Category Archives: Around Harold

Post-It Notes cosmetics range ‘perfect for busy working mums’

bitofslap

Beauty is only paper thin.

Stationery giants Post-It Notes have launched a range of peel-on-and-off cosmetics, for women who put more of a priority on ‘me time’ than ‘face time’.

Claiming to put ‘the slap back into slap’, blemishes are now a thing of the past, once a square of pre-gummed paper has been banged over the offending area.

Available in a choice of colours and easily reused, the range includes concealers, tanning squares and a selection of indelible eyebrows.

“The latest trend for people to remove their real eyebrows and then draw them back in with a marker pen got us thinking”, said Post-It’s head reminderologist Felicity Hamilton. “It can be really hard using a permanent Sharpie in a mirror, especially if you’re a klutz. A lot of bleary-eyed ladies are tending to go out these days looking like badly drawn morons.”
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Commuters embrace ‘High Speed Footpath 2’

HSFP2

High Speed Foot Path ‘inconvenient’ claim local residents

Villagers are set to shave over 10 minutes off the journey time to Dunstable, thanks to investment in a new High Speed Footpath.

The footpath, which has taken nearly 25 years to build, has gaps in the security fences for pedestrians to join or leave at each end.

“You can stop in the middle if you want to, but you can’t actually get off”, explained Cllr Ron Ronsson. “That means HSFP2 frees up capacity on other more crowded footpaths. Those in the high street, for instance. particularly the bit outside Poundland. Why would you waste your time ambling around there, when you could be wooshing back and forth between Harold and Dunstable?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics, Transport

Sizzling bacon flavour air freshener proving popular with laundry workers

They contain dangerous toxins and absolutely NO fresh air.

They contain dangerous toxins and absolutely NO fresh air.

Harold inventor Simon Delaney’s new household sprays have brought a ‘breath of fresh air into our homes’.  That’s the verdict on Simon’s new range of pork-based air fresheners given by workers at Dunstable Cotton Laundry.

“I work all day in an atmosphere of freshly-laundered cotton,” said Marge Pellet, “so the last thing I need when I get home is to find my husband has sprayed the entire bungalow with Tesco’s Cotton Fresh air spray.  Men, eh?”

But Delaney’s new Frying Rindless Back Rashers flavour air freshener has brought Marge a new sense of joy when she returns from work and may even have saved her marriage.  “I used to linger outside, picking up twigs and straightening the bins, but now I catch that distinctive whiff of a bacon butty coming down the path and I can’t wait to get indoors and sink my teeth into something meaty,” she said.

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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Around Harold, Europe, Farming, Lifestyle

‘Help for Zeroes’ charity launched

topsecretstamp

Maybe this is a bit of a giveaway to photographers looking for a story

The Ministry of Defence is supporting a new charity to help those ministers and senior civil servants who have difficulty walking in public without displaying papers to the cameras of waiting journalists.

‘Help for Zeroes’ was named in recognition of the lowest number of active brain cells held by an idiot leaving a  briefing session in Downing Street, carrying Top Secret documents face-outwards. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, International News, News, Politics

Harriet Harman says allegation she bought the Daily Mail a ‘vicious smear’

Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun

Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun

Labour Deputy Leader Harriet Harman has branded allegations she bought a copy of the Daily Mail in 1978 a ‘vicious smear’.

The Daily Mail purchase allegations have been swirling around Harman for weeks, and until yesterday her only comment was that the story was ‘ridiculous and untrue’. But revelations that a copy of the Daily Mail was in her flat in 1978 forced Harman to be more forthcoming.

“Yes it is true that there was a copy of the Daily Mail in my flat in 1978 but it was already there before I moved in” said Harman on Newsnight. “And none of my flatmates would have actually bought the Daily Mail – I think they shoplifted it and bought it back for bog paper or something”.
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Which chess piece are you? Take our test!

chess dilemmaDo you like chess?

Do you have an affinity with a particular cheese piece?

Are you a horsey, a tall one with a nobble on top or are you one of the small ones?

Take our quiz and find out!

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Filed under Advertisments, Around Harold, Culture

Portable ‘midget magistrates’ to deliver on-the-spot justice?

midgetstrate

The Law is Just Above an Arse.

The Police Association has reacted angrily to plans to house magistrates in police stations, claiming they wouldn’t be ‘on-the-spot enough’.

Instead, they want to see officers carrying tiny judges with them, either in back packs or a proper legal case.

