Cat or bagpipe? Experts can tell just by blowing into it.
Council health officials have confirmed that a suspected cat with TB was actually just a feral set of bagpipes.
Residents had complained about a wretched animal with rasping, asthmatic breath which had left many unable to sleep. “It went right through you, I felt so sorry for the little fella”, said local Pippa Delaney. “But at the same time, I sort of wanted to kill it.”
Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Health, Pets
“Not the box set!”
After complaints from the literary establishment against the new policy of banning prison inmates from receiving books, protests have now spread to relatives of the prisoners, who have found to their discomfort that all reading material must be smuggled inside by the usual channels, specifically the rectum.
Anal contraband is a part of everyday prison life, but the items smuggled have usually been rather smaller than, say, a 759-page copy of the last Harry Potter novel, and relatives are finding themselves stretched as never before. Continue reading
Following years of research, scientists have conceded defeat and admitted they are unable to determine the point of New Zealand.
“Most countries have a purpose,” Mark Lamms, leader of the research programme said. “A ‘raison d’être’ if you will, like France’s ability to give us pretentious phrases to substitute for English ones. But New Zealand has yet to show us its unique selling point.”
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Filed under International News
Here at the Evening Harold, like a Tory MP we have our fingers in many places. That’s why we can bring you this extract from Conservative MP and former PPS Mark Menzies’ blog: ‘My week in Westminster’
Well, it has certainly been busy in Parliament this week.
Firstly during Prime Minister’s Question Time I urged the Prime Minister to continue to support Typhoon exports to secure the future of BAE Systems’ Warton site, while also reminding him of the quality of the company’s Fylde-based apprentices. Then I popped out to meet with Rogerio Santos. Young Roger entered the UK lawfully and so, as an elected representative of the UK, I decided to repay the compliment.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics, Sex
The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has taken a positive step to address concerns over the lack of noise from the formula’s new V6 engine. Today’s Malaysian Grand Prix saw Sebastian Vettel’s moaning recorded ready to played out of the cars at the next race.
The tractor-like noise that comes from the new engines is a lot less ‘thrilling’ than the previous power units according to critics who say F1 will suffer from the lack of a high-pitched, almost unbearable whining sound every time a car screeches past.
However many noticed that same high-pitched, almost unbearable whining sound was still emanating from one of the Red Bulls, but with a slight German accent.
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Filed under Sport, Technology
Not so much as a pooper scooper.
Pest control officers are struggling to cope with a growing number of dangerous mythical creatures around Harold.
Already this week, Elvis Smith has been called out to tackle a Cerberus and five centaurs, and one vague description of a pegasus.
“Fortunately the Cerberus turned out to be a man walking three dogs at once”, revealed Smith, “and the centaurs were all girls on ponies. But it’s only a matter of time before I have to deal with something properly incredible. The council ought to give me some magical armour, or a super power or something.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, Law and Order
With a group of Manchester United fans paying for a plane to fly a ‘Moyes Out’ banner over Old Trafford this afternoon, details have emerged of a counter-protest banner showing support for the Scotsman paid for by fans of the other 91 league clubs.
The banner – which reads ‘ignore them David – you’re doing great’ – will fly round Old Trafford during United’s match with Aston Villa, and is designed to show the support he has from everyone else in the country.
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Filed under Sport
“Lucky buggers”
However, when Harold couple, Chantel and Dave Brooke, felt their marriage was a in a rut and becoming a little too secure, they looked around for a solution that would loosened the shackles of marriage. Since they had no wish to become totally decoupled they hit upon the idea of having their two year marriage downgraded to the status of civil partnership. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News
Don’t hold out for that invite, Bernard…
Following BBC research revealing that 20% of people would refuse to attend a gay wedding, another poll coincidentally found the same percentage of people “simply too drab and awful” to get an invitation to one anyway.
The BBC Radio survey on the eve of legislation allowing same-sex marriage in England and Wales also found that fat, stupid men were nearly twice as likely to be kept away as slim, funny attractive people like us.
The poll of 1,007 people found 68% agreed gay marriage should be permitted, with 32% too wrapped up in wallowing in their own filth to respond. Continue reading
The Conservative Party logo during the Major years
Disenchanted voters have been complaining about the lack of sex scandals within the current Tory party.
“It’s disappointing,” complained Harold support worker Mark Keen. “This lot are so into telling us all how to live and going on about family this and decent, honest people that that by now you’d’ve thought at least half of them would’ve been caught trousers down or skirt up in a petting zoo.”
Not equipped for work? Legally she can now make you go job hunting in your pants.
In a surprise move Iain Duncan Smith has announced that Atos, the company whose callousness made Lord Voldemort look like Michael Palin, will be replaced by “some PE teachers.”
“I’m not wearing any makeup!”
Computer gaming enthusiasts have spoken of their excitement that the new Virtual Reality headset ‘Oculus Rift’ could bring an enhanced virtual world where life is better than reality, largely because it could be a world where Facebook never existed.
