Harold’s favourite and only pub has inched closer to the busiest street in the village…it’s now uncomfortably close to the information super highway (or ‘internet’, as your kids may know it).
Eddie, landlord at the Squirrellicker’s Arms, has embraced the world of smartphones and tablets and proudly showed off the latest upgrade to his operating system.
“It’s not all beer and scratchings”, revealed Eddie, “it’s not even all cider and pickled eggs. The inebriated of Harold are demanding more, and I think I’ve got the gist of it.”
Despite not having a phoneline, Eddie has been offering free wifi for ages thanks to a sign he had made by the blacksmith. But when a visitor complained that he couldn’t connect his iPad to the service, Eddie soon learned that it takes more than a staplegun and duct tape.
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Filed under Around Harold, Technology
Cute or extreme threat to village safety?
Mister Super Paws the kitten who spends his days being adorable in the window of Lacrymans & Co estate agents on the High Street has divided the village of Harold with his adorable antics.
“Thing is,” said Doris Kettle. “It’s obvious that Mister Super Paws loves playing with his rainbow coloured fish toy the most and anyone who says that that’s not true and he prefers his pink ball with a bell in it is a heretic.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
No I don’t play the piano, just give me the wire
“Obviously I am unhappy with being sacked, but my decision to buy all the piano wire in North East England is looking genius.”
Di Canio, who doesn’t play the piano, said he first realised his position was under threat when 30 strong groups of Sunderland fans started surrendering to lone policemen.
“It was clear the fans had lost their bottle, our chances of invading North Africa were pretty slim if we couldn’t slightly alarm the likes of Crystal Palace and West Bromwich Albion.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport
Am I straigh? Straigh? A my? Straigh am I?…oh.
Comments Off on Council clarifies ‘drunk tank’ still needs designated driver
Filed under Around Harold, Politics, Technology
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