Tag Archives: Spoof news

by | September 21, 2013 · 10:00 am

Ed Miliband to fund benefits rise with Saturday job at Asda

Also willing to collect trolleys if necessary

Also willing to collect trolleys if necessary

Labour has said it will reverse controversial changes to housing benefit if it wins the next election, with the move set to be funded by Ed Miliband taking on a Saturday job working on the checkouts at Asda.

The Labour leader said that the so-called “bedroom tax” was “wrong, iniquitous and not working”, claiming that a commitment to reverse the policy showed that Labour offered a creditable alternative and could make a real difference in government. This comes as great news to fans of unsustainable borrowing. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Ed Miliband to fund benefits rise with Saturday job at Asda

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 19, 2013 · 12:00 pm

Britain’s favourite meal “somebody else’s dinner”

That. Whatever it is that he's carrying. No, I don't know what it is but I want it.

That. Whatever it is that he’s carrying. No, I don’t know what it is but I want it.

A recent survey has found that Britain’s favourite meal is whatever somebody else is eating. The aroma of somebody else’s food, that you can’t quite place but smells great, beat traditional favourites such as fish and chips, curry, and unspecified meat kebab to the number one spot.

“Can you smell that coming from next door? I can’t tell what it is; it could be oven chips and a pasty from Iceland with precisely zero nutritional value for all I know, but I’m not cooking it and it smells nice. I want it.” said Ian Jenkins,  one of the people surveyed.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Britain’s favourite meal “somebody else’s dinner”

Filed under Lifestyle, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 1, 2013 · 8:00 am

‘Back to School’ clothes for Teachers being sold at Ann Summers

See me after the lesson ...

See me after the lesson …

With the end of the summer holidays fast approaching, the traditional ‘Back to School’ range for schoolchildren has been joined in the nation’s shops with a range of clothing for teachers wishing to freshen up their wardrobe for the start of term.

‘The leading stores have done their maths homework and realised that there is a market of 500,000 teachers out there’ said merchandising expert, Danny Foster, ‘so it is no surprise that they have latched on to this market.

Whilst the perennial ‘Geog Teacher’ range, featuring a brown cord jacket and elbow patches, remains a popular classic it has been joined by a number of more exciting, racier items as teachers try to identify with reluctant teenage learners. Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Back to School’ clothes for Teachers being sold at Ann Summers

Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Sex

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | August 28, 2013 · 9:00 am

Mystery second Bale bid was from Harold Thursday

Probably not worth a full pack of Quavers

Probably not worth a full pack of Quavers

It has emerged that the unnamed bidders hoping to rival Real Madrid for Gareth Bale’s signature were Nice ‘n’ Spicy Nik Naks Southern League Division Two club, Harold Thursday, who made an offer of £6.38 plus half a pack of Quavers.

The identity of the second club who have made a bid for Bale has not been officially announced by Tottenham but Manchester United have been linked with the player this summer. Speculation that the bid is from United would appear to be wide of the mark, however, with Harold Thursday confirming that it was their bid that Spurs are considering.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Mystery second Bale bid was from Harold Thursday

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | August 27, 2013 · 2:30 pm

MMR jab to be replaced with cull of sick children

Not keen on needles? How about guns?

Not keen on needles? How about guns?

A new scheme to replace the controversial MMR vaccination with a cull of any children who “look a bit poorly” is set to be trialled in Somerset and Gloucestershire despite outrage from opposition groups.

The MMR vaccine is given to young children to protect them against measles, mumps and rubella but has been linked to autism and other serious side effects in the past, despite doctors insisting that it is safe. These concerns have lead to alternative methods of containing the spread of these contagious diseases being explored, with a cull of sick children now being the preferred option.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on MMR jab to be replaced with cull of sick children

Filed under News

Tagged as , , ,

by | August 24, 2013 · 7:00 am

Eco Protesters are ‘A Fracking Disgrace’ says Farmer

Green or Brown?

Green or Brown?

