Snobby villagers welcome new unaffordable housing development

The "Downton"

The “Downton”

Developers plans for  ‘an exclusive estate of executive homes’ received a warm welcome from villagers at a public meeting yesterday, provided that the prices of the new homes were prohibitively high enough to deter ordinary people from moving to Harold.

At a public meeting attended by the self-appointed great and the good of the village, chaired by Councillor Ron Ronsson, villagers expressed their delight that the homes, which start with an unreasonable price tag of £849,999, will attract the “right sort of people” to the village making their dream of a Harold branch of Waitrose come a little closer to reality.

The meeting not only rejected calls for the inclusion of a few affordable homes, but also rejected from the meeting anyone who was sporting tattoos or wearing Primark branded clothing.

Social cleansing

“We are never going to get a Waitrose or an M&S Simply Food if the average villager looks like a Tesco or Lidl frequenter,” said Eileen Remnant, as a woman wearing jeans and T-shirt was ejected after protesting that the village was conducting a social cleansing campaign. “And as for cleansing” she added, “I think that young lady would benefit from a good wash, after which I’m sure she would be considered to work at the new establishment. In a non-public facing capacity, of course.”

Councillor Ronsson closed the meeting by congratulating the developers, Revolver & Smug, for resisting what he called described as an “apparent demand” for affordable housing.

“There is a lot of rubbish spoken about houses being too expensive for young people at the bottom of the housing ladder,” he said. “It was just as hard for me when I was starting out, but I didn’t whinge and whine about it.  I went out, got a job and grafted and grafted until Great Aunt Madeline died when I was 23 and I inherited Ronsson Towers.”

“So when I hear youngsters complaining that the houses are unaffordable, I say to them, ‘Just wait for a rich relative to die and you’ll be fine.’”

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