The Truncheon Foundation, a forward-leaning police think-tank, is some of the brain behind the suggestion. It believes that by only employing magistrates considerably under 5-foot tall, police officers wouldn’t struggle to carry the judicial system.

“By adopting the ‘midgetstrate’, Britain’s police would be more efficient”, said PC Flegg. “Think of it as a cross between RoboCop, Judge Dredd and Jeremy Kyle.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, Politics

Salmond says Scots can keep hating the English after ‘yes’ vote

Cameron-SalmondSNP leader and pro-independence campaigner Alex Salmond reacted furiously to suggestions from Tory, Labour, and Lib-Dem leaders that Scots will no longer be able to hate the English if the Scots vote ‘yes’ to independence. This is a crucial issue as the ‘currency of hate’ of the English is considered the glue that binds Scottish people together.

“It’s blatant scaremongering – they are bluffing” thundered Salmond. “Even though we will no longer be able to hate the English because we are ruled by the Tory b*stards, we can hate them for plenty of other reasons. We can hate them for their crooked bankers, aggressive warmongering, and David Bowie. We can hate them for warm beer, bowler hats, and Alistair Carmichael. And we can still hate David Cameron for his slimy false promises and huge shiny forehead.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Villagers protest as Tony Blair opens traditional warmongers

warmongers

Blair’s warmongery stocks a range of traditional tin blood baths.

Tony Blair has moved to Harold and opened a traditional little warmongers, with organic biological weapons and free-range dossiers a speciality.

But locals are worried that the business could affect house prices, particularly if a bomb should go off.

‘Deng of Iniquity: Warmongery to the discerning despot’ has taken over the premises of Harold’s cancer research shop. It’s also been knocked through to the neighbouring chippy, after Blair heard that ‘The Stephen Fryer’ held large stocks of oil.

Some residents have been more welcoming to Blair than others; Cllr Ron Ronnson was one of the first to greet him. “Lovely to meet you, did you bring any money?”, Blair joked. “I won’t shake hands if you don’t mind. I’ve got blood on them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics, War

Do you like cheese? Take our test!

cheese dilemma

Don’t leave it to chance!

Do you like cheese?

Are you a cheeseophile or a cheeseophobe? Or are you one of a number of people who are cheese-indifferent? Take our quiz and find out!
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Filed under Around Harold, science

Man not stabbed, run over or struck by lightning ‘lucky’ say police

luckyguy

Cassidy also somehow managed to avoid spontaneous human combustion.

A local man who has avoided any life-threatening misfortune has been described as ‘lucky’ during a police press conference.

23 year-old Adam Cassidy spends much of his time indoors looking at a computer, which PC Flegg thinks may have contributed to his ‘amazing survival’.

“His human spirit is indomitable, nothing that the fates throw at him seem to faze him at all”, said Flegg. “Although to be fair, they haven’t really thrown all that much.”

So far this year, the plucky youngster has avoided dying from a peanut allergy, having his legs broken by swans and having his face eaten by a highly localised outbreak of the Ebola virus.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

“Cutting benefits part of a moral mission”, fibs Cameron

pinocchio-daveThere were a few errors fibs in David Cameron’s welfare speech published today so the Evening Harold offers readers a corrected version.

David Cameron says he is giving unemployed Britons “new hope and responsibility” *snigger* by cutting benefit payments bank excesses and claims his welfare banking reforms are part of a “moral mission” for the country.

The Prime Minister’s comments were in response to Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic, the Most Rev Vincent Vince Nichols, who said recent changes had left many in “hunger and destitution” *well ship some gold panels over from the Vatican then Vince*.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics

‘Stop comparing everything to Syria you bell-end’ say acquaintances of local bell-end

sad faceA local reaction-seeker has been urged to stop mentioning Syria in ripostes to every single problem villagers bring up in conversation.

From subsidence to flooding, from car breakdowns to dogs with impacted anal glands, every grumble is directly compared by Allan Hostage to the situation in Homs.

“Thanks to the storms, my house has flooded for the first time in 60 years”, said pensioner Elsie Duggan. “At my age, it’s a difficult thing to go through.”

“But when I mentioned it in Sally’Z Cut’z while she was topping up my blue rinse, Hostage appeared from nowhere and said ‘it was nothing compared with the plight of the Syrian people’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Social media, Technology, War

GM potatoes ‘can now fight and kill small mammals’

gm-potatoes

“Perfectly harmless”

British scientists have developed genetically modified potatoes that have sufficient intelligence and teeth to fight off small mammals.