The farmer whose field has been occupied by anti fracking eco warriors has hit out at way the protesters treated his land.

Although the protesters have been very careful to organise regular recycling collections for refuse, they have refused to use port-a-loos due to the perceived pollution risks from the toilets’ chemical cleaning agents, preferring to use ‘more natural’ disposal methods.

“It all very well that MP wiping her arse with a dock leaf in the interests of communing with nature, but the end product still has to be cleared from the hedge,” said Harold farmer, Lionel Garage. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Eco Protesters are ‘A Fracking Disgrace’ says Farmer

Filed under Around Harold, Nature, News

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | August 7, 2013 · 7:00 am

Experts baffled by hotel balcony death falls

The Dizzy Heights Hotel

The Dizzy Heights Hotel

Overseas tourist officials they are baffled by Benidorm Bungee, a syndrome which has caused an increasing number of young holidaymakers to plunge to their death from hotel balconies for no apparent reason.

The syndrome, named after the resort where it first occurred, only seems to affect British tourists, striking them down in the early hours of the morning without warning. Most of its victims are young with no previous balance or health issues.

Stacey Briggs, 21, lost Darren, her boyfriend of two days, to an attack of Benidorm Bungee whilst on holiday in Magaluf in June. “We’d just got back to my hotel room after ending up at that El Tequila Slammer Bar. As I was chucking up, Darren said he would get some air on the balcony and, then, he was gone. It was all so sudden. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Experts baffled by hotel balcony death falls

Filed under Lifestyle, Travel

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

by | July 27, 2013 · 8:00 am

Would you like access to this article?

Pencil making a check sign in a round cornered box. Isolated on white.

Harold authorities are planning a radical overhaul of crime and anti-social behaviour prevention techniques. In light of the Prime Minister’s recently announced plans to tackle on-line perverts by asking them if they wish to access porn before they access porn, Councillor Ron Ronsson has unveiled plans to replicate the strategy in a number of other areas.

In retail, shoppers visiting the Tesco Express on the high street will be asked when entering the store if they require access to alcohol and tobacco. Councillor Ronsson assures us he is almost certain someone somewhere has done a study to show this will reduce sales of these potentially harmful products. And Julie , owner of ‘Cuts Both Ways’, will be checking with all her customers that they want access to potentially sharp instruments before they are allowed entry to her scissor emporium.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Would you like access to this article?

Filed under Crime, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | July 26, 2013 · 2:40 pm

French parliament lifts ban on insulting bell-end President

sarkozy

Knob-jockey (now official)

A change in French law means it has now become legal to insult the French president, giant bell-end Francois Hollande.

Parliament agreed on Thursday to amend legislation dating back to 1881 in favour of freedom of speech. Previously, anyone tempted to offend the huge ringpiece  of a President risked a fine, but now it is completely legal to refer to the head of state as “cockpiece”, “arsegargle” or “turdroller”.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on French parliament lifts ban on insulting bell-end President

Filed under International News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | July 22, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Top Tips for the perfect summer BBQ

Food & Drink with Miles Anour

Put some bang into your bangers

Put some bang into your bangers

I was invited to a BBQ recently. The text specified that I should bring my own food, drink, something to sit on etc. Rather than being invited to a party, it seemed that I had to bring my own party with me. In fact, I had to take everything other than a roll of turf to sit on.

A special barbeque doesn’t happen by accident. Hosting the perfect barbeque carries serious responsibilities. Here are my top tips on how to put on the BBQ that everyone will relish.

Food
If you’re expecting me to give you some poncy recipe with Maldivian pesto and pomegranate seeks then you’re going to be disappointed. My message is keep it simple. Any shortcomings in the quality of the food you provide can be covered up by ensuring that the booze keeps flowing. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Top Tips for the perfect summer BBQ

Filed under Culture, Lifestyle

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | July 14, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Statue critics point out that Freddie Mercury ‘never admitted he was a gorilla’

freddie

Never admitted gorilla tendencies

As the city of Norwich celebrates the new statue of the Freddie Mercury gorilla, some critics are pointing out that it is ironic to celebrate the singer’s gorillaness now, when he never publically admitted it in his lifetime.

