MMR jab to be replaced with cull of sick children

Not keen on needles? How about guns?

Not keen on needles? How about guns?

A new scheme to replace the controversial MMR vaccination with a cull of any children who “look a bit poorly” is set to be trialled in Somerset and Gloucestershire despite outrage from opposition groups.

The MMR vaccine is given to young children to protect them against measles, mumps and rubella but has been linked to autism and other serious side effects in the past, despite doctors insisting that it is safe. These concerns have lead to alternative methods of containing the spread of these contagious diseases being explored, with a cull of sick children now being the preferred option.

“We’ve been looking for alternatives to the MMR jab for some time because it’s clear that some people have serious concerns over it, and we are confident that this is a workable scheme.” explained Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, “We are starting with a local trial to see how it goes and then it will be rolled out nationally if successful.”

“How it works is, effective immediately, no children in Somerset and Gloucestershire will be immunised against disease. If a child then becomes infected with measles, for example, they will be humanely shot. What we are calling an ‘outbreak protocol’ will then be put in place, which means that Health Service agents will go to the child’s home, play group or school and shoot any kids deemed to be a bit sniffly.”

“As an extra precaution they will also round up and destroy any other children who have come into contact with the infected child in the previous seven days, before burning their home and school to the ground. This should adequately contain the spread of the disease but we have not ruled out more extreme measures if necessary; such as a full scale nuclear attack.”

The new scheme has met with a furious response from parents who claim that the methodical killing of children is murder no matter how you dress it up, but Mr Hunt remains defiant.

“What do they want from us? Nobody wants an outbreak of disease, but they didn’t want to give their children a vaccination either, so we had to do something. Now they are unhappy with the prospect of us killing little Billy and all of his friends to keep the wider population safe. You just can’t win with some people.”

“The MMR jab is still available at the moment, so if you are concerned then I suggest you get your child booked in as soon as possible. I’d hurry if I were you, there might be a queue.”

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