For years farmers have been blighted by having their potatoes eaten by mice and rats, and have had to invest heavily in traps and poison. Now, after a three year trial run by Harold village scientist Bjorn ‘Three Fingers’ Bjornsson, a strain of potato has been engineered which is practically invulnerable to field animals and hungry tramps.

Following an EU investigation into the potential for terrifying biotechnology to protect crops, scientists at the John Horse Memorial Laboratory began a trial of savage nightmare potatoes in 2010. An early setback ensued when all the trial potatoes escaped one cloudy moonless night, leading to friction with locals and the mysterious disappearance of every cat in the village. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, science

Man blames ‘faulty’ service station flowers for Valentine’s Day sex failure

flowersA 57 year old Harold man has gone to social media to highlight how his Valentine’s Day was ruined because of faulty flowers and chocolates purchased from the local Shell Station.

Local councillor Ron Ronsson says the flowers and chocolates seemed ok when he purchased them on the way home from the pub at 11pm on Valentine’s Day. But they deteriorated so badly on the 15 minute walk home that by the time he handed them to his wife, she threw them straight back in his face.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Dating, Lifestyle, Sex

Owner of zoo for inbred animals accused of nepotism

bigshoeidiot

Rhino horn?Attempts to widen gene pool have been unsuccessful.

A zoo for inbred animals has been criticised by an audit, which found most of the staff shared the same surname.

Harold’s Incestuous Petting Zoo is a favourite tourist attraction in Bedfordshire, although most visitors learn less about genetics than they do about mocking the afflicted.

Amongst the attractions is a sealion with a hare lip, a hare with a sealion lip, a family of monobrowed otters, a very slow loris and an elephant with a big shoe.
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature

Bible Society ‘largely ignorant’ of Harry Potter stories

Potter

Some Christians ‘entirely ignorant’ of what’s in his wand.

Children and parents have warned of ‘widespread ignorance’ of Potter lore amongst the members of the Bible Society.

A small number of the organization have never heard of Dumbledore, let alone Hagrid, Hermione or Viktor Krum.

The study revealed a generation of middle-aged adults with little knowledge of the most important Harry Potter stories. A high proportion of these people were observed to wear cardigans.

“Harry Potter has a huge influence on modern society”, claimed muggle Melanie Hostage. “It’s as relevant today as it was 16 years ago. It provides us with some guidelines on how we should treat other people, if we’re too stupid to work it out for ourselves without the help of a barely believable story.”
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Oscar nominations dominated by people’s bloody Facebook movies

faceoscar

We can’t get enough of them!

A shock late rush of Oscar nominations has been announced, consisting entirely of a large selection of those fascinating “My Facebook movie” movies.

These videos are automatically generated by Facebook from a fairly random choice out of all the photos and words you’ve ever posted on the site.

As you’d expect from Facebook, the quality of the resulting movies is so outstanding that the Oscar judges have been obliged to cancel the nominations for all the ‘traditional’ movies this year, replacing them with the artistically superior Facebook ones.

Upcoming Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres spoke today of her joy that ‘American Hustle’, ‘Gravity’ and ‘Captain Phillips’ are being replaced by Melanie Delaney’s uncompromising ‘My Facebook Movie’, Kevin Ronsson’s enchanting ‘My Facebook Movie’, and experimental art-house/Dogme epic ‘My Facebook Movie’ from Simon Kettle (aged 14). Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Technology

Protesters call for ban on Chinese GM ‘super cows’

GM cows

Large, or really close? – GM Super Cows are ‘upsettingly big’ claim protesters

Huge, genetically modified cows that were created using rat genes have brought howls of protests at a local farm.

Standing at over three metres tall and weighing as much as five tonnes, each cow can produce around 180 litres of milk a day.

The mega cattle were initially conceived to get round EC milk quotas, which are based on the number of heads in a herd. But despite quotas being phased out the moo-sive cows are gaining popularity, this time as a simple show of farming might.

The cows were produced by China’s burgeoning biotech sector, combining genes from a regular Holstein-Friesian cow and a rat. “Rats have an amazing property: they never stop growing”, explained head of research at Deng Bio, Dr Wei Tsao. “By combining this trait with the highly productive Holstein, we have created an enormous cow with lucrative udders.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Farming, Technology

Local simpleton claims flooding ’caused by rain’

rain

Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.

An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.

Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.

“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”

Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, environment, Pagans