Gorilla rights campaigner Peter Tatchell of “OookRage!” is disappointed that years after his untimely death, the singer is now being seen as a major gorilla icon.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Statue critics point out that Freddie Mercury ‘never admitted he was a gorilla’

Filed under Art, Badgers, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | July 10, 2013 · 11:00 am

EXCLUSIVE: Prince Charles’ letters to government

rsz_1article-2318064-158c6f82000005dc-505_306x423Yesterday the Lord Chief Justice upheld the block on the publication of letters from Prince Charles to various Whitehall ministers saying that the public does not have the right to know the details of his attempts to influence government policy.

We are defying the law and publishing a selection of Prince Charles’ letters over the years. Let’s just be grateful that this one is content with writing. Prince Philip seriously believed that he should be allowed to participate in Cabinet meetings which we’re sure would have led to some jaw-dropping foreign policies, especially when Enoch Powell was a minister. Continue reading →

Comments Off on EXCLUSIVE: Prince Charles’ letters to government

Filed under News, Politics, Royals

Tagged as , ,

by | July 6, 2013 · 9:44 am

Beatles album competition reaches end of long and winding road

beach-boys-standard-pet-soundsHarold resident Alfie Brooks was delighted yesterday to be named as the winner of one of Britain’s longest running competitions.

Ringo Starr and Paul MacCartney both made the trip to Harold in person to announce Alfie as the winner of the “Which is the best Beatles album?” competition launched in 1970.

The competition was originally due to end in 1971, when George Martin sent the answer to Ringo. However Ringo misplaced the envelope and assuming it had been used as roach material, they decided to ‘Let it be’ and the competition rumble on for a further 42 years…outliving two of the Beatles! The contest has led to fierce debate around the country, not least in the Squirrel Lickers Arms where the pub landlord Eddie once broke a regular’s femur for suggesting that Rubber Soul was better than Abbey Road. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Beatles album competition reaches end of long and winding road

Filed under Around Harold, Art, Crime

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | July 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

TV coup as ex-President Morsi appears on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Save your kisses for me!

Save your kisses for me!

The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.

Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading →

Comments Off on TV coup as ex-President Morsi appears on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Filed under International News, Politics, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Local couple training hard for World Cross Country Oral Sex Championships

World-Wife-Carrying-Championships

Cheered on by an enthusiastic crowd in Basingstoke

A young couple from the village of Harold have spoken of their excitement at being chosen to represent England in the World Cross-Country Oral Sex Championships, held yearly in Finland.

In this ancient and traditional sport, a married couple must race over harsh mountain terrain, overcoming challenging obstacles and all the while indulging in mutual oral pleasure. The gruelling challenge proves too much for most competitors, and only the couples with greatest stamina, upper-body strength and head for heights stand a chance.

“We’ve been working so hard for this,” chirped bubbly Fiona Darling, 23. “My husband’s been up before dawn every morning for months, it’s been a real grind, but we’re ready. We won the UK championships in a close finish in Basingstoke back in April, and it’s amazing to find out we have a chance to bring it off again in Finland.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Local couple training hard for World Cross Country Oral Sex Championships

Filed under Around Harold, Dating, Sport

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | July 4, 2013 · 2:35 pm

Harold to get ‘Indoor Runway’ by 2014

polytunnel

Mind the cabbages!

Following winter flight delays at many UK airports, Harold Council has given the thumbs up for an all-weather cover at the ‘airstrip’ behind Church Road allotments. Eschewing technology used at sports venues, the allotment committee has taken a more straightforward approach.

“Of course, we looked at Wimbledon. The strawberries were good but the sliding roof would have cost about £13.6m; even with the Trevor Bayliss hand-wind version.” said committee spokesperson Frank Johnson.

