‘One dead badger does not make you a rural community’ EU tells Harold


The councillor’s other plan to paint all the squirrels red and get Harold declared a wildlife haven is thought to be equally doomed. It’s harder than you might think to paint a squirrel. Trust us, we know. We’re not proud of this but we do know.

A local councillor has expressed disappointment after his bid for a reduction in road fuel duty was rejected by bureaucrats in Brussels.  ‘Apparently, we’re simply not remotely rural enough,’ said Councillor Crossley.

Factors cited by Brussels in rejecting the claim were the lack of any significant distance from one place to another within the general area or any long views or muddy pathways stretching across miles of vast, open wilderness.  But mainly it was because the application was sent in late.

‘The trouble was, they needed a video to accompany the application and all we had was my lad’s Nokia, which didn’t really do justice to the more rural aspects of the village setting,’ explained Councillor Crossley, ‘to achieve that, you know, Serengeti feel to the movie.  And we sent it in late on purpose with a note attached saying “Sorry, but we’re so remote and rural and isolated and frequently cut off, we only just heard about it.”  But they’ve no sense of irony, have they?’

It was in fact by chance, the councillor said, that he heard about the fuel duty initiative in the first place.  ‘Mrs Crossley got back from work saying she just heard on Radio 4 that Hawes in North Yorkshire will be benefitting from the scheme.  She was disgusted and then got absolutely furious with me for suggesting it might be worth the round trip.’

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