“Just imagine it,” purred Call of Duty champion Darren Wheatley. “A world of infinite scope, where physical boundaries mean nothing and the impossible is everyday. And there are no sodding Candy Crush invites.”
Virtual Reality has been the elusive holy grail of human/machine interface design since the very first computers, when scientists were only dimly aware that there would one day be an endless dirge of witless memes and boring ex-colleagues to escape from.
“I’ve tried it, and it’s a life-changer,” insisted Elder Scrolls expert Mark Rogers. “It’s a cliche, but you’re really there. And you know what’s not there? Effing Facebook.”
One factor which may however be a slight cloud on the horizon is the fact that the company behind Oculus Rift has actually just been bought by Facebook, which introduces the slight possibility that everything will quickly get bollocksed up beyond belief.
Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg was characteristically upbeat about the purchase, dismissing concerns that his giant slimy octopus of a company is certain to drag all hopes and dreams into its slathering maw. Speaking to journalists this morning, he insisted:
“It’s going to be special. We have the finance to back this, and we really can make it work. A whole new world of online interaction will open up, this could be the start of a new universe of interpersonal engagement.”
“And in this new universe, there won’t be any fucking Facebook, how awesome is that? Sorry?”
Filed under Technology
Atos will now spend its time smoking fags in front of a big telly.
Atos, a wheezing, fat company that scrounges cash from the government, has declared itself unfit for work.
The decision came after the firm failed to find its arse with both hands, and sweated to the point of passing out when asked to walk past a big pile of money.
“Atos has never really been capable of doing a great job”, admitted its employer Ian Duncan Smith. “But to be fair, that’s never really stopped me.”
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Filed under breaking news, Economy, Health, Politics
Who wouldn’t want this hair? Oh, everyone. Okay then.
Following in the rumoured to be freakishly small and girl-like footsteps of Kim Jong-un, Mayor of London and Womble-that’s-let-itself-go made flesh Boris Johnson has issued a proclamation stating that all men in the capital must henceforth have the same haircut as him.
Nigel Farage has been accused of cheating following the LBC EU debate this evening. The Ukip leader has been forced to deny having a stooge in the debate and said the person accused of being placed in the room to make him look good was actually Nick Clegg.
The debate over the UK’s membership of Europe was the first of two, with the second happening next week, and was designed to be between two leaders on the pros and cons of membership.
But David Cameron and Ed Miliband both declined the opportunity so Farage and Clegg took part instead.
Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Visitors can earn Clubcard points just by staring at the monstrosity.
Lawyers for Tesco are celebrating a famous victory, after successfully imposing a massive superstore on a model village.
‘Lillyharold’, a miniature village filled with tudor cottages, duck ponds and a perfectly-to-scale plague pit, has delighted visitors for over 50 years.
But now tourists are finding themselves drawn to a monstrous glass-and-steel carbuncle, stifling interest in the nearby greengrocers, butchers and turn-of-the-century phone shop.
Capability Evans has tended Lillyharold for the past 25 years, and is devastated by the effect the small enormous Tesco has had.
Filed under Around Harold, Business
The right arm and upper thighs were bad, but the missing head was the real Photoshop fail
“Photoshop-free selfies? Next thing you’ll be suggesting we eat!” laughed a model who is size 8 in real life and size 2 in photoshop. “Oh, you mean you’re serious??? I think I’m going to throw up.”
While denial was the initial reaction of most models, the inescapable influence and pressure of social media (apparently opting out of Facebook and Twitter is not an option) meant they were reluctantly forced to take up the Photoshop-free challenge.
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Filed under Culture, Fashion, Social media
Political lightweights battle for third place.
Billed as the fight of the century, this classic confrontation of brain & brawn echoes the 1974 Ali v Foreman classic.
Our sports and political reporters put their heads together to give readers this detailed prediction.
Setting the scene:
In the yellow corner, or it may be orange, no one really knows, Clegg: Never thought of as a big hitter, he is fast on his feet. The legendary ‘Clegg Shuffle’ bamboozles opponents, leaving them punching thin air as the maestro performs his trademark U-turns.
Taunting is a big part of Clegg’s armoury; ‘I’ll float like a butterfly, sting like a butterfly’ he says of the forthcoming contest.
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Sport
Despite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”
The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.
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Filed under International News, Politics
National weather guessrs the Met Office are branching out into a new variety of forecasting. Starting next week they’ll be watching the sky maps to provide us with daily horoscopes.
It’s an open secret that some of the nation’s best known weather broadcasters are keen astrologists with Michale ‘Fickle’ Fish and Ian ‘Mystic Mac’ McCaskill famed for their powers of foresight.
We managed to speak to top weatherist Carol Kirkwood offa the BBC, and she gave us a sneak preview of what we can expect “With temperatures soaring in middle England this week, Libras in the Harold area may begin to feel the heat. You will be tempted to pull a sickie and sunbathe, but be carefully optimistically cautious about complications this may cause around money.
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