“Anyway, allotment subs had already gone up by £4 this year so we plumped for something a little more affordable, keeping the ‘horticultural look’ of the area. In the end, we ordered heavy-duty polythene covers from Gardman Polytunnels. Funnily enough their ‘Jumbo’ range accommodates a 1930s Douglas Dakota DC3, with over a foot to spare at either wing tip, and might be safe with 25mm of snow and 30mph winds.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harold to get ‘Indoor Runway’ by 2014

Filed under Around Harold, Travel

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | June 30, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Local man’s ‘homemade’ civet coffee beans a big hit with unsuspecting public

coffee

This story really relies on you knowing where “civet coffee” comes from…

Lovers of fine coffee in the village of Harold are flocking to sample the aromatic blends of local entrepreneur and alcoholic Reg Boggis, who is delighting the locals
with his personally ‘homemade’ civet coffee beans.

For those not in the know, civet coffee beans are unusual in that they have passed through the digestive system of the civet, a nocturnal cat-like mammal
native to tropical Asia and Africa. The animals digest coffee berries but not the beans inside, which are passed into the “fecal matter”. In words of one syllable, the beans are shat out by the animals and then harvested. The enzymes in their stomach acid help produce a bean that is sought-after for its smooth, caramel-like taste, and can fetch over $1000 per kilo from the richer sort of Guardian reader.

Seeing the opportunity for marketing a boutique coffee in the village’s trendy cafe scene, Boggis was at first discouraged by the absence of civets from Harold’s native fauna, and all attempts to persuade his tabby cat Ernie to eat coffee beans ended in savage failure.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Local man’s ‘homemade’ civet coffee beans a big hit with unsuspecting public

Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, DNA, Lifestyle

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | June 26, 2013 · 11:00 am

Druids ‘cautiously interested’ in new Stonehenge airport plan

hengeport

Left a bit!

After initial fierce opposition, England’s druids are reported to be ‘coming round’ to controversial new plans to build London’s fourth airport within a few metres of the ancient monument of Stonehenge.

After the recent closure of the nearby main road, hopes were high that the sacred area would at last be returned to its ancient glory. These hopes were cruelly dashed by the immediate announcement that the space formerly taken by the road would actually be dedicated to a 5km concrete runway, long enough to service the largest long-haul airliners and significantly ease the congestion of London’s other airports.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Druids ‘cautiously interested’ in new Stonehenge airport plan

Filed under Religion, Travel, Vikings

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | June 21, 2013 · 11:30 am

Snobby villagers welcome new unaffordable housing development

The "Downton"

The “Downton”

Developers plans for  ‘an exclusive estate of executive homes’ received a warm welcome from villagers at a public meeting yesterday, provided that the prices of the new homes were prohibitively high enough to deter ordinary people from moving to Harold.

At a public meeting attended by the self-appointed great and the good of the village, chaired by Councillor Ron Ronsson, villagers expressed their delight that the homes, which start with an unreasonable price tag of £849,999, will attract the “right sort of people” to the village making their dream of a Harold branch of Waitrose come a little closer to reality. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Snobby villagers welcome new unaffordable housing development

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | June 18, 2013 · 8:54 am

Talking Heads’ ‘Road to Nowhere’ found in village

Stairway to heaven?

Stairway to heaven?

In a desperate attempt to boost local tourism, the village of Harold has decided to institute a Rock ’n’ Roll Trail by renaming several local features after classic music tracks.

The idea after a planning committee met to consider a name for a path which leads out of the village with no apparent destination. “It’s very old,” said committee chairman, Eileen Remnant, 76, “but no one has a clue where it used to go to. It just fizzles out at the top of a slope.”

“When I joked that it was a road to nowhere, Councillor Cummerbund pointed out that this was title of a hit by a pop group apparently called The Talking Heads. Then the idea of naming other village places after popular songs and groups grew.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Talking Heads’ ‘Road to Nowhere’ found in village

Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Lifestyle, News

Tagged as , , , ,